I cannot seem to force myself to do homework this term...which I have a feeling is going to start feeling and looking pretty damn terrible soon. I'm just so tired, and melancholy, and whiny, and tired...I just want to crawl into bed and not have to do ANYTHING the next day...but alas-my schedule is chock-full booked until the end of time. I find that so confining.
It makes me want to be a hippie and run away to Burning Man...which I think I'm going to do anyway....
The problem is, I married a man who is everything I was a moment ago. He's conservative, and structured, and sees things in varying shades of black and white. So he doesn't want to go, and in reality, I SHOULDN'T want to go...but what if I do?
The blessing is, I married the most amazing and caring husband. He has started writing little poems on our whiteboard wall every other morning...I have no idea where he is getting them from, but my goodness if it's not enough to melt a girl down to her core. I adore him. I'm changing a million miles a minute right now, and while he's getting wind-whipped he's holding on for dear life and trying to enjoy the ride.
Don't you just HATE IT when grown-ups are right about things like waiting to get married until you're older? I still stand firm in the fact that I married the right man, but my goodness wouldn't it all be easier if I had already dug through all of this, realized I was right in the first place, and settled in nicely cementing my conservative/black and white/churchy roots?
Instead I want to be a lesbian painter who sleeps with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz simultaneously a la "Vicky Christian Barcelona." I am reading "Henry and June" and watching the L Word all the time, knowing that it's only exciting because it is forbidden. Sometimes though I want to roll in that grass.
Instead, I read my Bible more and pray with my husband, go to Wax On to get him gifts he'll appreciate and that keep on giving, and try again to force myself to do homework.
I'm tired.
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2 comments:
1. I think I'm post poning until the summer. Sad, but, then again, I'm sure I'll want an escape from the million degree weather of Texas by then.
2. Two Guys and a Girl is pure brilliance. Too bad I can't find it on dvd anywhere.
3. Isn't it hard to be so...utterly early-mid 20s. I keep thinking, surely, eventually, life sort of evens out. Everything isn't so all at once. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm still holding out and trying not to get too swept away in the fantasy of...everything. I wish I had it sorted out too. I'm always half ready to run away to a new place. It's much easier than learning the lesson in the last place.
Well, hope all is well with you. I do think of you fairly often for being just internet friends. And I hope you know I do earnestly wish you well. These times are strange, if nothing else.
Loves,
Whitney
Sweet Heather,
Your comment was a sort of the little comfort I needed today. It's probably the weird dreams I've been having that have been robbing me of sleep, but this is a hard week. You know, I find it rare it friendships that people show up with any consistency when it really counts. I know I am responsible too, but I really did try.
And so, thank you, because in your own little way, you showed up today. And I know it's just a little because it's over the internet. But, still, it was a needed comfort.
I look forward to the day we sip tea, read books, drink wine, share secrets.
Loves.
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