I feel alone. Which is bizarre, considering I'm married, but I do.

I could say that it is only social isolation, and that I am emotionally fulfilled, but I just kind of feel alone. I love my husband and I know what he needs to feel loved, so I do it and in turn he feels affirmed and needed and then treats me like a princess. So selfishly, at least I see it as selfishly, I feel alone.

I hurt the people that hurt me. Not in a random or accidental way. I purposefully hurt those who hurt me. I hurt those that hurt me and I isolate myself. Then I feel alone. Surprise. To top it all off, I am easily hurt. I play tough, and can always win a fight-regardless of what we're fighting about-but if I'm angry at all ever it means that I am hurting. Which if you know me means I'm hurting all the time....because I'm angry all the time.

My sister-in-law hates me. She hates me SO MUCH I cannot explain it. My friends tell me not to let it get to me, but here's the kicker: she's adopted. By these parents who love her, but aren't always amazing, but love her nonetheless. They bought her first car, and swim lessons which she developed into a competitive sport, and that baby grand in their living room-it's hers as soon as she has a place to put it. They miss her and call her all the time and wish she would just move back to Eugene. So she has this awesome support system, even if her mother very obviously encourages her to lose weight (which at 24 she needs to anyway...) and she hates me so much that she has manipulated my mother-in-law into "choosing sides."She plays the victim and will say one totally witchy thing to me, and then immediately call my mother-in-law crying about how I've hurt her "feelings" and how she thinks now she'll "never be able to fix it."

And my mother-in-law has totally eaten into it. Ally is "sensitive" she just "hasn't let me in" she's "really trying"....she told my mother-in-law from day one how she felt about me. From DAY ONE my mother-in-law was "there for her" and told her that if she can't find anything nice to say to me she should just pray. So when Andrew finally had enough and blew up at his mom for letting her completely ignore me and exclude me at family gatherings, his mom just told him Ally was following her advice and praying because she couldn't find anything nice to say to me.

All of this would normally be no big deal to me except this: My mother-in-law was my last chance. My last chance to have a mother and my sister-in-law hates me so much she has purposefully ruined it for me.

**And because I'm not only emotional but also confrontational...great combo...trust me...agh...I just called my mother in law BAWLING...so emberassing. And we hopefully fixed it. Kind of. Enough to move forward. Which is good. And quite frankly, a much healthier alternative to blogging. Now if only my sister-in-law were that easy...which she's not btw, I tried it once over a year ago and she kept saying "UM, I have NO IDEA what you're talking about?!?"...and then immediately called my mother-in-law and proceeded to cry for an hour about how horrible I am. Yes. Really.

That is all.