My blogging has become so sporadic over the past while. I'm not really sure how to measure time anymore as I don't seem to be encapsulated it, I just float, so I'll just say this past while.

There were birthdays this weekend. A first and a 50th. There was a tragedy exposed this weekend. I haven't let it hit me as I'm using logos to carry me through. Instead of crying, or letting her cry, I told her that her (stupid) physician advising her she has something incurable and incapacitating to the point that she may die quickly and soon-isn't enough. She needs a second opinion. I didn't hold her daughter either, my very best friend, because I knew that if I did we would both crumble-and after all, nobody wants to watch their daughter(s) crumble on their 50th birthday. And she wants to experience it privately, so I cannot run around asking for someone to hold my head above water. Which would feel selfish anyway, because it is not my personal tragedy. I refuse to wear it yet, to hold it close to my skin. Right now it feels so much more secure in my planner for "when I have time," because right now I don't and tomorrow I have an exam followed by work followed by homework followed by lab followed by another two exams and a trip to Texas to be in the beginning of a marriage for another very close friend.

They're just in shock though, you know? The shock that comes with medical discovery, of listing off exactly what you read on WebMD (because your doctor is a flaming idiot, and told you you have something that he just has a "hunch" you have....asswipe...if anyone feels like bombing something this week-I have a medical office in mind) and telling word for word what your (stupid) physician told you. I want to hold them and comfort them like she always did when I was sick. I want to put on my pajamas and go over and watch Pride and Prejudice. I want to stew in it with them. I want to live her experience with her. I want to suck every moment of memories with her out while I can. I want to believe that the (stupid) doctor is wrong, even though I know his "hunch" has a 99.9% chance of being right, and that his instinct is a gift. I want this to happen to someone who deserves it.

But who deserves it?

I cannot even hold conversations with people now. My dear husband understands me, knows when to just turn the music down and shut his mouth. He has learned so much about me thus far in our marriage, and becomes more caring everyday because of it. He holds me when I need it, he talks dirty to me when I want it, and he connects with me when it is time.

But she is one of my people. I loved her far before I even liked him, and she has been so close to everything to me. It was her and Julia that I would call every single day while driving home from work when I lived in Texas. I was actually on the phone with her (both times) when I got pulled over, and forgave the very loud "FUCK!!!" I said into the phone. She understands my harsh love, and forgives my sharp edges. She is she is she is she is....and then someday she just won't be.

I was just telling Andrew the other day that statistics show that before the age of 30, you will lose someone very close to you. At least one, maybe just one, maybe less.

Yesterday he told me that because my mind works so fast, because I'm learning more and more, that my fear is only going to grow exponentially over the years. I know he is right.

There are only a few people in this whole world, in my whole life, that it would break me in half to lose. She is one of the top four. She is irreplaceable. She is she is she is she is she is she is she is.

Sadly(thankfully) this is all I have time for right now.