Hollywood is not America...

I've always been one of those people who is involved with music. Not in the fact that I play an instrument or anything, but I mean in relationship with-involved...I hear a song and I'm in it. I don't know how else to say that.

Anyway, lately I've been in a funk. Which is nothing new to me, but it's one of those funks where you just feel ugly and fat and disgusting...and where you go "if I was still single I could look like (insert your friend from growing up that is slutty/ultra hot here)." Which is stupid. I am amazingly blessed, to the depth of my soul I've been loved by the Lord, and here I am wanting to look like this girl I know who is a stripper and goes to the Playboy mansion all the time. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't even LIKE that look! I have always been a white cotton dress in the summer kind of girl...this is so trivial...

Then all this builds this wall up between Andrew and I. He's so attune to my feelings that he picks up on my oddities within a day. So he feels now like he's done something wrong...when in reality he hasn't, it's me, and I don't even have the energy to be what I know he needs me to be-reassuring and lovely. He went to the Blazers game with his friends tonight, which he needs, and before leaving he moped around with me and kept saying that he would stay if I would just ask him..I know-he's amazing..I told him to go spend time with his friends.

So I am now just home alone. Which I can say with conviction I've had enough of the past four weeks not being able to drive and then snowed in to top it off...if I do see people they're Andrew's relatives or friends...I could poke my eyes out. I need out of the house. Tomorrow we might go to Powell's, Andrew got me a gift card for Christmas. I want to get my tattoo colored in finally, and then get another. I want I want I want...I'm so everything my generation was raised to be. Gross.

Andrew did everything in his power to make this Christmas amazing, and it was. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't cry! Which is good, and he held my hand when I called my mom...he got me a sewing machine from a friend of his family's from the 80's, but it works perfectly-I just need to figure out how to use it!...lol. So affectionately, softly, and materialistically God blessed me with Andrew this year-He loves me that much.

Which makes me feel like the ultimate ass for being in this funk.