For 45 minutes they say "don't move. at all." So you don't. You try to focus on the grey strip, the white of the tube, but if you do that for too long you realize that you're inside of a very small space and that nobody can hear you scream. Instead you close your eyes and realize that this sounds, through the ear plugs, through the headphones playing a radio station you picked and instantly regretted, extremely similar to the test from the audiology and vestibular lab. The one where they stick this little goopy wad of cotton-like substance into your ear, then plug a wire into it, and then it clickclickclickclick-s for about fifteen minutes a cycle.
Similar, but different. Before they were just testing your hearing, your sense of balance, the pressure inside of your ear. Today, they're looking for a tumor.
The hearing tests come back making statements like "Heather is crazy. Her hearing is fine. Ignore her frustration and situation because it is all in her head." Fortunately, my doctor told that damn test to shut up and wrote me a prescription for a tumor shrinking medicine, but told me not to take it until he called me after the MRI. The MRI including a dye used specifically for finding acoustic neuromas.
So now I just wait. I called this morning as he had said I could call the day after the test, but apparently he doesn't get in until this afternoon. More waiting. The tumors are almost always benign, and are treatable. Each treatment carries risks, as does all surgery or radiation, but at least we would finally know. Meniere's never felt right. Maybe it is, but this would make far more sense.
Onto other news: Grow the hell up. If you're going to talk about how I am stunted and going nowhere, quit acting like a fucking child yourself. You're upset because people have opinions? Join the Amish community. You like being surrounded by people who are going to lie to your face and tell you just what you want to hear? Continue to shut out all the people who have held your hand through the tough shit. Who know what a facade you put on all the time and don't care. Quit calling, quit caring, and by ALL MEANS-PLEASE talk about them behind their backs. Make bold statements that you know nothing about, since you've been so damn successful yourself, and then get upset if they ever confront you. Tell all of the people that are still a part of your life(your relatives. you have managed to run off the few friends you had) what a victim you are. How it's so sad that nobody supports you anymore, nobody wants to spend time with you. Guess we should all eat worms. I am so. beyond. angry. at you right now. I am so.beyond.frustrated. that you of all people could help me right now. that I was there.every.day for a very long time and tried to help you the best that I could with the resources I had, and your statements compared me to someone who is a moocher to the core and has never done anything of substance. Fuck you. Truly. You were there when I worked for an international company at the age of 20. You were there when I made more money than your husband was when he was working two jobs. You were there when I finally had the option to go back to school. However, you have not been a part of my success in school because I simply did not have enough of the "right" kind of attention for you because I have been SO DAMN BUSY MAKING SOMETHING OF MY SHITTY LIFE THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN TOO CONCERNED WITH CONGRATULATING YOUR MOST RECENT PREGNANCY. I'M SORRY THAT YOU NEEDED IT SO BADLY. I'M ALSO SORRY THAT EVEN YOU ARE BEGINNING TO RECOGNIZE THAT YOU'RE NOT MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES ABOUT THINGS, BUT STILL FEEL THE NEED TO PROVE IT TO THE REST OF US THAT YOU ARE. Be angry at me. Never talk to me again. What-the-fuck-ever. I'm so over it that it hurts girl. Honest.
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