And then you see photos of that boy you knew so long ago, but he's different. In his eyes there is more sadness, the smiles are less wide. You can see the love she has for him in the way she presses her lips so hard against his cheek and ends each sentence about their trip to Jamaica with .....

But you have discussed how he feels about her with him, and it won't last forever. She too will end up like the rest of you-discarded and deeply in love. For a moment you want to warn her, to help her, but you know that it is too late. Too late and you secretly hate her because she is living the life you always thought you would have, but in your dream it had a better ending. You also know that the trips he takes with her are not long, that he would rather take the long trips with his friends and roommates. When pressed for a why he responded, "I can only stand to be around her for short amounts of time. Anything longer than 6 days and I need a break."

So you stop hating her and feel sorry for her, again. But in that sorrow you begin to pity yourself. Because even though you were the first, and according to him the only thus far(a lie you want to believe), there had to be some of the same things said about you to someone. And you know who that someone was. Then you begin to question it all-the authenticity of the years to follow, the promises never made but repeatedly alluded to, the things he said to make sure that you knew how he felt but "couldn't act on" then....

After all of these steps, and a few more, in a never ending cycle you beg the question that you continually come to: Why do you still care? Why did you even feel the urge to look at the photos? Was any of it real in the first place?....

But he said it was all real, just a couple of months ago. He said that it was, and swears you still are the only one he's ever uttered those words to, that everything changed when you got engaged to the most amazing man and husband you have ever known, that it now doesn't matter what it was because you changed it. You made your choice. Not to wait, to wonder, to ponder, to question-anymore.

Yet here you are. Again. Knowing deep down that this cycle may never end. Last night you promised yourself that you would never speak to him again, never think of him. That you would write him(again) telling him that you would do those two things. Except he respects that decision(every.time.you.make.it.) and in the end you are the one that caves and contacts him.

All of it because what happened then, when you were both children, was so pure. There was never a hint of inauthenticity until it just wasn't anymore. It ended because you had committed to something before he was there and it was too late to confess that you had as the cliche says you will-fallen in love at 16. You read over and over and over again that the first one never goes away, try to find comfort in that. Knowing that millions of others go on to do what you have done, what he will do, marry someone else and build a life separate of each other.

But it still feels like a tear, like a separation. You never want to vocalize that deep down incentive to repeat this cycle because you know it is crazy. You know that your husband is a gift from God and that the grass is always greener. You know that he is not anymore that young, pure, goldlight of the morning boy he was. He is instead now jaded, world traveled, successful(in the ugly way, the fluorescent light and dinner at your boss' house kind of way), and still holding all of those hearts that want to love him at arms length. Which again, you try to find comfort and hope in, but you don't.

Instead you write and write and write and write until your wrists hurt, you want to cry, and you feel like you have cheated on your gift from God and wonder if a bottle of wine will help(which is doesn't and therefore does not find it's way into your hand and belly).

Vulnerability is reckless. To admit that the insecurities I gained from this boy have molded everything I have turned into and pursued would be embarrassing. To admit that I repeat this cycle at least four times a year is shameful. Sometimes they say that if you say something out loud, reveal it to someone it is easier to relinquish.

Here's hoping.

Just got my acceptance letter to the Child and Family Studies/School of Social Work at PSU!!!! Only 30 accepted per term/90 a year!! :) I know that's a lot, kind of, but think about it this way: Only about double what OHSU accepts each class....I'm kind of a big deal. I'm just saying.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!! :)

Sunshine and Rainbows

Life is good. My face is clearing up (hallelujah!), the sun is shining, I drop my passport name change form off today for BELIZE IN THREE MONTHS!!!!, I'm having girl time with Angela (more in a moment), followed by class and possibly a meet up after at Last Thursday. Classes are pretty good. Philosophy of Religion is quite a lot for my brain to absorb, and my ASL 201 teacher is a different person than I had for the last three classes and he signs FAST. Like whoah. Taking my second Poli. Sci. class (Nicko shout-out) which has been extremely beneficial thus far in helping understand what avenues would be necessary to massage to get anything done...and there are none. ;)

I still feel daily the loss of my mother even though she's only a text or phone call away. I sent her a novel of an email almost two months ago explaining the depth of my feelings and why it isn't as easy to just "forgive and forget" as she thinks. She still hasn't found the time to respond.

Bible study/Home Community has been AMAZING!!!! We have finally found some couples with no babies/kids(no offense to you mothers, but we all know that it is increasingly difficult for us to hang out because unless your children are old enough to entertain themselves for a couple of hours-I have nothing to entertain them with other than my husband...lol), who LOVE to camp and hike and kayak and raft and float the river and be outdoorsy....which we haven't really gotten to do the past year and a half because while we love each other it is far more fun with other people and we didn't know any other people who liked to do those things. There are two couples in particular that we're drawn to, and one of them is Alex and Angela.

So now I'm going to talk about Angela. She's just kind of amazing...at first glance she's a lot like me-gets along better with the boys, seems pretty chill(I say seems because hello-very rarely am I ever that), very opinionated, etc. But the nice thing about her is-we're very different. She was home schooled and feels that stunted her social and emotional growth so she's actually extremely shy, and that's why she doesn't talk to girls much because it takes more involvement/intimacy. (Julie-not taking a stab at you, she authentically feels this way) The whole time I thought I was the one being awkward because I have such a hard time in group social settings where I don't really know the people, and I have such an intense fear of rejection that I tend to stick to people I know...but it was both of us. So we laughed about both of our fears and then told each other our life stories over coffee and today we're going on a walk at Mt. Tabor! She's pretty, Biblically wise, attends church/is a part of an active community-which as my friends get busier and older it gets harder for them to do/actively pursue, she's fun and a good influence on me, and she's vulnerable and open. There's a million more things-like the fact that her husband Alex and Andrew get along like beans and rice, but I'm mostly just amazed and God's unfailing love when I spend time with her.

I have been praying so hard lately for a friend I can just spend time with. I'm really not meaning to offend the mamas, really, but all of my local married friends-literally-have babies or children. It is so hard to have girl time with them because of this. I understand that someday I too will have children and will understand the fact that you learn to work around it-but I'm not there right now. I'm not and barring God's plan being drastically different than what I feel He's been telling me-I won't be any time soon. I just want someone who can whenever we feel like planning it-make a coffee date in the middle of the afternoon. Or grab her husband and go to the river with Andrew and I. On that note-someone who's husband and mine actually have more than two things in common so they can do things to entertain each other while we're hanging out. Who can sit with me and read the Bible, because I so desperately need more actively engaged believing friends, or watch a stupid movie and laugh. I need a friend who needs me as well. So we'll see what happens and where it goes-but I'm kind of girl crushing on the possibility of this awesome friendship.

My meniere's sucks, but such is life. Right now I am dizzy, and I feel like my hands are about a mile from my face, so typing is slightly difficult...lol. It's kind of like being high sometimes. But not in a fun way ;) My left ear is so spotty as far as noise reception that I sometimes appear to be ignoring people to my left-I simply cannot tell that the noise they're making is directed at me. Andrew is really hopeful because there are new types of hearing aids, so that could be cool. I think he just doesn't want to learn sign with me ;)

Whitney-come visit me mkay? We'll read books in the grass and drink tea in the evening.

I am a procrastinator to the core....agh....I LOVE putting things off, but hate the exhaustion that follows...I have about five million things I need to get done today, which sucks because it is my last day before summer term starts and the sun is shining.

I'm going to move fast ;)

It's Official

I have meniere's. I cried about it a while ago, and now it's just like this really crappy waiting game:

-will it get worse?

-is this it?

-will I fall into the category who start out unilateral and move to bilateral hearing loss?

-will I need hearing aids, or worse?

I wouldn't be so dramatic aside from the fact that the average age to "get" Meniere's is between 30-50.

Positives:

-we know what's wrong with me (at last. I want to go back to those two witches who treated me like an obese cow-sighting my weight as the "real problem.")

-we can figure out what to do

-we know what to expect, sort of

-I am now on a medication. Water pill, supposed to maintain healthy fluid levels, all it's doing is making me nauseous. Gross. Mark that as a positive/negative, thus far.

-We're going to really push the landlord to let us get a dog now. I have a "medical" reason for one. I've been finding that I am increasingly afraid to be alone at the house overnight, or even alone at the house after dark because I'm not hearing the little things. Like if there were someone outside I'm not hearing the little noises. I also for the life of me cannot hear the kitchen timer in the other room, or in most cases-someone knocking. So if you come over-ring the doorbell. Anywho, I want a dog. A guard dog. And a gun....but a dog first. Training a dog takes more time than purchasing a gun.

-I'm not crazy.

-I was right in my self diagnosis-I love it when I'm right :)

Aside from all of that we're just settling into it. Andrew refused to accept it until the doctor said so(smart man) because of what this could actually mean for us. I have started to realize that I've had tinnitis for a while, I just don't notice it anymore, until I think about it. I had thought for quite a long time that silence had a sound....just a realllly high pitched single tone sound....Andrew told me I'm wrong. So I can hear it whenever I think to notice it now, and now I find it really annoying....lol. Which means I just don't think about it often. And I'm moving on...

School re-starts in 1.5 weeks, and I'm not excited. I need the credits, but I'm not excited. I'm trying to find a good balance between resting and getting ready for the term, and seeing friends. We'll see how that goes.