Sunshine and Rainbows

Life is good. My face is clearing up (hallelujah!), the sun is shining, I drop my passport name change form off today for BELIZE IN THREE MONTHS!!!!, I'm having girl time with Angela (more in a moment), followed by class and possibly a meet up after at Last Thursday. Classes are pretty good. Philosophy of Religion is quite a lot for my brain to absorb, and my ASL 201 teacher is a different person than I had for the last three classes and he signs FAST. Like whoah. Taking my second Poli. Sci. class (Nicko shout-out) which has been extremely beneficial thus far in helping understand what avenues would be necessary to massage to get anything done...and there are none. ;)

I still feel daily the loss of my mother even though she's only a text or phone call away. I sent her a novel of an email almost two months ago explaining the depth of my feelings and why it isn't as easy to just "forgive and forget" as she thinks. She still hasn't found the time to respond.

Bible study/Home Community has been AMAZING!!!! We have finally found some couples with no babies/kids(no offense to you mothers, but we all know that it is increasingly difficult for us to hang out because unless your children are old enough to entertain themselves for a couple of hours-I have nothing to entertain them with other than my husband...lol), who LOVE to camp and hike and kayak and raft and float the river and be outdoorsy....which we haven't really gotten to do the past year and a half because while we love each other it is far more fun with other people and we didn't know any other people who liked to do those things. There are two couples in particular that we're drawn to, and one of them is Alex and Angela.

So now I'm going to talk about Angela. She's just kind of amazing...at first glance she's a lot like me-gets along better with the boys, seems pretty chill(I say seems because hello-very rarely am I ever that), very opinionated, etc. But the nice thing about her is-we're very different. She was home schooled and feels that stunted her social and emotional growth so she's actually extremely shy, and that's why she doesn't talk to girls much because it takes more involvement/intimacy. (Julie-not taking a stab at you, she authentically feels this way) The whole time I thought I was the one being awkward because I have such a hard time in group social settings where I don't really know the people, and I have such an intense fear of rejection that I tend to stick to people I know...but it was both of us. So we laughed about both of our fears and then told each other our life stories over coffee and today we're going on a walk at Mt. Tabor! She's pretty, Biblically wise, attends church/is a part of an active community-which as my friends get busier and older it gets harder for them to do/actively pursue, she's fun and a good influence on me, and she's vulnerable and open. There's a million more things-like the fact that her husband Alex and Andrew get along like beans and rice, but I'm mostly just amazed and God's unfailing love when I spend time with her.

I have been praying so hard lately for a friend I can just spend time with. I'm really not meaning to offend the mamas, really, but all of my local married friends-literally-have babies or children. It is so hard to have girl time with them because of this. I understand that someday I too will have children and will understand the fact that you learn to work around it-but I'm not there right now. I'm not and barring God's plan being drastically different than what I feel He's been telling me-I won't be any time soon. I just want someone who can whenever we feel like planning it-make a coffee date in the middle of the afternoon. Or grab her husband and go to the river with Andrew and I. On that note-someone who's husband and mine actually have more than two things in common so they can do things to entertain each other while we're hanging out. Who can sit with me and read the Bible, because I so desperately need more actively engaged believing friends, or watch a stupid movie and laugh. I need a friend who needs me as well. So we'll see what happens and where it goes-but I'm kind of girl crushing on the possibility of this awesome friendship.

My meniere's sucks, but such is life. Right now I am dizzy, and I feel like my hands are about a mile from my face, so typing is slightly difficult...lol. It's kind of like being high sometimes. But not in a fun way ;) My left ear is so spotty as far as noise reception that I sometimes appear to be ignoring people to my left-I simply cannot tell that the noise they're making is directed at me. Andrew is really hopeful because there are new types of hearing aids, so that could be cool. I think he just doesn't want to learn sign with me ;)

Whitney-come visit me mkay? We'll read books in the grass and drink tea in the evening.

I am a procrastinator to the core....agh....I LOVE putting things off, but hate the exhaustion that follows...I have about five million things I need to get done today, which sucks because it is my last day before summer term starts and the sun is shining.

I'm going to move fast ;)

It's Official

I have meniere's. I cried about it a while ago, and now it's just like this really crappy waiting game:

-will it get worse?

-is this it?

-will I fall into the category who start out unilateral and move to bilateral hearing loss?

-will I need hearing aids, or worse?

I wouldn't be so dramatic aside from the fact that the average age to "get" Meniere's is between 30-50.

Positives:

-we know what's wrong with me (at last. I want to go back to those two witches who treated me like an obese cow-sighting my weight as the "real problem.")

-we can figure out what to do

-we know what to expect, sort of

-I am now on a medication. Water pill, supposed to maintain healthy fluid levels, all it's doing is making me nauseous. Gross. Mark that as a positive/negative, thus far.

-We're going to really push the landlord to let us get a dog now. I have a "medical" reason for one. I've been finding that I am increasingly afraid to be alone at the house overnight, or even alone at the house after dark because I'm not hearing the little things. Like if there were someone outside I'm not hearing the little noises. I also for the life of me cannot hear the kitchen timer in the other room, or in most cases-someone knocking. So if you come over-ring the doorbell. Anywho, I want a dog. A guard dog. And a gun....but a dog first. Training a dog takes more time than purchasing a gun.

-I'm not crazy.

-I was right in my self diagnosis-I love it when I'm right :)

Aside from all of that we're just settling into it. Andrew refused to accept it until the doctor said so(smart man) because of what this could actually mean for us. I have started to realize that I've had tinnitis for a while, I just don't notice it anymore, until I think about it. I had thought for quite a long time that silence had a sound....just a realllly high pitched single tone sound....Andrew told me I'm wrong. So I can hear it whenever I think to notice it now, and now I find it really annoying....lol. Which means I just don't think about it often. And I'm moving on...

School re-starts in 1.5 weeks, and I'm not excited. I need the credits, but I'm not excited. I'm trying to find a good balance between resting and getting ready for the term, and seeing friends. We'll see how that goes.

Progress

So I went to take three and a half hours of testing on Thursday, and afterwards the audiologist said that I still need to go back and get a proper diagnosis from my doctor, but that he'll most definitely put me on a low-sodium diet. That I have fluid retention in my ear and that I'll probably also be put on a diuretic. Finally there is an actual answer/reason for my hearing loss, dizziness, nausea(which after seeing the doctors I now know is actual vertigo...lol), fogginess, and confusion in public.

*Julie-one of the questions I actually had to answer on the pre-appointment survey was: Do you feel dizzy in malls/grocery stores? I was SO EXCITED because now I know that when I fell down the stairs at the mall that one time it wasn't because I'm retardedly clumsy-I've got a disease...lol.

When I got home I started searching low-sodium diets, and came upon the only disease that has all of my symptoms with a low-sodium diet order: Meniere's Disease. I still need to have the MRI before it is definitive, but my doctor had told me the first day that he was almost positive I was going to need one anyway...so I go in to see him sometime this week or next, and move forward.

It's really no big deal, it can be managed. And I'm already learning sign language ;) Andrew always tells me I'm a fatalist when I say that, but he recognizes it's a big enough deal that he's going to start taking ASL again in the Fall....lol.

I do find comfort in the fact that I'm not a total bitch. Here's why: When I get overwhelmed in social situations, can't socially function in loud environments, get extremely fatigued quickly when I'm around others-it's not because I'm a terrible person-my body is freaking out. If I talk to you anytime soon and you ask me about it, I'll explain the science behind it, but that would take forever to type and I already look like my great aunt Jeannie with the medical rundown here so....

I wikied Meniere's for you in case you were curious: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ménière's_disease

Loves.

I am so very nervous. Today I send out my application for the Child and Family Studies/Social Work program.

While I know that I am an ideal candidate, I am still wary of my essay capabilities, scared that I screwed up on the actual application part. Afraid that even though my references said they had so much more to say and could add an additional letter to the "rec form," that I told them not to worry about it because the program contact sounded so casual.

I'm also nervous because if I get it-it is all actually happening. Like I'll actually finally be a Junior this fall, and starting my double major. There can be talking until the sun falls out of the sky, but it is scary when you have to start putting your money where your mouth is. I also hate waiting. I wish it were as simple as receiving my application, reading it, and then sending me an email saying "you're in!!!!" Instead I'll have to wait for a while. A long while.

Also looked at the information for Americorps. Once again though I am met with the thought that if I am going to do something like that, an underappreciated job with little resources, I might as well just get paid fully. I'll have the degrees to do so when this undergraduate is done....

ALSO-one of the women in my home community works for the Child and Family Services division for the state...or something like that....and she told me that as soon as I want an internship with the state, she'll have one waiting! Which is kind of baller if you ask me.

Anyway, I need to do my statistics homework and go to the post office to mail that packet and water the plant and clean the house and get ready for HC tonight. So I should get started.

Something Old, but still something New

I sometimes just want to start a new blog, one that is solely and completely about the few things I'm passionate about:

In no particular order

-adoption(everywhere)

-love

-gay rights

-tattoos...oh how funny that I even list this

-feminism

-Portland, OR(as if the above did not make that boldly apparent)

-Jesus

-holding the hurting

I found my life verse last night-yes-I used that ever so catchy Christian phrase "life verse" as if though I will connect deeply with only one verse in my lifetime and use it as the cornerstone for all actions...which I would mock incessantly if I had not come across this last night....I was reading Proverbs 31 and pondering the impossibility of such a woman, and if she did exist you would not want to know her-why? Because she doesn't have time to love anyone. She cannot build relationships with people because she's running all over the place establishing her business and making clothes for her family. She is impossible. I also appreciated the fact that she somehow managed to simultaneously maintain this successful financial venture while waking up at the wee hours of the morning to tend to her family....and they praise her, oh boy do they ever, cause if I were her-I'd expect a freaking national holiday. You also have to imagine you are one of this woman's children, or even worse-her husband. How often would she forget to pick you up after school because she was doing, oh I don't know, a million billion other things. How often would the two of you get a moment together to focus on your marriage?...I know a few women who are like this, and I promise you-sometimes I think God would prefer for them to rest a moment and just breathe. Breathe love on everyone around them instead of running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to prove to the world she's so Godly.

I digress-I was pondering the sheer insanity of the fact that millions of God loving women in this world aspire to this very burnt out woman's status when I came across the verse right before it:

Proverbs 31:8-9

NET

"Open your mouth on behalf of the those unable to speak, for the legal rights of all the dying. Open your mouth, judge in righteousness, and plead the cause of the poor and needy."

KJV

"Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction. Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy."

NKJV

"Open your mouth for the speechless, in the cause of all who are appointed to die. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy."

NIV

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."

NLT

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those who are perishing. Yes, speak up for the poor and the helpless, and see that they get justice."

Andrew was being such an awesome lover husband when I walked in the door last night after class, cooking dinner, and he set down the spatula in his hand when I read that verse and said "that's totally you."

So at least I'm not just a loud mouthed bitch who is running around with no aim, trying to speak for those who have no homes, no family, nobody to love, no rights, no hope. I find comfort in that. Even though I make 100% of the people I speak to about any of the things God has placed on my heart uncomfortable, regardless of how politically correct I am when I say them, I know that there is no shame in my game.

Slam Dunk. Also-I'm sure there will only be about 700,000 people who will be offended by this. I apologize ahead of time.

Today while sitting in statistics class and learning about the possibility of genetically passing on a disease to children, I realized something very large and monumentally impact full in my life:

I have been feeling those tugs lately. Not uterus tugs like most women, where a baby is imminent in the future, but just motherhood tugs. We are going to start hosting our home community in a week, and so have begun cleaning the house and getting rid of things, making room for the change. I FINALLY cleaned the spare room/closet room and now it resembles something other than a tornado struck pit of despair. When I look into that room with the blinds open, the floor gleaming, and the bed and table set up-I see a bedroom for my future child. As camp approaches(and if I have your address I will be sending you a letter asking for support....money....help....lol. No worries if you can't.) we have been going to training. Yet again Andrew is not sure if he'll be able to go, but like last year I keep reminding him that God is bigger than we are, and if He wants Andrew at camp, Andrew will be at camp. So he has been going to training with me. Listening to the facts all over again, being reminded of the depravity surrounding these children all over again, makes me want to quit my life plan and adopt 100 of them.

My wonderfully wise husband however frequently reminds me to be patient. So I try. But in class this morning as I could feel God working in my heart, on my heart, preparing me for what is to come He told me this earth shaking truth-if we are going to adopt an older child in a few years, our child, our baby, our family-has already been born. Is living right now in a world and a situation that is painful, scary, damaging, and lonely. I realized that I need to start now praying for them. Praying protection over them, praying for strength for them, praying that when the time comes for them to come home with us that they will have a heart open to being loved.

So I'm asking you to pray for them as well, my little fragile child. I know with conviction that they are already out there, experiencing the hardships that will bring them to me. Which I know sounds terrible, and if there were a way to avoid the hard part I would-but I can only do good with what satan will destroy, and I can only shed light where there has been darkness as God's hands...I know that there is something far larger than I will ever begin to comprehend happening in this, and so I just pray and wait until the moment when I know. So please please pray with me, just as I hope that someone was praying for me when I was alone.

Aside from that everything else is small potatoes...so couch hunting, HC moving to our house, and Cirque de Soleil this week are all happening, but nothing is as significant as this revelation.

Loves.