Fatigue

I've been plagued by sleep lately. It chases me down in places like the library. It will not leave me alone, and no matter how strong my resolve is to conquer it and get up early enough to work out, I hit the snooze and succumb. Which is just plain frustrating-I have other things to be doing.

Plus it makes me feel guilty to sleep while Andrew is working. Last night he, for the very first time in our very short marriage (two years 3/21...3-2-1...get it? Totally unintentional, it was just the day the Judge was available. I digress), made a snarky comment about my lack of "wifely" fulfillment. As in-I very rarely do anything along the lines of dishes or laundry, and my feeble attempts at straightening the house, cooking meals occasionally, and perhaps sometimes tidying up, are nothing compared to what he does.

To which I kindly replied that sounds like a personal problem to me because I've never been that kind of girl and he knew it before we got married. I also suggested we would have a lot more time to spend with each other if we just hired someone to do all those things for us, as on top of full-time school and work for Andrew, and more than full-time school and work for me-we just frankly don't have time.

He said that we frankly don't have the money. (Truth=epically lame sometimes.)

So I chewed on it for a minute, looked at him with a pouty lip and sex me eyes, which made him cuddle me and say he was sorry (I teach classes on Tuesday and Thursday evenings if you would like to take notes), and then told him that as soon as I quit my job in May I will gladly take over doing the laundry and keeping the house clean....except I don't do dishes because that's just gross: our deal has always been I cook->he does dishes. I also refuse to take out the laundry because that's the man's job.

All of this I thought very interestingly was somewhat linked to this amazing woman's blog...I say amazing because I love her style. Once you read it you won't be surprised as to why....

Belize is paid for, we're definitely going, but we both are kind of just waiting for the standard Rowlett disaster to hit and stop us from going...fingers crossed it takes a vacation or gets attacked by sleep.

This term is alllllmost done, after which we will be spending Spring Break with Andrew's family at Fort Stevens.....yes, I'm excited for the place. No, I'm not excited that yet again we will be spending our precious and hard to come by vacation time with family. I am SO EXCITED that we are going to be using the break I'll have between Summer and Fall terms to go on a grown-up just us nobody we know or are related to-trip to Belize. School will, after this term, just get progressively easier. I will have one more (Spring) term of required classes, then it's just sunshine and rainbows in all of my upper division/chosen classes. I'm excited.

Also, because I keep forgetting, my dear friend who I thought I was going to lose is no longer being treated for the "mystery" disease...after a few more opinions they are wisely treating it as Rheumatoid Arthritis, it is just extremely severe in her neck and hands. Which is a blessing as far as dealing with something larger, but terrible for her quality of life. There is no real balance there, but I get to keep her for a few more moments. I still haven't cried, and I haven't been able to see her when she told me...

So if I know you and love you and you get really sick and I don't call-please don't be angry. I'll try my hardest, I will, but I'm terrible with things like that. When I was 15 my papa had to go to the hospital for a week because he needed a stint in his heart. There was ambulances, and doctors, and open-backed gowns...the one time my grandma took me to see him at the hospital he coughed up so much blood he filled one of those kidney shaped throw-up catchers, and I bawled like a baby and didn't see him again until he got home.

It's me-not you. I have a hard time with loss. On the same note, if someone close to me dies, a list I shall not write as it may just not be the wisest thing-don't let me stay in bed forever because I know I will try. Unless it is Andrew. If I lose Andrew just let me waste away in our bed. It will be better that way.

Since this is getting really dark and twisty, I'm going now.

My Love Actually Moment

So I arrived from Texas exhausted due to no sleep, upset because I hadn't been able to study at all, and ready to cry because of all of the emotional duress I had felt for Jenna. I just wanted to melt into my Andrew's arms, and fall asleep while he petted my hair. As I was walking to baggage claim I think I see Andrew in the waiting area, but I'm not entirely sure because my glasses are hidden somewhere in my bag. As I walked closer, I saw the man I thought to be Andrew holding a HUGE/person sized poster with my name on it...which is something Andrew would totally do to be funny, so I walked up and kissed him. "Cute, very cute" I said, to which he replied "No no, step back, there's more"

People were taking pictures and everything...it was so cute. I felt like he was proposing to me all over again or something, and he went to all that trouble just to welcome me home :) I know that the poem isn't exactly Shakespeare, but he actually wrote that one himself so I think it's even cuter!

It was so funny how much we missed each other over those four days, and how much I really wished he could have been there to hold my hand over the weekend...We had a rough December, so everyday I feel blessed beyond measure that we got through it, and love each other all the more for it.

God loves me this much.

My Oh My

This weekend was eventful to say the least. I just wanted to say that and leave it there, as Jenna's business is nobody else's, but my oh my if it wasn't stressful and dramatic.

The visit with my mother was AMAZING. I really do miss her, and as I come to understand her more, I really do just love her so much. I finally got to make-up with my Texas Melissa, and it was so amazing I nearly cried. I have missed her so much, and it was just like nothing changed. Of everything that happened this weekend, I can say with confidence I am most grateful for her and I making up. I got to spend a night dancing with Philip (and all of the gays in Houston for that matter), and it was great to see my boo/first husband. I ran into a few old friends that I didn't expect to see, and that was also wonderful.

After seeing Jenna's 120,000.00 BRAND NEW and beautiful house with 5 bedrooms/3 FULL bathrooms....I am thoroughly convinced that if we are going to buy real estate, PDX may not be the place. However, it is a whole other world down there, and it is so funny how I constantly remember the values but forget the feel...if we do move to Texas we're going to have to move to Austin. Still the Country of Texas, but more a feel of home.

I did not get to study at all, but fortunately my Bio teacher is going to let me take a make-up exam for a penalty of 10%, which is far better than the F I was sure to get without a make-up. I arrived home thoroughly exhausted, after about 4 hours of sleep each night, to the most tender and caring husband on the planet. I will have to post pictures of what he did at the airport, but later tonight.....seriously-I have always wanted someone to do what he did for me, and I nearly cried and peed with pure joy. (nice combo, yes?)

I miss my home friends. I do. And while I love Texas, what would I do without Melissa, Julia, Liz, and Rachael?....I have loved having them around the corner. I don't know what the future holds, but as long as it holds all my people-I'm not really concerned.

Loves.

P.S. Don't forget-you HAVE to see what Andrew did for me at the airport. ;)

Delay delay delay

I leave for Texas in three days for Jenna's (Jenaenae) wedding.

I have yet to tackle ANY of the things I needed to get done before leaving, and have instead been GLUED to Nie Nie's blog. I have read from start to current in roughly 3.5 days, during which I should have been studying (for the quiz I just decided to skip this morning-she drops the lowest quiz score anyway), doing PILES of homework(well, not really piles because most of it is online...so maybe FILES?...hmm), packing, or an assortment of other very useful and important things.

Instead I have been reading Nie and requesting that Andrew now refer to me as "Ro" like Lawrence from work does. She has taken over my mind (I was actually even contemplating blogging in her colored and varying texts like she does in the shower this morning-where all my real thinking occurs-but decided that's just lame and akin to stealing her creativity or something), and I'm sure when I'm finished with this blog it will have sounded a lot like her. I have realized I need more pictures in my blog, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Other things I have been doing while neglecting the things I should be doing:

-Spending time with Andrew and appreciating him and making him giggle. (really)

-Spending time with friends even though I made a declaration that I wouldn't until the end of term.

-Talking to my very patient and amazing husband about the fact that my tender little heart has been humbled by God through Nie's blog, and that if I listen carefully a few things will happen:

We will have a baby(gasp, biologically), maybe more than one. That I don't want to pursue medicine, regardless of my desire for it, and wake up when I'm 35 and realize I spent the last 10+ years of my life crapping all over my blessing of a husband and being selfish. That there are other things I can do, and since I've finally stopped to listen to God instead of making my own plans, medicine is done. That I can help people just as much using this Community Health Education undergraduate just as much as being a physician, but ever the Heather I am-I've already started looking(actually found of course) the graduate program I want to attend. More on this later. That MAYBE babies are not that annoying, and it has everything to do with how I approach it. And a lot of other things.

-Having a very serious talk with the HB and coming to the conclusion that it really hurts his feelings that I talk about him so much with my friends. So I'm going to limit that, because he deserves to not have hurt feelings because he's such a prince.

-Reading the poem he posted on our computer for me to read everyday, following suit after the whiteboard wall poems....which I will share because he doesn't mind me sharing the good stuff :)

If ever you need me,

I'll be right here,

To chase away the sadness,

And wipe away a tear.

If ever you need me,

I'll be two steps behind,

To follow in your footsteps,

And hear what's on your mind.

If ever you need me,

You'll never have to fear,

That your presence isn't important,

And your love isn't dear.

If ever you need me,

I'll always be around,

To bring back the laughter,

Where deep in your heart it's found.

You'll never have to worry,

For I'll always be here,

To chase away the sadness,

And wipe away a tear.

I am here for you!

Heather

Always and forever

Andrew

He just googles them, or something, not really sure. But he's pretty stinking cool.

-Spent time evaluating how I dress, and realizing that the Mormons are onto something with this whole modesty thing. Plus-it will turn my husband on more if he gets to see more bits of me than everyone else.

-Losing weight. After a visit with a very "nice" lady...insert other negative adjectives in quotes...about my dizziness and nausea that I've been experiencing for about two years, and being treated like an idiot, and her calling my eating habits my "feeding" habits(translate: you're a fat cow and I don't know what you expect me to help you with today Ms. Rowlett. That was paraphrased) I have lost 8 lbs. and have been cooking all my meals. Eat that "nice" lady. I will feel better about myself.

-Talking with the HB about quitting my job for Spring term, but most definitely for Summer term so I can just work markets with him, and then focus on school.

And even now I'm supposed to be at school studying but I'm still at home blogging with wet hair that needs to be dried and food that needs to be packed so I can make my own food later....and and and and and

Instead I should be getting all this done to get ready to leave to go celebrate Jenaenae. Le Sigh.

My Amazing

I just got sucked into a blog for an hour. A whole hour that I should have been doing homework, or getting ready for work, but primarily homework. I blame Julie. I saw her little "I Read Nie Nie" banners and had to click one. Kind of like something sparkly.

From that hour of my life during which I wanted to cry and scream and slam my fists in frustration and tragedy for this amazingly strong woman, I realize something: how much I love my husband. How he would do the same for me. How precious the photos of them together now are. How his love for her is so immense.

How much her husband reminds me of mine.

I am a lucky lucky lucky lucky and blessed beyond measure girl. All of the things before, all of the tears over my own tragedies-God gave me Andrew to soak them all up and fill my mind with new things and love. I adore my husband and I am so fortunate to have found a prince to hold my hand. He is such a king among men.

My blogging has become so sporadic over the past while. I'm not really sure how to measure time anymore as I don't seem to be encapsulated it, I just float, so I'll just say this past while.

There were birthdays this weekend. A first and a 50th. There was a tragedy exposed this weekend. I haven't let it hit me as I'm using logos to carry me through. Instead of crying, or letting her cry, I told her that her (stupid) physician advising her she has something incurable and incapacitating to the point that she may die quickly and soon-isn't enough. She needs a second opinion. I didn't hold her daughter either, my very best friend, because I knew that if I did we would both crumble-and after all, nobody wants to watch their daughter(s) crumble on their 50th birthday. And she wants to experience it privately, so I cannot run around asking for someone to hold my head above water. Which would feel selfish anyway, because it is not my personal tragedy. I refuse to wear it yet, to hold it close to my skin. Right now it feels so much more secure in my planner for "when I have time," because right now I don't and tomorrow I have an exam followed by work followed by homework followed by lab followed by another two exams and a trip to Texas to be in the beginning of a marriage for another very close friend.

They're just in shock though, you know? The shock that comes with medical discovery, of listing off exactly what you read on WebMD (because your doctor is a flaming idiot, and told you you have something that he just has a "hunch" you have....asswipe...if anyone feels like bombing something this week-I have a medical office in mind) and telling word for word what your (stupid) physician told you. I want to hold them and comfort them like she always did when I was sick. I want to put on my pajamas and go over and watch Pride and Prejudice. I want to stew in it with them. I want to live her experience with her. I want to suck every moment of memories with her out while I can. I want to believe that the (stupid) doctor is wrong, even though I know his "hunch" has a 99.9% chance of being right, and that his instinct is a gift. I want this to happen to someone who deserves it.

But who deserves it?

I cannot even hold conversations with people now. My dear husband understands me, knows when to just turn the music down and shut his mouth. He has learned so much about me thus far in our marriage, and becomes more caring everyday because of it. He holds me when I need it, he talks dirty to me when I want it, and he connects with me when it is time.

But she is one of my people. I loved her far before I even liked him, and she has been so close to everything to me. It was her and Julia that I would call every single day while driving home from work when I lived in Texas. I was actually on the phone with her (both times) when I got pulled over, and forgave the very loud "FUCK!!!" I said into the phone. She understands my harsh love, and forgives my sharp edges. She is she is she is she is....and then someday she just won't be.

I was just telling Andrew the other day that statistics show that before the age of 30, you will lose someone very close to you. At least one, maybe just one, maybe less.

Yesterday he told me that because my mind works so fast, because I'm learning more and more, that my fear is only going to grow exponentially over the years. I know he is right.

There are only a few people in this whole world, in my whole life, that it would break me in half to lose. She is one of the top four. She is irreplaceable. She is she is she is she is she is she is she is.

Sadly(thankfully) this is all I have time for right now.