I had the most realistic dream the other day. Julia and Andrew are the only two people I've told about it up until now, but I wanted to write it down before I forgot.
In the dream I was pregnant with a girl, my girl, my little Capri. We were so excited because it was ours and such a blessing, and planned a home birth. When the time came there was a lot of walking around the house (stark naked...lol...I watched the Ricki Lake expose on home birth, pretty sure that the setting/wardrobe for my dream came directly from the film) and sweating, and nervousness.
The entire pregnancy I was excited, and when I went into labor I was just relieved to get her out and hold her. When the moment came to push, with my midwife standing to my right, and my husband behind me for support and holding my other hand, I got so scared. She was coming, forever, my life would be irrevocably changed and no going back. I began to cry because I was so intensly afraid of all the change that was about to happen, but after pushing for a while-while standing (I'm telling you...watch the video, I WAS the hot black mama from New York..swear it) my midwife told me to reach down and I could hold her as she was coming out. So I did. I felt her head and I pushed two more times so excited and scared and ready and crying until I hear her crying and everything changed.
The only thing I could think about was making her okay, to get her to stop crying. All I could ask through my tears was what was wrong, and is she okay, and why is she crying, omigosh she's beautiful...all of it...and Andrew was crying behind me and the midwife told me everything was fine and toweled her off and sat me down so we could all get cleaned up and rest....and I just held her. And later I fed her, and she was perfect. My little baby, my little miracle, my little Capri.
When I woke up I realized why people choose to have their own children. I'm still so afraid though, so afraid because Andrew and I both have only ever had dreams of our baby being a girl. Of a little baby girl with blue eyes and blonde hair, and I'm so afraid that if we ever do get pregnant and find out it's a boy, that I will be so let down. That I'll be so sad....and I don't want to be sad because we didn't get the baby my heart always felt was coming...you know?
The dream was so real. If I hadn't witnessed Connor's birth, and watched the video, and seen Julie with Maggie I wouldn't have been able to experience the entire thing so intensly. I am very naturally empathetic. But not in a "I could see how that would be for you" but in a "I can feel it to the core of my bones how that would be" way. I used to cry onstage when doing theatre because I could feel it. When I look at pictures of the girls being raped in other countries, in the U.S. at the age of 3, 7, 13..I get so upset because I want to kill the men that did it. It has a lot to do with my "passion"...lol...the polite way that people refer to my overbearing and loud temperament...I want to fight for those who've been trampled on because I can feel the feet upon my face and arms and spirit crushing me the way they are being muffled.
It was an intense dream though. I know that I will adopt, but I know that Capri will be mine and Andrew's biologically...I guess I just wanted to say that so that people know when I'm talking tough and screaming about the injustice and all of the selfish people looking the other way and having their own-that I'll be having my own and there is no judgement. I'm just loud.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Yesterday I ended up crying under the bed.
I'm not kidding. I literally crawled under the bed and bawled like a baby. I have not been in my "crisis" zone in a long time and yesterday while talking to Margo, she took me there. There are three stages to challenge in therapy. "Comfort" "Challenge" and "Crisis."
Yesterday, after already crying while talking to her on the phone, while telling Margo the story she said she understood but she saw both sides. I asked her what she meant and she began talking about how I'm so aggressive, intimidating, etc. that in being upset that they cannot resolve this whole baby issue is me being irrational. I yelled at her and told her I'm NOT being irrational, and NOBODY-including Andrew's family-thinks that what they're doing is excusable. She told me that I'm looking for a specific reaction, and that expecting them to do what I think is right (stop using their baby as a pawn in their pettiness) is irrational because Allie needs to discuss her feelings and such......my head literally felt like it was going to explode.
On top of everything else, which as time passes I have been asking myself if it really is a big deal, my mother-in-law yesterday had a mammogram and they found a tumor. It's benign, so the concern with this one is gone, but now that her body has started the mutations I'm extremely worried. Cancer is almost a guarantee in Andrew's family, and his Aunt (my MIL's sister) has had it five times. She's had a hysterectomy, a double mastectomy after battling breast cancer twice, and skin cancer. I am not making this up, she is a walking miracle.
So Leann's tumor is not only scary, but ominous. Andrew and his younger brother Nathan and their dad handled it well, along with Leann, but it just sucks. Andrew's Great Aunt Mira fell two days ago after a stroke, and her head bled for roughly 20 minutes until 911 got there...she was unconscious when they found her and has been since, they're saying that she will die sometime this week. These two things are very difficult for Andrew, but he's been wearing the brave face for me because I'm broken. I know I need to pull it together, accept that this whole-my in laws will never be the family I don't have, and some people never have mothers who will fight for them-thing and move on.
It just hurts. And it's hard. I wish that someone in the family would just put them in their place and tell them to grow the hell up. That ANYONE would stand up and defend me because this is just ridiculous. I keep waiting for a parent figure in my life to fight for me, to not abandon me when I am hurting.
While laying under the bed yesterday after locking the door Andrew knocked only once. He knows that sometimes I just need time. Margo on the other hand took about two minutes before she realized that maybe I just needed arms to hold me and ears to listen, instead of a rebuke on behalf of poor Allie. She knocked at least five times, but each time I just got more hurt, more angry. I know that I'm abrasive, I know that I'm awkward, I understand that I'm hard to be around. I've been changing as much as I can as quickly as I can without getting lost. I try to listen more and give my opinion less. I have tried to avoid saying the elephant in the room statements. I know that I'm still hard to love but damnit if I don't just need it sometimes! I have a husband, I know, but I just need a mother. Or a nurterer that isn't my sexual partner, I need someone to love me unconditionally and pick me up off the floor. I need friends who can acknowledge my growth without constantly thinking I'm still the same person I was five years ago, eight years ago...
I'm just tired. And hurting. And pissed that I've let my stupid in-laws get to me so much. It was just my last chance for a family, you know? And my stupid selfish hasherownparents sister-in-law thought she'd take it away for fun.
I sometimes just want to say fuck them. No lie. And yesterday Margo even pulled out her trick card: How can you call yourself a woman of Christ and write Allie off?
Answer: I'm not being a bad Christian by choosing to just not subject myself to anymore. I don't have to surround myself with people who are going to make me feel like crap. I'm not a bad Christian because I don't feel like trying with them anymore. It's like with my mom, I could continue to give her the opportunity to tear me down and break me, or I can recognize she's toxic, and I can't be around her.
I was so so so so so so hurt when she pulled the Christian card on me. After I had washed up and come down she hugged me and told me that God told her that she shouldn't have said those things, that I've already been abandoned by enough people in my life, and that she's not abandoning me. After that wasn't enough and I just kind of treated her cordially she told me she didn't want to have one of those situations where things are awkward after a confrontation. I just smiled at her.
I miss my friends. I miss the days when I could call Nicko and he would answer. I miss when my friends didn't all have kids and we could get together and whisper all night about anything. I miss Melissa and everything she was to me when we were younger. I wish that Andrew and his endless attempts to make me happy were enough.
I feel like crap.
I'm not kidding. I literally crawled under the bed and bawled like a baby. I have not been in my "crisis" zone in a long time and yesterday while talking to Margo, she took me there. There are three stages to challenge in therapy. "Comfort" "Challenge" and "Crisis."
Yesterday, after already crying while talking to her on the phone, while telling Margo the story she said she understood but she saw both sides. I asked her what she meant and she began talking about how I'm so aggressive, intimidating, etc. that in being upset that they cannot resolve this whole baby issue is me being irrational. I yelled at her and told her I'm NOT being irrational, and NOBODY-including Andrew's family-thinks that what they're doing is excusable. She told me that I'm looking for a specific reaction, and that expecting them to do what I think is right (stop using their baby as a pawn in their pettiness) is irrational because Allie needs to discuss her feelings and such......my head literally felt like it was going to explode.
On top of everything else, which as time passes I have been asking myself if it really is a big deal, my mother-in-law yesterday had a mammogram and they found a tumor. It's benign, so the concern with this one is gone, but now that her body has started the mutations I'm extremely worried. Cancer is almost a guarantee in Andrew's family, and his Aunt (my MIL's sister) has had it five times. She's had a hysterectomy, a double mastectomy after battling breast cancer twice, and skin cancer. I am not making this up, she is a walking miracle.
So Leann's tumor is not only scary, but ominous. Andrew and his younger brother Nathan and their dad handled it well, along with Leann, but it just sucks. Andrew's Great Aunt Mira fell two days ago after a stroke, and her head bled for roughly 20 minutes until 911 got there...she was unconscious when they found her and has been since, they're saying that she will die sometime this week. These two things are very difficult for Andrew, but he's been wearing the brave face for me because I'm broken. I know I need to pull it together, accept that this whole-my in laws will never be the family I don't have, and some people never have mothers who will fight for them-thing and move on.
It just hurts. And it's hard. I wish that someone in the family would just put them in their place and tell them to grow the hell up. That ANYONE would stand up and defend me because this is just ridiculous. I keep waiting for a parent figure in my life to fight for me, to not abandon me when I am hurting.
While laying under the bed yesterday after locking the door Andrew knocked only once. He knows that sometimes I just need time. Margo on the other hand took about two minutes before she realized that maybe I just needed arms to hold me and ears to listen, instead of a rebuke on behalf of poor Allie. She knocked at least five times, but each time I just got more hurt, more angry. I know that I'm abrasive, I know that I'm awkward, I understand that I'm hard to be around. I've been changing as much as I can as quickly as I can without getting lost. I try to listen more and give my opinion less. I have tried to avoid saying the elephant in the room statements. I know that I'm still hard to love but damnit if I don't just need it sometimes! I have a husband, I know, but I just need a mother. Or a nurterer that isn't my sexual partner, I need someone to love me unconditionally and pick me up off the floor. I need friends who can acknowledge my growth without constantly thinking I'm still the same person I was five years ago, eight years ago...
I'm just tired. And hurting. And pissed that I've let my stupid in-laws get to me so much. It was just my last chance for a family, you know? And my stupid selfish hasherownparents sister-in-law thought she'd take it away for fun.
I sometimes just want to say fuck them. No lie. And yesterday Margo even pulled out her trick card: How can you call yourself a woman of Christ and write Allie off?
Answer: I'm not being a bad Christian by choosing to just not subject myself to anymore. I don't have to surround myself with people who are going to make me feel like crap. I'm not a bad Christian because I don't feel like trying with them anymore. It's like with my mom, I could continue to give her the opportunity to tear me down and break me, or I can recognize she's toxic, and I can't be around her.
I was so so so so so so hurt when she pulled the Christian card on me. After I had washed up and come down she hugged me and told me that God told her that she shouldn't have said those things, that I've already been abandoned by enough people in my life, and that she's not abandoning me. After that wasn't enough and I just kind of treated her cordially she told me she didn't want to have one of those situations where things are awkward after a confrontation. I just smiled at her.
I miss my friends. I miss the days when I could call Nicko and he would answer. I miss when my friends didn't all have kids and we could get together and whisper all night about anything. I miss Melissa and everything she was to me when we were younger. I wish that Andrew and his endless attempts to make me happy were enough.
I feel like crap.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Brokenness
I've been an emotional mess for the past two days.
It all started with the Great Baby Debacle 09' on Saturday. Andrew and I found out it is just us that have been excluded from holding or touching the baby. Literally, just us. I was sitting on the couch when they walked in Saturday and Allie and Jon both stood next to me with the baby and neither offered. Since we were still under the "nobody can touch him for 3-6 weeks" assumption, of course I didn't ask. After we left Nathan told me that in the kitchen Allie offered the baby to him to hold...while I was literally just sitting on the couch and he HATES holding babies, but I have like a million friends who also have (semi) newborns...
Then we went to Auntie Bev's house and not only has she been holding the baby, but she was also invited to the hospital (from which we were banned). Yesterday when we got to Andrew's parents house they walked out the door right as we were walking in, impeccable timing eh?, so another missed chance. Last night at Thatcher's RANDOM PERSON/Andrew's friend saw them at church yesterday and...yes...touched and snuggled their child.
On top of that I had to surrender the Bible study to the boys last night because there is one guy in it that is uncomfortable with me, and I would rather that they can all go together than avoid it because of me. He's also super close with all of the boys, so last night I was very obviously excluded and laughed at a couple of times....
It was just a totally crappy weekend, and I bawled like a hysterical baby last night for a good ten minutes. I didn't even want to be with Andrew. So while I'm letting it all out in the car he came out with Hurley and told me if he couldn't be with me at least I could snuggle the cat...very sweet-I know. lol.
Next week our church is fasting for the city of Portland, for our community, for our church, and for our spiritual needs. I've been feeling something big coming lately, but I cannot see it yet. Generally when God breaks me in two like He did last night, something is coming. So I am excited for the timing He has divinely provided, and I will be on my knees seeking his face.
While crying last night I realized that more of my pain came from being so far from God, losing sight of His open arms. That if I had been in His embrace I wouldn't have gotten to that point, I would have been obediently being quiet at the right moments....
I have applied to go to India this fall. For all of the information on the program please check out www.thehomefoundation.net I've been feeling God pulling me there for a little over a year now, with the issue being presented to me two years ago at an Imago Dei informational meeting. I pray not that I get accepted, but that God's will is done. If you could join me in prayer that would be awesome!
I suppose I just need prayer period lately. For some reason I've just been feeling so broken and alone...which is such an odd thing to feel when you're married. I never thought I'd get back to here.
It all started with the Great Baby Debacle 09' on Saturday. Andrew and I found out it is just us that have been excluded from holding or touching the baby. Literally, just us. I was sitting on the couch when they walked in Saturday and Allie and Jon both stood next to me with the baby and neither offered. Since we were still under the "nobody can touch him for 3-6 weeks" assumption, of course I didn't ask. After we left Nathan told me that in the kitchen Allie offered the baby to him to hold...while I was literally just sitting on the couch and he HATES holding babies, but I have like a million friends who also have (semi) newborns...
Then we went to Auntie Bev's house and not only has she been holding the baby, but she was also invited to the hospital (from which we were banned). Yesterday when we got to Andrew's parents house they walked out the door right as we were walking in, impeccable timing eh?, so another missed chance. Last night at Thatcher's RANDOM PERSON/Andrew's friend saw them at church yesterday and...yes...touched and snuggled their child.
On top of that I had to surrender the Bible study to the boys last night because there is one guy in it that is uncomfortable with me, and I would rather that they can all go together than avoid it because of me. He's also super close with all of the boys, so last night I was very obviously excluded and laughed at a couple of times....
It was just a totally crappy weekend, and I bawled like a hysterical baby last night for a good ten minutes. I didn't even want to be with Andrew. So while I'm letting it all out in the car he came out with Hurley and told me if he couldn't be with me at least I could snuggle the cat...very sweet-I know. lol.
Next week our church is fasting for the city of Portland, for our community, for our church, and for our spiritual needs. I've been feeling something big coming lately, but I cannot see it yet. Generally when God breaks me in two like He did last night, something is coming. So I am excited for the timing He has divinely provided, and I will be on my knees seeking his face.
While crying last night I realized that more of my pain came from being so far from God, losing sight of His open arms. That if I had been in His embrace I wouldn't have gotten to that point, I would have been obediently being quiet at the right moments....
I have applied to go to India this fall. For all of the information on the program please check out www.thehomefoundation.net I've been feeling God pulling me there for a little over a year now, with the issue being presented to me two years ago at an Imago Dei informational meeting. I pray not that I get accepted, but that God's will is done. If you could join me in prayer that would be awesome!
I suppose I just need prayer period lately. For some reason I've just been feeling so broken and alone...which is such an odd thing to feel when you're married. I never thought I'd get back to here.
Monday, June 1, 2009
So many things
So much has been happening but at the same time I haven't felt anything worth updating...Allie had her baby: Jonathan Malakai Rowlett, but they want everyone to call him "Kai." I finally got to see him today-one week after he was born, and in 3-6 weeks I get to hold him.....no, he was not a NICU baby, and yes he's totally fine. They're just crazy. I'm too tired right now to rant about this, but I'm sure it kind of goes without saying.
I got a job at Best Buy part-time. It's great for my schedule and money is money. The camp on the mountain has been amazing. We're both really sad that it is ending so soon, but I've gained some awesome experience and am really grateful for the opportunity.
I got the Murena IUD put in on Thursday, so as of this coming Thursday when it becomes effective I will officially be kid free for five years. Which is so freeing. I mean so so so so so so so so so so so so freeing.
I've cut meat and alcohol out of my diet, and I'm starting to actually like myself-which is awesome. I feel better and I know soon I'll start to look better...next step: sugar...oi.
Andrew's brother Nathan graduated from high school on Friday and this weekend was a whirlwind of graduation festivities and parties to attend for he and his friends.
I feel good right now. I love my husband. I was having a moment or two of the end of the honeymoon....but I'm just so damned blessed it's back again. God really did make my dreams (and every other woman's for that matter...lol) come true. I actually just enjoy Andrew and our life and our dynamic so much that I'm sometimes afraid to bring children into the picture...I find myself thinking often about just not having any at all and just being best friends with my husband forever and never getting distracted by diapers and soccer and training bras and college...Andrew would die though. I know I'll be ready someday. Someday at least five years away from today.
Cutting alcohol out has made me realize that maybe Andrew is kind of right, and maybe I do kind of have a bit of a problem. I'm on the brink of picking up smoking because of the edge my body is sitting on right now...not really-but it's crossed my mind. Somehow I had come to the point where casually having a drink or two with friends was happening 3-5 times a week...don't ask me how but it did. So I'm off the drink for at least a month, but considering how great I've been feeling lately hopefully I'll just kick it for a while.
Anyway-our bedroom is so perfectly air-conditioned now which has made my bed with my husband not only my favorite place to be in the world, but now the source of all my daydreams...I'm going to go live the dream.
Loves.
I got a job at Best Buy part-time. It's great for my schedule and money is money. The camp on the mountain has been amazing. We're both really sad that it is ending so soon, but I've gained some awesome experience and am really grateful for the opportunity.
I got the Murena IUD put in on Thursday, so as of this coming Thursday when it becomes effective I will officially be kid free for five years. Which is so freeing. I mean so so so so so so so so so so so so freeing.
I've cut meat and alcohol out of my diet, and I'm starting to actually like myself-which is awesome. I feel better and I know soon I'll start to look better...next step: sugar...oi.
Andrew's brother Nathan graduated from high school on Friday and this weekend was a whirlwind of graduation festivities and parties to attend for he and his friends.
I feel good right now. I love my husband. I was having a moment or two of the end of the honeymoon....but I'm just so damned blessed it's back again. God really did make my dreams (and every other woman's for that matter...lol) come true. I actually just enjoy Andrew and our life and our dynamic so much that I'm sometimes afraid to bring children into the picture...I find myself thinking often about just not having any at all and just being best friends with my husband forever and never getting distracted by diapers and soccer and training bras and college...Andrew would die though. I know I'll be ready someday. Someday at least five years away from today.
Cutting alcohol out has made me realize that maybe Andrew is kind of right, and maybe I do kind of have a bit of a problem. I'm on the brink of picking up smoking because of the edge my body is sitting on right now...not really-but it's crossed my mind. Somehow I had come to the point where casually having a drink or two with friends was happening 3-5 times a week...don't ask me how but it did. So I'm off the drink for at least a month, but considering how great I've been feeling lately hopefully I'll just kick it for a while.
Anyway-our bedroom is so perfectly air-conditioned now which has made my bed with my husband not only my favorite place to be in the world, but now the source of all my daydreams...I'm going to go live the dream.
Loves.
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