Brokenness

I've been an emotional mess for the past two days.

It all started with the Great Baby Debacle 09' on Saturday. Andrew and I found out it is just us that have been excluded from holding or touching the baby. Literally, just us. I was sitting on the couch when they walked in Saturday and Allie and Jon both stood next to me with the baby and neither offered. Since we were still under the "nobody can touch him for 3-6 weeks" assumption, of course I didn't ask. After we left Nathan told me that in the kitchen Allie offered the baby to him to hold...while I was literally just sitting on the couch and he HATES holding babies, but I have like a million friends who also have (semi) newborns...

Then we went to Auntie Bev's house and not only has she been holding the baby, but she was also invited to the hospital (from which we were banned). Yesterday when we got to Andrew's parents house they walked out the door right as we were walking in, impeccable timing eh?, so another missed chance. Last night at Thatcher's RANDOM PERSON/Andrew's friend saw them at church yesterday and...yes...touched and snuggled their child.

On top of that I had to surrender the Bible study to the boys last night because there is one guy in it that is uncomfortable with me, and I would rather that they can all go together than avoid it because of me. He's also super close with all of the boys, so last night I was very obviously excluded and laughed at a couple of times....

It was just a totally crappy weekend, and I bawled like a hysterical baby last night for a good ten minutes. I didn't even want to be with Andrew. So while I'm letting it all out in the car he came out with Hurley and told me if he couldn't be with me at least I could snuggle the cat...very sweet-I know. lol.

Next week our church is fasting for the city of Portland, for our community, for our church, and for our spiritual needs. I've been feeling something big coming lately, but I cannot see it yet. Generally when God breaks me in two like He did last night, something is coming. So I am excited for the timing He has divinely provided, and I will be on my knees seeking his face.

While crying last night I realized that more of my pain came from being so far from God, losing sight of His open arms. That if I had been in His embrace I wouldn't have gotten to that point, I would have been obediently being quiet at the right moments....

I have applied to go to India this fall. For all of the information on the program please check out www.thehomefoundation.net I've been feeling God pulling me there for a little over a year now, with the issue being presented to me two years ago at an Imago Dei informational meeting. I pray not that I get accepted, but that God's will is done. If you could join me in prayer that would be awesome!

I suppose I just need prayer period lately. For some reason I've just been feeling so broken and alone...which is such an odd thing to feel when you're married. I never thought I'd get back to here.