My mother sent me a facebook message to tell me that "some people have been saying they have not recieved their thank you cards. Please send them. Love, Mom." today. I can't seem to figure out why this infuriates me so, but it does. I have two left, one each for my great aunts, and since it's been forever Andrew and I will be hand delivering them. She would know that if she wasn't such a whore.
Me feels betters....
Also I'm a huge baby. These braces spacers are kicking my butt. I didn't use even half the pain killers for my broken foot, so I've put a couple to good use for my teeth pain...seriously...I'm such a cry baby. It REALLY hurts though! No judgement.
Excited for psych, painting, and even math so far...still have health and chem to start, but looking good so far. Homework load will be acceptable, and I'm really thinking that 19 credits isn't even enough...oh well. We'll see how I do.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sometimes to Torture Myself...
I go to the waiting children bios for Oregon and Washington. The children in Foster Care waiting for adoptive parents. They have pictures, first name only, and state...so for all you overprotective weirdos, it's not like I could go kidnap any of them..
Anyway, every-single-time-I-look I find at least five kids that would be perfect in our spare rooms. Today I even found a teenager that would seriously fall right in like sugar in tea. But we're not ready, definitely don't have the distance for a teenager especially, it just hurts. It hurts because I know that I am capable of loving them, it hurts because nobody else is. It hurts because I know hundreds of people, and I also know I'm the only one of all the people I know that cruises the kids who need homes just in case one of them is perfect enough for us that Andrew would consider it...
No, it's not like a pet shop. No, I'm not a saint. Yes, I would want a child to be happy with us, so making sure they were the right fit is essential. And yes, I wish that everyone I knew had hearts to unconditionally love other people's children, but they don't. So I can't expect my friends and family to think about adoption first. I can't get angry at them for not. But truth-I do. I am angry and I do expect it, and sometimes I want to slap them all...ESPECIALLY the ones who are in the place financially and socially to do it...oi.
I just hurt for them. The anger is unnecessary, but I am a true to it every time-get angry when you're hurting-girl, so it's more about the hurting.
On our trip Andrew and I officially decided that we will begin the process to become foster parents as soon as I begin my classes at PSU. Which means either this fall or this winter. This puts Andrew in the position to either be graduating or about to graduate when we would get our first child, and I would have a more steady class schedule/more time for a child. The classes I'd be taking at PSU would be more upper division courses, so I would be at school during the day as opposed to now when I have the flexibility to take them at night. That also gives us roughly another year and half alone before we open our hearts to another member of our family. And each and every single child we get will be another member of our family. We've discussed the details and have decided to start we will only be fostering one child at a time so as to give them all of our attention (which at this point their hearts so desperately need, especially when just fostering them...you never know how long or short their stay will be with you), and will only be fostering children age7 and younger. This has to do with the fact that since neither of us has ever been parents, working with children I have more experience with would be better, and because with older children we're so young there isn't enough distance age-wise for it to be a good decision.
Which I'm more excited about than the trip to Barcelona. So if you end up having a crib or toddler bed or whatever that you don't need anymore...we'd love to take it off your hands when we start renovating the spare room! :) We'd also love to store it for you in our basement if you don't want to wait until then. I know that this is what God has called my heart to, and that is why despite the fact that it will be the most challenging attempt of our lives, I am excited.
Anyway, every-single-time-I-look I find at least five kids that would be perfect in our spare rooms. Today I even found a teenager that would seriously fall right in like sugar in tea. But we're not ready, definitely don't have the distance for a teenager especially, it just hurts. It hurts because I know that I am capable of loving them, it hurts because nobody else is. It hurts because I know hundreds of people, and I also know I'm the only one of all the people I know that cruises the kids who need homes just in case one of them is perfect enough for us that Andrew would consider it...
No, it's not like a pet shop. No, I'm not a saint. Yes, I would want a child to be happy with us, so making sure they were the right fit is essential. And yes, I wish that everyone I knew had hearts to unconditionally love other people's children, but they don't. So I can't expect my friends and family to think about adoption first. I can't get angry at them for not. But truth-I do. I am angry and I do expect it, and sometimes I want to slap them all...ESPECIALLY the ones who are in the place financially and socially to do it...oi.
I just hurt for them. The anger is unnecessary, but I am a true to it every time-get angry when you're hurting-girl, so it's more about the hurting.
On our trip Andrew and I officially decided that we will begin the process to become foster parents as soon as I begin my classes at PSU. Which means either this fall or this winter. This puts Andrew in the position to either be graduating or about to graduate when we would get our first child, and I would have a more steady class schedule/more time for a child. The classes I'd be taking at PSU would be more upper division courses, so I would be at school during the day as opposed to now when I have the flexibility to take them at night. That also gives us roughly another year and half alone before we open our hearts to another member of our family. And each and every single child we get will be another member of our family. We've discussed the details and have decided to start we will only be fostering one child at a time so as to give them all of our attention (which at this point their hearts so desperately need, especially when just fostering them...you never know how long or short their stay will be with you), and will only be fostering children age7 and younger. This has to do with the fact that since neither of us has ever been parents, working with children I have more experience with would be better, and because with older children we're so young there isn't enough distance age-wise for it to be a good decision.
Which I'm more excited about than the trip to Barcelona. So if you end up having a crib or toddler bed or whatever that you don't need anymore...we'd love to take it off your hands when we start renovating the spare room! :) We'd also love to store it for you in our basement if you don't want to wait until then. I know that this is what God has called my heart to, and that is why despite the fact that it will be the most challenging attempt of our lives, I am excited.
Friday, March 27, 2009
I feel like there is so much to say, but nothing all at once.
For our one year anniversary Andrew told me to leave the house for at least four hours. I ran to pick up our cake at the bakery, went and snuggled the moose, got my nails done, hung out with the Crumbakers...waited some more...and then came home to 4,000 post-its covering the walls of our bedrooms with little notes scattered on every 10th one. The first year the traditional gift is paper...so it loved me with notes. It was perfect. I'm a grand gesture kind of girl, but feel guilty when loads of money are spent, so he really did the exactly perfect thing. I am a princess-truly.
Our trip was...quite honestly-painful. We were originally going to fly standby a la the tickets my amazing friend Lauren gave us, but when we arrived at the airport found out that they had overbooked the flights for PAYING customers by THREE DAYS....so we looked into driving or taking the train to Seattle and getting on there....those flights had 25 people flying standby in front of us with only six seats available. We looked at taking the train-full. We thought of taking the bus-couldn't....so instead of canceling our trip and not going to visit my grandma who never has any visitors we rented a car and drove 16 hours straight to Vegas. I can say with certainty that I despise Vegas. I really do. I had been there once before when I was 12 and I despised it then. We went because it was a cheap vacation due to the fact that my grandmother and her gambling addiction got free hotel rooms for the entire trip, and Andrew hadn't been. I tried to warn him ahead of time that Vegas isn't really that great, and it's just full of gambling, strippers, and tackiness, but we got excited just to be taking a trip anyway. Spending time with Andrew was amazing, it really was, and I so look forward to the Fall when we finally take our very first vacation where we're not spending our time off either at the beach with Papa or in Nevada with Grandma....Barcelona please don'd disappoint!...My grandmother though, really was hard to get along with. I try to rationalize how much we dislike each other. I look at my female peers and analyze the relationships they have with their mothers. I see that for all females the hardest person to take advice or help from is generally one's mother, and that all mother's feel frustrated at trying endlessly to no avail. I lived with my grandparents during the most hormonally challenging part of my upbringing, and therefore can see why I would have the same frustrations with my grandmother as others do with their mothers...but there's more to it.
She really doesn't like me. If not for Andrew I'm sure she would have very politely just asked me to go home early. Fortunately, I married a man it is impossible not to love, and therefore many are willing to overlook my countless faults. By the end of the first day I had become so disgusted by the fact that all she wanted to do was go to other casinos and...play slots. Literally. She didn't want to do anything but dump hundreds and hundreds of dollars into these games. The entire trip Andrew and I had one meal alone together, and it was only because we woke up at 11:00 one night starving so quietly snuck out of the room so as not to wake grandma, and had a late dinner by ourselves. One full week of spending time with my grandmother 20 hours out of the day.
She has a cute little house the perfect size for one, in a cute little retirement community in Bullhead City, Nevada-right across from Laughlin, Nevada a.k.a. home to 8 casinos...but it's really is the perfect place for her. It's warm, she gets to swim everyday, she has a cat, she can gamble...but the ENTIRE trip all she wanted to do was gamble and talk crap about my papa. Which is not okay. She slapped him with a divorce out of the blue last year after telling everyone in the free world he had pulled a gun on her, and he had no idea it was coming. They hadn't lived together for nearly a decade anyway, but had decided to stay together for the tax reasons. They had even gotten a legal division of property, but were going to stay married. He is now trying to be happy and has started seeing someone, but she is just hanging on to her misery for dear life. So we tried to deflect, and talk about other things. But the ENTIRE trip, and I know this may just be me being selfish, she never asked me anything about my life. She has no idea what I'm doing at school, if I'm even going to school, if I have any plans, what's going on with my friends, she wouldn't even know I'm not working if I hadn't told her...which just led to endless sideways comments about incompetent women...went so far as to(as she always does, I'm sure out of jealousy) to talk bad about Margo and how she is just a useless woman catering to her husband's needs...that now that her kids are out of the house she needs to work. I politely just said that for some people who have the opportunity to choose as Margo does, they actually prefer to stay at home. "huh..."
The last night we were there while my husband was in the bathroom, so there would be no witnesses, she brought up papa and how he was being such an asshole by not helping her with this and that. How it was so lonely down there, but she didn't have anywhere else to go becuase he wouldn't help her (which is total bs. She is better set up for retirement than he is, he just doesn't gamble 75% of his income away...) I just told her to stop, and that after having him served with divorce papers in his driveway one day without so much as a warning email, he owed her nothing. That she had always wanted out and that she finally was. She couldn't expect anything from him, and he no longer owed her anything. She was LIVID pissed. When Andrew showed back up at the table, we just got up and left. As we were walking out the door after four whole minutes of silence from her, which is a lot, I promise, she turns to me and says "You know Heather, I just want to say one thing. That day that grandpa pulled that gun on me I just knew that I had to get out bec..." "Just stop grandma! He doesn't talk shit about you so stop talking shit about him! You divorced him, it's over, finito, let it go, move on!" Instead of just letting it lie she went onto say "Weeelll you just know everything don't you missy?!"
Insert poor Andrew trying to be polite but looking at her like she just lit her hair on fire.
"No grandma, and considering it's over, I don't NEED to know everything. What would be the point? It's over."
Then my amazing prince stepped in and deflected and told her we were going to go ahead and get the car and meet her by the front door. We drove her back to her place and the whole time tried to make small talk but she kept making offhand comments about the tragedy of motherhood and how horrible she had been treated her whole life.....This morning as she dropped us off at the airport I gave her a hug and a thanks so much for letting us come visit, and she leaned over and gave Andrew a hug saying "You balance Heather out really well. Without you I wouldn't have survived this trip."
My husband has a really hard time empathizing with me and my feelings toward my family. Until he spends time with them. I recognize my grandmother is wounded, that she really is lonely, and that she just needs love. I am thankful that due to my amazing husband I can try to love her even though it hurts. I wish that there were others, like her two favorite children-my aunt Julie and uncle Jamey, who would visit her more often so that she wasn't so lonely. Or that she would just sell that house and move here and make it easier for everyone. But if wishes and buts were candies and nuts we'd all have a really great Christmas.
Bottom line, I love my husband. My family is dark and twisty and I've told Andrew to watch the Ya Ya Sisterhood movie to try to get a grasp on why we all are who we are...lol...no, but seriously, that really is my family....and I love my Savior. Even though each person in my life that has played the "mother" role has seriously fallen short by the standards ascribed to by not only all of my past therapists, but also anyone who has every heard the entire story, God gave me three women to love me. Without my mother I wouldn't have been nurtured as a small child which ultimately was the base for my entire personality. Without my grandmother I would have been stuck with my mother and Robert and his abuse and control...and honestly I can't even say I would be alive today. Without Margo I would have never learned about Christ, and His great love. I would have never seen how to authentically and unconditionally love others. So even though each of these women has hurt me in immeasurable ways, I know that God did not leave me or forsake me. He rained down mannah from heaven and I am so grateful for His blessing. He sustains me, He loves me, and He watches over me with the persistance of Edward Cullen...lol.
I am blessed.
For our one year anniversary Andrew told me to leave the house for at least four hours. I ran to pick up our cake at the bakery, went and snuggled the moose, got my nails done, hung out with the Crumbakers...waited some more...and then came home to 4,000 post-its covering the walls of our bedrooms with little notes scattered on every 10th one. The first year the traditional gift is paper...so it loved me with notes. It was perfect. I'm a grand gesture kind of girl, but feel guilty when loads of money are spent, so he really did the exactly perfect thing. I am a princess-truly.
Our trip was...quite honestly-painful. We were originally going to fly standby a la the tickets my amazing friend Lauren gave us, but when we arrived at the airport found out that they had overbooked the flights for PAYING customers by THREE DAYS....so we looked into driving or taking the train to Seattle and getting on there....those flights had 25 people flying standby in front of us with only six seats available. We looked at taking the train-full. We thought of taking the bus-couldn't....so instead of canceling our trip and not going to visit my grandma who never has any visitors we rented a car and drove 16 hours straight to Vegas. I can say with certainty that I despise Vegas. I really do. I had been there once before when I was 12 and I despised it then. We went because it was a cheap vacation due to the fact that my grandmother and her gambling addiction got free hotel rooms for the entire trip, and Andrew hadn't been. I tried to warn him ahead of time that Vegas isn't really that great, and it's just full of gambling, strippers, and tackiness, but we got excited just to be taking a trip anyway. Spending time with Andrew was amazing, it really was, and I so look forward to the Fall when we finally take our very first vacation where we're not spending our time off either at the beach with Papa or in Nevada with Grandma....Barcelona please don'd disappoint!...My grandmother though, really was hard to get along with. I try to rationalize how much we dislike each other. I look at my female peers and analyze the relationships they have with their mothers. I see that for all females the hardest person to take advice or help from is generally one's mother, and that all mother's feel frustrated at trying endlessly to no avail. I lived with my grandparents during the most hormonally challenging part of my upbringing, and therefore can see why I would have the same frustrations with my grandmother as others do with their mothers...but there's more to it.
She really doesn't like me. If not for Andrew I'm sure she would have very politely just asked me to go home early. Fortunately, I married a man it is impossible not to love, and therefore many are willing to overlook my countless faults. By the end of the first day I had become so disgusted by the fact that all she wanted to do was go to other casinos and...play slots. Literally. She didn't want to do anything but dump hundreds and hundreds of dollars into these games. The entire trip Andrew and I had one meal alone together, and it was only because we woke up at 11:00 one night starving so quietly snuck out of the room so as not to wake grandma, and had a late dinner by ourselves. One full week of spending time with my grandmother 20 hours out of the day.
She has a cute little house the perfect size for one, in a cute little retirement community in Bullhead City, Nevada-right across from Laughlin, Nevada a.k.a. home to 8 casinos...but it's really is the perfect place for her. It's warm, she gets to swim everyday, she has a cat, she can gamble...but the ENTIRE trip all she wanted to do was gamble and talk crap about my papa. Which is not okay. She slapped him with a divorce out of the blue last year after telling everyone in the free world he had pulled a gun on her, and he had no idea it was coming. They hadn't lived together for nearly a decade anyway, but had decided to stay together for the tax reasons. They had even gotten a legal division of property, but were going to stay married. He is now trying to be happy and has started seeing someone, but she is just hanging on to her misery for dear life. So we tried to deflect, and talk about other things. But the ENTIRE trip, and I know this may just be me being selfish, she never asked me anything about my life. She has no idea what I'm doing at school, if I'm even going to school, if I have any plans, what's going on with my friends, she wouldn't even know I'm not working if I hadn't told her...which just led to endless sideways comments about incompetent women...went so far as to(as she always does, I'm sure out of jealousy) to talk bad about Margo and how she is just a useless woman catering to her husband's needs...that now that her kids are out of the house she needs to work. I politely just said that for some people who have the opportunity to choose as Margo does, they actually prefer to stay at home. "huh..."
The last night we were there while my husband was in the bathroom, so there would be no witnesses, she brought up papa and how he was being such an asshole by not helping her with this and that. How it was so lonely down there, but she didn't have anywhere else to go becuase he wouldn't help her (which is total bs. She is better set up for retirement than he is, he just doesn't gamble 75% of his income away...) I just told her to stop, and that after having him served with divorce papers in his driveway one day without so much as a warning email, he owed her nothing. That she had always wanted out and that she finally was. She couldn't expect anything from him, and he no longer owed her anything. She was LIVID pissed. When Andrew showed back up at the table, we just got up and left. As we were walking out the door after four whole minutes of silence from her, which is a lot, I promise, she turns to me and says "You know Heather, I just want to say one thing. That day that grandpa pulled that gun on me I just knew that I had to get out bec..." "Just stop grandma! He doesn't talk shit about you so stop talking shit about him! You divorced him, it's over, finito, let it go, move on!" Instead of just letting it lie she went onto say "Weeelll you just know everything don't you missy?!"
Insert poor Andrew trying to be polite but looking at her like she just lit her hair on fire.
"No grandma, and considering it's over, I don't NEED to know everything. What would be the point? It's over."
Then my amazing prince stepped in and deflected and told her we were going to go ahead and get the car and meet her by the front door. We drove her back to her place and the whole time tried to make small talk but she kept making offhand comments about the tragedy of motherhood and how horrible she had been treated her whole life.....This morning as she dropped us off at the airport I gave her a hug and a thanks so much for letting us come visit, and she leaned over and gave Andrew a hug saying "You balance Heather out really well. Without you I wouldn't have survived this trip."
My husband has a really hard time empathizing with me and my feelings toward my family. Until he spends time with them. I recognize my grandmother is wounded, that she really is lonely, and that she just needs love. I am thankful that due to my amazing husband I can try to love her even though it hurts. I wish that there were others, like her two favorite children-my aunt Julie and uncle Jamey, who would visit her more often so that she wasn't so lonely. Or that she would just sell that house and move here and make it easier for everyone. But if wishes and buts were candies and nuts we'd all have a really great Christmas.
Bottom line, I love my husband. My family is dark and twisty and I've told Andrew to watch the Ya Ya Sisterhood movie to try to get a grasp on why we all are who we are...lol...no, but seriously, that really is my family....and I love my Savior. Even though each person in my life that has played the "mother" role has seriously fallen short by the standards ascribed to by not only all of my past therapists, but also anyone who has every heard the entire story, God gave me three women to love me. Without my mother I wouldn't have been nurtured as a small child which ultimately was the base for my entire personality. Without my grandmother I would have been stuck with my mother and Robert and his abuse and control...and honestly I can't even say I would be alive today. Without Margo I would have never learned about Christ, and His great love. I would have never seen how to authentically and unconditionally love others. So even though each of these women has hurt me in immeasurable ways, I know that God did not leave me or forsake me. He rained down mannah from heaven and I am so grateful for His blessing. He sustains me, He loves me, and He watches over me with the persistance of Edward Cullen...lol.
I am blessed.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Connor Xavier Ohman has arrived!!
Melissa and Matt Ohman's baby boy Connor Xavier arrived on 03/08/2009 at 5:58 p.m. He weighed in at 9lbs 14.4oz and is now my little Moose. Or moosey. Or Moose. Or just plain a miracle. I was fortunate enough to actually see the birth this time(thanks for trying Julia!) and it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I cried, and I don't cry at all. Andrew was shocked....lol. It was more touching for me to see the immediate transformation from Melissa to Mommy. I cried when she cried, I cried when they handed him to Matt's very excited hands, I cried when she sqeezed my hand and thanked me for coming...I cried because my best-friend, through all of our very sisterly ups and downs-is now a mommy.
The original plan was just to have Margo and Matt in the room with Melissa, and I totally respected that. Melissa has a hard time with a lot of attention, and is a very private person so it made sense. For the past two weeks I have been waiting on pins and needles though for that 3 AM text announcing the travel to the hospital. I've spent more time just hanging out with Matt and Mel over the past month in hopes of being there at the right moment, than I had over the past year and a half. I missed her. I love where we are now. Things are finally getting back to where we were before the big blowout 08...we share our secrets and giggle and eat cookies. I love her and I'm so thankful that things are levelling out...you know? Through every relationship, especially one that is so carefully balanced atop multiple dimensions-family, friend, sister, enemy, etc...there is growth and change. I'm loving where we're headed and Matt and I are continually growing closer, which Melissa loves. He's a very reserved guy, so it's nice when she can have a friend over he'll actually chat with.
Which is how I came to be in the room for the miracle...I had spent the night at the Crumbaker's in their guest room as Mel had started having contractions the day before. They were not intense enough to necessitate a check-in at the hospital, but the show had begun. So stupidly, I was the only one who stayed up until 3:00 waiting for the call...and finally dozed when Matt called from the hospital at 5:30 to say she was in labor. Mike, Margo, and I all quickly showered an rushed over and settled in for the long haul. After Mike could see that things were actually not going to happen soon, and that his presence just made Melissa feel like she had to cover her goodies with the gown every time she moved, he politely exited and went home to spend time with Melika's brother Jeff. All day we waited, and I rubbed her feet (something I learned from Rae Ann...thanks Rae!). It got to the point that she told me I was required to rub them through her contractions to help. I made all my very stupid/corny jokes and made Matt laugh while Melissa was a stinking soldier and cranked those contractions out like a freaking Marine. By lunch time, when Margo and I left for an hour or so to give the parents some alone time, Matt asked Melissa if I could please stay...lol. So they asked me to stay, and I got to witness/photograph the blessed event. I know that just somehow turned Mel's birth into a story about me, and that was not my intention. I was just shocked and shaken she let me stay. I mean-I'm her only "naked" friend...you know, the ones you get naky with and don't feel wierd, but even with that being true I was still surprised...I am so thankful I got to be there for it, and I am so amazed at what a strong woman she is. It was incredible.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
It is time I think
I have known him since I was 16, and I think it is finally time to stop talking to him. It will never go away, and will not get easier, but the fact that it is the way it is only hinders my promise and relationship with my husband. Nothing has or would happen, but even the talking is no bueno. Andrew knows that we talk, and I have not hidden anything from him, but I need to just let it go. Sometimes talking with him makes me kind of bitter. Bitter that Andrew will never be able to appreciate the same things as I, that when we do go to Europe I'll have to explain everything to him the whole time. That he's not like me in the fact that he's very planned. Then, as "Every Woman's Battle" says will happen...I begin to realize this bitterness comes from the fact that he would be able to appreciate it all, that he is very planned, that I will always have feelings for him.
Then after thinking all of this through OF COURSE I come to the realization I just need to stop all contact with him. I made a decision and committed to it. I told him I couldn't wait around for him and I wouldn't. That after five years of both of us doing what we wanted but planning on ending up together that the whole thing was ridiculous and pointless, all that hurting of other people on the way. Three weeks later I met Andrew. And I chose Andrew. He was upset and quit talking to me for a while, but who's fault is that? We started talking again about six months ago or so, very casually, but I just don't think it's right. He has entered into(another) relationship, and since us he has never been present like he was with me until now. Which is healthy and necessary and I'm glad that we're both moving away from that idea we held so tightly for so long. I can say honestly though-that I definitely held it tighter than he did...until I didn't. I sent him a copy of the first 46 pages, so it's not like I would be walking away with anything unsaid. It is all there, and I am here, and this is the path my life has taken.
I love my husband. He is amazing. I will never be my mother. I made my choice, and it was a good one. Now I just need to finalize it all. I think that will be my secret one year anniversary gift to Andrew.
I have (I have) you breathing down my neck (breathing down my neck)
I don't (don't know) what you could possibly expect under this condition so
I'll wait (I'll wait) for the ambulance to come (ambulance to come)
Pick us up off the floor
What did you possibly expect under this condition so
Slow down.. this night's a perfect shade of
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue..
Just dark blue
This flood (this flood) is slowly rising up swallowing the ground
Beneath my feet, Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim (I'll swim) as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down
And now all I can see are the planets in a row
Suggesting it's best that I slow down
This night's a perfect shade of
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue
We were boxing
We were boxing the stars
We were boxing (we were boxing)
You were swinging for Mars
And then the water reached the West Coast
And took the power lines (the power lines)
And it was me and you (this could last forever)
And the whole town under water
There was nothing we could do
It was dark blue
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue
If you've ever been alone in the dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know (you'll know)
Then after thinking all of this through OF COURSE I come to the realization I just need to stop all contact with him. I made a decision and committed to it. I told him I couldn't wait around for him and I wouldn't. That after five years of both of us doing what we wanted but planning on ending up together that the whole thing was ridiculous and pointless, all that hurting of other people on the way. Three weeks later I met Andrew. And I chose Andrew. He was upset and quit talking to me for a while, but who's fault is that? We started talking again about six months ago or so, very casually, but I just don't think it's right. He has entered into(another) relationship, and since us he has never been present like he was with me until now. Which is healthy and necessary and I'm glad that we're both moving away from that idea we held so tightly for so long. I can say honestly though-that I definitely held it tighter than he did...until I didn't. I sent him a copy of the first 46 pages, so it's not like I would be walking away with anything unsaid. It is all there, and I am here, and this is the path my life has taken.
I love my husband. He is amazing. I will never be my mother. I made my choice, and it was a good one. Now I just need to finalize it all. I think that will be my secret one year anniversary gift to Andrew.
I have (I have) you breathing down my neck (breathing down my neck)
I don't (don't know) what you could possibly expect under this condition so
I'll wait (I'll wait) for the ambulance to come (ambulance to come)
Pick us up off the floor
What did you possibly expect under this condition so
Slow down.. this night's a perfect shade of
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue..
Just dark blue
This flood (this flood) is slowly rising up swallowing the ground
Beneath my feet, Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim (I'll swim) as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down
And now all I can see are the planets in a row
Suggesting it's best that I slow down
This night's a perfect shade of
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue
We were boxing
We were boxing the stars
We were boxing (we were boxing)
You were swinging for Mars
And then the water reached the West Coast
And took the power lines (the power lines)
And it was me and you (this could last forever)
And the whole town under water
There was nothing we could do
It was dark blue
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue
If you've ever been alone in the dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know (you'll know)
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Michael Copon Should be Jacob
I repeat: Michael Copon should now and forever be cast as the older/hotter Jacob Black.
I was at Julie's about a week or so ago and got to catch up on some braincandy reading about Twilight, and there was an article about casting someone new for the new and improved Jacob. There was this suuuuuuper hot guy as an option, and when I looked up close I recognized him. He was the model in the Pac Sun ad I used to have plastered to the other side of my binder in high school. The opposing side had pictures of my boyfriend, whom Andrew said looks EXACTLY like Mike C. (we're that close now, don't worry. He likes it when I call him Mike).
With that said-he is hot and I feel it's time for a good ol' fashioned Hollywood crush.
Found mine! Now they just need to hire him...
I was at Julie's about a week or so ago and got to catch up on some braincandy reading about Twilight, and there was an article about casting someone new for the new and improved Jacob. There was this suuuuuuper hot guy as an option, and when I looked up close I recognized him. He was the model in the Pac Sun ad I used to have plastered to the other side of my binder in high school. The opposing side had pictures of my boyfriend, whom Andrew said looks EXACTLY like Mike C. (we're that close now, don't worry. He likes it when I call him Mike).
With that said-he is hot and I feel it's time for a good ol' fashioned Hollywood crush.
Found mine! Now they just need to hire him...
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