Last night at roughly 1:39 I was struck with an overwhelming urge to take a spur of the moment trip to the beach. I begged, I pleaded, I even asked strangers for their advice...but alas-my company did not want to go.

There's this thing about marriage that is beautifully binding, and then the rest of it is binding in a pretty damn annoying way. I wanted to go to the beach with two of my guy friends, whom I trust, but that whole married thing got in the way. "It wouldn't be appropriate." Lame. Lamer-they were pretty spot on. Andrew was at home sick, and I was hanging out with our friends playing pool after Bible study, and he got a little worried I was gone. Which is cute. I get it. I know it was the right thing to do to stay home...but I REALLY wanted to go to the beach. I still do. But I can't go alone and all of my girlfriends are married, have kids, or work full-time....the only people who even have "free" time are my guy friends. So annoying.

Lame lame lamity lame. Agh. I'll survive I'm sure.

Persuasion

Women are stupid. We read silly novels and watch silly movies and get all silly about silly things. I have come to conclude that Jane Austen was one of the most amazing women in history, purely because she had the ability to create love stories so transcendent that while watching Persuasion I fell right back into the black abyss....silly silly silly me.

But Anne was right-women do hold onto things forever even if they are left without a chance. Jane was right to paint a man who never lets go of his hope-even eight and a half years later. Why did she do that?

I pray that for my daughters things will be easier. I pray that nothing gets messy in my future because I am a silly girl. I pray that eventually I quit being a silly girl and grow into a woman who can embrace her blessings.

I pray because without God none of those things will come true.

Do you ever just feel like a poo-head? Like a total idiot who is missing it all?

Lately instead of telling Andrew he's being an (expletive) I've been telling him he's being "poopy." It has been quite effective in not only making him smile and diffusing the situation instead of aggravating him, but he even stops to apologize.

I think that God just told me to stop being poopy.

I'm missing it all. I'm so thirsty and hungry and every other need word that ends in y for God, but I'm not stopping to feast. I'm not taking it in or appreciating His glory. I so so so looooooong for a girlfriend I can just sit and bask in the glory with. I say a girl because I need a heart that is tender like mine (yes, really, I have a tender heart. It's in there somewhere) and can whisper and giggle with me about His majesty. I want green grass and a blanket and two Bibles with some sunshine and lemonade. I want heaven on earth in the form of true community.

My heart is crying.

I know that God is telling me I'm being poopy, and I know I need to change, I just need a hand. I'm not angry for being held accountable, and I'm not upset that He is rebuking me, I'm smiling and wanting to just make it all better and say that I'm sorry.

I also really dislike mother's day.

GA-ROSS

I just did a health assessment for my Health class and I officially must hate my body because I'm treating it like crap. I had to write down what I ate for three days...because I have the memory of a fruit fly I did the last three days...we had a house guest, we went out with our new company, we hung out with friends...the excuses are endless.

I'm always thinking "tomorrow I won't be celebrating/visiting/taking a break/having a treat" and then I can actually eat healthy. Tomorrow keeps not coming.

Ga-ross. I won't go into details but it's bad.

Aside from that I am really really really enjoying my Human Development class and I wish I was taking more time to read the material. I hate math. A lot. Which would explain why I'm a week behind and still refuse to go to class...but I have to catch up this weekend because I have an exam on Tuesday...lame.

Very exciting (but of course no declaration...a year has yet to pass...) I have found a job that is EXACTLY what I want to do. Child Life Specialist. Google it. :)

Community

I've been really craving community lately. Travis does that to me. He comes around and I remember everything I loved about youth group, and everything that encouraged me to be so passionate about the Lord.

I'm a terrible sinner, we all know, but I would love to live in some commune with a bunch of other hippie-wannabe Christians and garden together and share life with them.

Especially because at this point we've moved in with Julia and Adam, and I quite enjoy it. It's messy, of course, because instead of living life with just Andrew and I it has become this interesting mix of a family of six...but as long as I'm not the mommy and don't have to do the cooking and cleaning I'll stick around ;) lol. But really I love them and couldn't ask for better people to share so much of my life with lately. Sometimes I feel like Adam is my older brother though, and he really wishes I would just shut up and go away. In love of course, more a noogie(?) on the head kind of annoyed though....either way-we're going with that.

But at the same time I don't want to just be with random other people. I can only stand spending so much time with them because I've known Julia forever. I am only inspired to the idea because I love Travis and all the silly memories we have. When we were discussing a couple of days ago the church I one time had a vision of that included Mike, Travis, Peter, and I on staff, it was a church run together by those that I love driven by a common vision and understanding of the people of the NW.

Which while there cannot be a finite resolution to all of these feelings and desires in one post, just like there cannot be resolution to a conflict spanning years in one night, I can just say that from all this I know one thing for certain: God has blessed my life with some of the most amazing people on the planet. I haven't met the whole planet but I tend to be right all the time so I'm right here. :)

I think that's all for now.

Like SERIOUSLY?!

So the camps that I will be volunteering at this summer are for foster children. For kids who have been beaten, raped, burned, violated, put-down to the point of worthlessness, and taught that nothing in the world could possibly be good or trusted.

So my friend Tarah got married last July at the courthouse because her husband is Austrailian and they needed to start the immigration process. THIS July, one year later, they are having their wedding.

Coming from someone who did the same thing, but in a much shorter time frame, no judgement. I will say that honestly I wish we had just run away to Jamaica and called it a day, but everyone must learn this lesson on their own.

How are these things relevant? Tarah's wedding is the day after I return from the first of my volunteer camps. So I will be here for the wedding, but evidently it's the most tragic f-ing thing that I will not be here for the bachelorette party (which I don't drink enough for her anymore anyway...I'm officically "no fun anymore"...so who gives a flying crap if I'm there anyway??!?!?) and I will be missing the rehearsal/dinner on Friday...but um...I've been in and to a few weddings-it really isn't that hard to walk down an aisle on count. Really. No lie. I'm not joking. She literally asked me if I could take the week off. She actually told me that she's "not like trying to be selfish, but" she "guesses she sorta is, and is there really NO WAY I can get it off??"

This was after I had already informed her the camp was for foster children.

I understand that the world does not see things through my eyes. I understand that my heart is called to love children that are often overlooked and misunderstood and so to expect her to jump on the bandwagon and be a counselor herself is a loooooong stretch. But to ask me to not go so I can be around for the events of her show wedding????

I had two bridesmaids who were sick last July during mine due to pregnancy, and had to leave early or miss a couple things...but...um....and no offense Julia...it didn't make one bit of difference. At all. Not to mention Ms. Tarah got so sloshed at my wedding she had to leave early with her parents because she could drive, and totally missed helping tear down at the end...which BOTH OF MY PREGGERS/SICK FRIENDS MANAGED TO DO EVEN WHILE BEING SICK.

This would not be so frustrating because let's face it-all brides are a little zilla at some point. No judgement. But let's move backwards to the point where she called and flipped out a few months ago.

"Oh my fucking gosh Heather, just GUESS what my sister is doing!?!?!?"
"Um...I have no idea Tarah, what?"
"That selfish bitch decided she just HAD to get married this year too!"
.........
".....well, I'm a little unclear as to why this is a problem."
"She just HAD to upstage me! She's ALWAYS doing this!"
.....
"Tarah..YOU were always the hot older sister...YOU were the skinny popular cheerleader...she's always been the overweight younger sister that even now is not attractive...I'm pretty sure her getting married this YEAR has absolutely nothing to do with you. I'd calm down a bit..when is her wedding?"
"November."
"Okay, well, that is four entire months after yours. I'm pretty sure you can share."
"Yeah, well...whatever, she's just being totally fucking selfish."

*apologies-Tarah is not only one of the most self-absorbed people on the planet she also cusses like a sailor. Honestly, Andrew has really reached his limit. He cannot stand to spend time with her anymore.

I digress.

But maybe I'm being the selfish and irrational one. Maybe I should just respect that her wedding is a once in a lifetime thing...(which it won't be-she's never been in a relationship with someone she didn't cheat on. Please keep in mind I've known her since 8th grade...I have a feeling she'll do my mother proud when all is said and done...)

Or maybe it's just late and I'm pissed she sent me a facebook message asking me to not go to camp with these kids.