Return

Back again. I've needed to write lately and had nowhere to do it. So I've decided to reopen this space. So much in my life has changed, so many things inside have grown, so many loves gained and a few of them lost. I finally let go some of the things that had been holding me in a pattern of self-pity. I'm a graduate student, something that still makes me blush and smile when it comes out of my mouth. I have a hard time telling people because I'm sure that one of them will call me out and tell the world what an undeserving fake I am. That I'm not intelligent enough to be in the program. That I'll fail. But they don't. Andrew just laughs at me when I say such things. Life is actually good. And I don't mean manic highs and depressive lows riding on that wave, kind of good. Stabilized, thorough, and liberating good. I have waited and worked for a long time for this moment. I just hope it lasts.

I keep getting the itch. To paintsewcutpasteglittergluepaperbluecanvasstretchstapletieplay.

I'm going to do at least a few of those things after finals. I've got the idea for Andrew's Christmas gift(and a decoration for over the mantel, and ENTIRE installation inspired by a feminist article, and some other stuff. For fun.) and I need to get crackin'. I keep figuring though that my mom and I will need something to do while she's here, so I can do it then as well.

School is so almost done my wrists itch. Whatever that means.

Sunday is the Deaf Kids Christmas Party, and then two weeks after that is the Royal Family Kid's Camp party, and then Christmas. Has this year FLOWN by or what? I'm still in shock.

I'm also feeling crafty(horny. busy. lucky. in lovely. excited. nervous. hungry. overweight. overwhelmed. underbusy. useless.) but mostly just loved. If I could bottle all of the love I've been getting lately I could sell it for a lot of money. And I could spritz it on people at the mall and they would actually NOT get annoyed....miracles do happen.

Rain, Fall, Winter, Family

I'll admit it: When you're dealing with sexual assault from your childhood, as it has been freshly uncovered and pondered and handled and touched and felt and chewed on-everything feels like an assault all over again.

Walking down the street I find that if I'm alone, I'm constantly on the verge of tears.

So I keep trying not to be alone. I also keep wondering if the "normal person" years are ever going to arrive, or if I'm just one of the lucky ones that will continue to uncover more and more and more garbage that I could not control or run away from.

Fingers crossed I am not that kind of lucky.

We All Should Know

It has taken me a few days to write this all down. Mostly because it was so violating, but also because I was almost afraid to. Me, the one with the roaring loud bark and clearly no bite-afraid. I wanted to write this down because after it happened my husband told me that it was ignorance, that I couldn't really hold it against them because they were just uneducated. While he later apologized, I'm not allowing any of you-especially the men, to say that you didn't know, that nobody ever told you.

In my sociology class we watched a film called "Dreamworlds 2," about MTV and the music industry and its objectification of women. How this objectification then leads to mild violence in the videos, how whenever a woman says "no" she's only doing it to be chased, and that she always means "yes." It also clearly drew upon the ideas that all women in traditional music videos are nymphos, don't really like to wear very much clothing, and CLEARLY have an affinity for being clean-which is seen in their constant need to run into streams of water or take showers in white clothing. All of this culminated in showing a clip from "The Accused" in which the main character is being gang raped in a bar. The men call out how she wants it, she likes it, who's next, show her what she wants, etc. The woman was extremely intoxicated when she was raped, and later it was said that she was "asking for it" because of her behavior at the bar. This was a true story. I digress, the started splicing the audio from the rape scene with scenes from music videos showing that the soundtrack is actually quite accurate for videos and things in the media we see and take for granted.

Watching a music video, really? You're going to tell me that watching a music video perpetuates rape? Yes. But wait, the story gets better.

Afterwards there was a discussion section of class. Due to my course load this term, I have had a rape discussion, two of them put on by women active at the Portland Women's Crisis Line, a total of four times. Every. Single. Time. The first comment has been "what about the men?" or something of that nature. This class it was "I'm a male and I'm offended by this video because this is not who I personally am."

This would not be an issue as yes, men are also victims of sexual assault. Except that every time we have spent at least a quarter of the allotted conversation time talking about 3% of the victims.

The conversation continued and another male raised his hand, saying that while his female friends are all of the "hippie" variety, and therefore they dress more to be funny than anything, Halloween is a great example of how women objectify themselves. While this is a very large onion, that would take a more lengthy conversation to unwrap(along the lines of: we're taught that we are only objects, so we act out the roles. Skin looks bad? You can be a CoverGirl. Pants too tight? Call Jenny. Want to go to college and make something of yourself? Join a sorority where you too can be used and abused but in the end you're married to a man from a more desirable social set. Don't worry, if you would like to discuss this further, I'd absotively love to.)I finally raised my hand and got called on.

The teacher had just made the comment that she wants to hear people's thoughts on why females would dress in this manner if all of society was going to call them slutty?

My response: To wear a one-piece lycra-spandex cat suit, you have to be over the top hot. Those girls wear those things to get positive attention, nobody walked up to her and told her she looked like a slut-they told her she looked hot. She seeks what she knows she will receive. However, when she put that outfit on she wasn't "asking for it," as I have yet to even read about a woman who wakes up and says "I'd just LOVE to get raped and violated today." Back to the first male's comment. I apologize that you're offended by this video, but unfortunately 97% of sexual assault is committed against women. Sadly, men ARE the problem. They're the ones committing these violent acts. I'm sorry you don't feel that you're fairly represented. (Insert boos and many "no she didn't" comments from a majority of the males in the class) Lastly, if 1 out of every 4 women will be sexually assaulted by the time she graduates from college, look around you. Should we really be making slut jokes? Jokes about them asking for it?

So yes, I was upset. Yes, I was emotional. Yes, I have been raped multiple times by different men throughout my life, and therefore I can get as emotional as I damn please.

The Portland State football players that are in my class took it upon themselves to start booing, name-calling, and all that general tomfoolery that demands so much respect. I'm pretty sure a few of them even shouted that I need to "calm down."

Said male who went first started to plead his case(which in all reality, this young boy really seems to be a nice guy and I can understand his frustration, however-pleading the case of the male race seemed a little much considering the profiles on repeat rapists-they're the everyday guys that you talk to on the regular. They're not creepers that find you in an alley, only something along the lines of 15% of rapes are committed by strangers-the rest are by people we know and trust. So even though he thinks that he doesn't know anyone who has committed rape, the odds are not in his favor.) while giving all the reasons I must be wrong, even though research backs me up, the football players all started getting louder and louder with phrases like "that's right, you tell her" and "get her! get her!"

So how would you feel? After just watching a very graphic rape scene wherein the mob mentality led a group of men to violate a woman in public, while nobody stepped in, and when you say something a group of physically dominant males doesn't agree with they start saying "get her get her."

Personally I felt violated. True, these young "men" are just that-young. They don't know the facts. What scares me is that because of this lack of knowledge, I'm sure that they don't know anything about consent either. That if a girl has been drinking, she cannot lucidly say yes. That just because she decided to go out with her friends and wear a skirt, she wasn't "asking for it." That if you invite her to a party, and hand her a cup of Jungle Juice, just because she drank it-surrounded by her peers-doesn't mean she's just begging for someone to "show her a good time."

The male who commented on Halloween costumes raised his hand. He said: You're right. You're right and I'm sorry to all the women in the room I offended. I am sorry that society has told me I needed to act and say things just like those guys(finger pointing at the football players), and I'm sorry I fell for it. I didn't think about those who have been raped in the room, and I didn't comment on the larger picture. I'm sorry.

An older woman raised her hand in the back and said: Isn't it interesting that the minute you challenge that which makes the majority comfortable, you're labled an "angry lesbian"? (just in case you missed it, she's referring to me. That was one of the things they were shouting in my direction. Those angry feminists, they're all lezzies. Especially since there's something so terribly wrong with all of my homosexual friends that their sexuality should be used as an extreme insult. Another story.)

The room got silent. The teacher was in shock that after watching something so graphic, those boy found it somewhere deep inside them to yell so many (many more I didn't list) things at me, because I quoted a statistic and labeled blame. Heaven-for-bid.

So which are you? Are you the one who would make the joke? Are you the one who would be offended, and if you are-what are you doing about it? Are you the one who would get angry, and yell at me, try to "teach me a lesson"? Are you the male who would step up in the end and apologize? Are you the older woman who is just disgusted? Are you the woman who sits next to me and is completely defined by her sexuality? Are you one of those who has been so hurt, so assaulted, so violated that you stay silent? Are you the loud bitchy lesbian(who's married to a very heterosexual football player herself) that is tired of a broken system that will never change if we all remain quiet?

Food for thought:

1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).¹

17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.¹

9 of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003.²

While about 80% of all victims are white, minorities are somewhat more likely to be attacked.

About 3% of American men — or 1 in 33 — have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.¹

• In 2003, 1 in every ten rape victims were male.²
• 2.78 million men in the U.S. have been victims of sexual assault or rape.¹

15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.³

• 29% are age 12-17.
• 44% are under age 18.³
• 80% are under age 30.³
• 12-34 are the highest risk years.
• Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.

7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.⁴

• 3% of boys grades 5-8 and 5% of boys in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.

In 1995, local child protection service agencies identified 126,000 children who were victims of either substantiated or indicated sexual abuse.⁵

• Of these, 75% were girls.
• Nearly 30% of child victims were between the age of 4 and 7.

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.⁶

• 34.2% of attackers were family members.
• 58.7% were acquaintances.
• Only 7% of the perpetrators were strangers to the victim.

Approximately 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim.¹
73% of sexual assaults were perpetrated by a non-stranger.¹
38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.¹
28% are an intimate.¹
7% are a relative.¹

^{All facts and statistics can be found at:} http://www.rainn.org/

Man alive do I love that husband of mine.

A Quickie

I'm pretty sure that by now I don't need to say that we're not interested in biologically procreating, but I will just for fun, but also because it is relevant.

I absotively LOVE this woman and read her blog daily. I would use another word to describe my feelings, but I really would love to make friends with her in real life and sit and drink coffee or tea while her children run around us in a blur and she cried to me about her life. Because I know that she would then allow me to cry about mine, and we would hug it out, and then do something so much less demanding. Basically a lot like my relationship with Rae, except that Rae and I had very different childhoods, and she only has two kids. I digress.

That woman I'm in love with linked to another dear lady's blog, and I got sucked into the surprises that come with giving birth and choosing to love whatever comes out of that 9 month(approx. I know it's longer) oven. I do want to know. Of course I do. My husband is SEX all the time, and I was one adorable kid, so I am curious. Who's not? I'm pretty sure everyone wants to know what a child of theirs would look like, I'm just not going to follow that curiosity.

But I do want to know. And I know that by deciding against having children biologically we are sacrificing that opportunity. However-I know that we will eventually grow past the child-ban en la chez Rowlett, and we will adopt...and those kids-they're so mine they won't know what hit em'.

Things have been getting increasingly busy lately. I'm so beyond thankful that I'm not working retail again this year....oi. With Thanksgiving comes time with my sister-in-law(always my favorite. of course.), and then the arrival of my mother shortly thereafter. So on top of holidays and all of that preparation, I have finals coming. I also have three Christmas parties in December, plus a girl's weekend with Rae and Sheilagh(sorry if I butchered the spelling there girl!), and house organizing to accommodate our guest that will surely drive Andrew and I to drink.

Fortunately, my husband is continuing to be an amazing man and tender lover. This weekend we're going on a little two day trip, returning just in time to go to Stella's birthday. He just couldn't wait to go somewhere, do SOMETHING, in our brand spankin' new car....which is just an incredible blessing. :)

I have been noticing lately though that I've come to a crossroads. A "friend cleanse" of sorts. As I'm sure has been apparent in my last few posts, I recently needed to end a relationship with someone who was no longer a person I wanted to share my life with. Fortunately for both of us, we got to that point at the same time. It is still funny to me though the petty steps she and her husband are making to clean up their mess with other members of the community I am a part of, especially when it comes to things like the fact that they emailed people on facebook asking them to unfriend us. Yes. Really. And yes, they're both over the age of thirty and are soon giving birth to their third child. Aren't you glad that they're molding the minds of our future? I sure am.

Along those lines, I'm rejoicing in the amazingly positive friendships I have right now, but am also recognizing another relationship I am a part of that is another case of wanting me around for comic relief/free babysitting/an ear to bitch to/etc. but has no interest in me as a human being. This would not be a problem for someone with more availability emotionally, but unfortunately I'm pretty used up. The hard part is that in both cases, these people were my family. The people I chose to have in my life to love and support me in return for the same. So it is hard to step back and realize that you were wrong, these people were just season people, not lifers. That there just isn't a place for them in your future, or you in theirs. That none of them are interested in who you are, but only who you were-and let me tell you: I'm not even impressed with who I was.

But how do you extricate yourself from something of this size? With the other relationship it came to an explosive end, but with this one I'd rather not burn the bridge, I just don't want to drive to the island anymore. Which I've already put into play, all of my friends are aware that I'm on a "break" from this person/their community for right now. But being even remotely involved with this person is just painful. Even a distantly communicative relationship is too demanding.

So I suppose I'll just wait. I do think it is funny though that I've grown past a point of wanting to keep any of the relationships that started back then, back when I was 14 and 3 and 27 all at the same time. Maybe I should send them all each other's phone numbers and they can all come together with their similar decisions and start a book club? I kid, I kid. It would be really successful though ;)