Capri

I had the most realistic dream the other day. Julia and Andrew are the only two people I've told about it up until now, but I wanted to write it down before I forgot.

In the dream I was pregnant with a girl, my girl, my little Capri. We were so excited because it was ours and such a blessing, and planned a home birth. When the time came there was a lot of walking around the house (stark naked...lol...I watched the Ricki Lake expose on home birth, pretty sure that the setting/wardrobe for my dream came directly from the film) and sweating, and nervousness.

The entire pregnancy I was excited, and when I went into labor I was just relieved to get her out and hold her. When the moment came to push, with my midwife standing to my right, and my husband behind me for support and holding my other hand, I got so scared. She was coming, forever, my life would be irrevocably changed and no going back. I began to cry because I was so intensly afraid of all the change that was about to happen, but after pushing for a while-while standing (I'm telling you...watch the video, I WAS the hot black mama from New York..swear it) my midwife told me to reach down and I could hold her as she was coming out. So I did. I felt her head and I pushed two more times so excited and scared and ready and crying until I hear her crying and everything changed.

The only thing I could think about was making her okay, to get her to stop crying. All I could ask through my tears was what was wrong, and is she okay, and why is she crying, omigosh she's beautiful...all of it...and Andrew was crying behind me and the midwife told me everything was fine and toweled her off and sat me down so we could all get cleaned up and rest....and I just held her. And later I fed her, and she was perfect. My little baby, my little miracle, my little Capri.

When I woke up I realized why people choose to have their own children. I'm still so afraid though, so afraid because Andrew and I both have only ever had dreams of our baby being a girl. Of a little baby girl with blue eyes and blonde hair, and I'm so afraid that if we ever do get pregnant and find out it's a boy, that I will be so let down. That I'll be so sad....and I don't want to be sad because we didn't get the baby my heart always felt was coming...you know?

The dream was so real. If I hadn't witnessed Connor's birth, and watched the video, and seen Julie with Maggie I wouldn't have been able to experience the entire thing so intensly. I am very naturally empathetic. But not in a "I could see how that would be for you" but in a "I can feel it to the core of my bones how that would be" way. I used to cry onstage when doing theatre because I could feel it. When I look at pictures of the girls being raped in other countries, in the U.S. at the age of 3, 7, 13..I get so upset because I want to kill the men that did it. It has a lot to do with my "passion"...lol...the polite way that people refer to my overbearing and loud temperament...I want to fight for those who've been trampled on because I can feel the feet upon my face and arms and spirit crushing me the way they are being muffled.

It was an intense dream though. I know that I will adopt, but I know that Capri will be mine and Andrew's biologically...I guess I just wanted to say that so that people know when I'm talking tough and screaming about the injustice and all of the selfish people looking the other way and having their own-that I'll be having my own and there is no judgement. I'm just loud.