College and stuff

The more time passes, the more I realize I really have no desire to do anything else. I can honestly say that while I like the outcome of adoption facilitation-I could not handle the inordinate amount of desk work. I would love to be a social worker...but yet again, boring desk work...not to mention the fact that it would probably not be good for my well being as after all the threats I would make to abusers, one of them would inevitably fight back and hit me/stab me/piss my husband off and then he'd end up in jail..etc. etc.

I'm reading three (or four) books right now, as always, and one of them is "Learning How To Play God." It's written by a practicing physician who is head of the board of admissions for some college, and is also the Chief of internal medicine at some hospital...I know, so clear right...anyway, he wrote about his entire training from applying to medical school through his residency. Reading it, and I'm not even past the medical school part yet, really affirms my heart. It makes me feel like I really have a chance. Which I think is pivotal to anything.

A career, I've discovered, just consists of a new language. You want to be a doctor? You have to speak medicine. You want to be an astronaut, learn physics. You want to be in sales, learn marketing....which seems self-evident, but I had never thought of anything that way before and when I broke it down like that-medical school became suddenly attainable. I always imagine reaching certain goals as jumping through hoops, doing a thousand things before being considered, but really all I have to do is study. And that's it. Well, study and volunteer and get two amazing recommendations, but either way study a lot. Learning languages is easy for me, as long as I take the time to approach it in levels. I want to be a physician, but first I have to master chemistry, physics, and more chemistry. Biology is also important, but I do not struggle with it at all, so I'm focusing on the things I will have to STUDY for. I start with basic chemistry, then move to organic, then inorganic, then physics...all of these contain labs though so I'm sure my physics will not be completed until pretty close to graduation, but it will be done nonetheless.

I did not grow up thinking I wanted to be a doctor, I grew up wanting to survive. When I was in the second grade I told Robert I wanted to be a marine biologist, and he told me I could only be a doctor or a lawyer. I told him I wanted to be a teacher, he said the only acceptable schools were Ivy League, or MIT preferably....and quite honestly, if I had stuck to it-I could have done it. But instead, from the time I left his home to high school graduation I spent my energy proving him wrong. That I could waste my gift and become something more ordinary. Can you believe that? I was shooting for mediocre!?! Not that being a physician is this horribly out of reach thing, which is kind of what my entire point is, but in his eyes it was. So even now I kind of bristle at the idea of becoming what he always thought I should, but there is nothing else I really want to do. I want to be a mother, but that can come later. Andrew and I have no need to genetically procreate, so adoption can wait until later when things have settled and we're financially in a position to. We want to spend our time traveling, and learning, and growing. If I get pregnant between now and then, we will do what God obviously wants us to-be parents above all else. If it were up to me, I would rather finish school first.

I want to be able to work with Doctors Without Borders, I want to help children and their families, I want to know what is behind things scientifically, and my base desire which takes total honesty to admit-I want to have the answers. At least for something, I just chose something rather large. I want to be a physician. So I'm ready to study, and get it done. School for some reason is now no longer the chore it always was before, it is the means to a beginning.

I hope I can go through with it, I know it will be hard.

I love my husband. A lot.