It all becomes so muddled when your brain is befuddled by medical accomplishments that really just stretch your tenants and all you want to do is sleep all day and play all night and laugh in the face of those with their false might but instead you take the recommendations and swallow them with commendation and quantify the results with false joy and snide insults while praying that it all ends well you begin to notice your loss of smell but at least you can hear the mower of the man on the property lower through the two inch crack in your window that a week ago you wouldn't know-was there.

No tumor. Started prednisone two days ago. My brain is foggy but my hearing is clear-this is a good sign. Vacation was amazing. My predictions for the actions of the friendship lost and her subsequent choices were not only confirmed but far exceeded. I know she is hurting. I know there is loss. I understand it is hard for all parties involved. I just really had come to a point where I realized that it was a relationship in which her pain so eclipsed that of the people she called "friends" that she was no longer actually in relationship with me. She said she didn't want me to be her therapist. Yet all she wanted me to do was listen and listen and listen and if my opinion conflicted with hers to keep it to myself....kind of like a therapist would do. A friend of mine recently started seeing a therapist that I recommended to them, and one day said therapist asked me how I was doing while supporting my friend through her experience. I said that it is hard to know the "correct" thing to say, the healthy psychological thing to say, when all I want to do is tell my friend that the person causing her so much pain is an asshole and toxic and not to take their shit anymore.

He said to me "that is the luxury you have as a friend-you get to say how and what and why you feel. As their therapist, I can only give the "correct" answer." So I ended something that no longer was a friendship. When I stopped being the therapist she supposedly didn't want, I was then too much for her. If someone wants my professional advice, actions, and opinions-they can pay me. The rest of my friends know who I am and respect that. I am comfortable with all of this, regardless of the fact that I know the woman I hurt is sensitive, regardless of the fact that even though I am hurt and angry I am sorry that I am hurting her so deeply. Above all, I am sad that it is irreparable. Especially after a comment about how I am "treating her like I treat my mother." Some people have big cohones, some people are ignorant uneducated assholes. I for the most part choose not to associate with the latter.

Also, a side effect of the new medication is euphoria. I laughed through a three minute voicemail on Melika's phone yesterday and only realized after hanging up that it was 100% due to the medication. This is still funny to me.