Yesterday I ended up crying under the bed.

I'm not kidding. I literally crawled under the bed and bawled like a baby. I have not been in my "crisis" zone in a long time and yesterday while talking to Margo, she took me there. There are three stages to challenge in therapy. "Comfort" "Challenge" and "Crisis."

Yesterday, after already crying while talking to her on the phone, while telling Margo the story she said she understood but she saw both sides. I asked her what she meant and she began talking about how I'm so aggressive, intimidating, etc. that in being upset that they cannot resolve this whole baby issue is me being irrational. I yelled at her and told her I'm NOT being irrational, and NOBODY-including Andrew's family-thinks that what they're doing is excusable. She told me that I'm looking for a specific reaction, and that expecting them to do what I think is right (stop using their baby as a pawn in their pettiness) is irrational because Allie needs to discuss her feelings and such......my head literally felt like it was going to explode.

On top of everything else, which as time passes I have been asking myself if it really is a big deal, my mother-in-law yesterday had a mammogram and they found a tumor. It's benign, so the concern with this one is gone, but now that her body has started the mutations I'm extremely worried. Cancer is almost a guarantee in Andrew's family, and his Aunt (my MIL's sister) has had it five times. She's had a hysterectomy, a double mastectomy after battling breast cancer twice, and skin cancer. I am not making this up, she is a walking miracle.

So Leann's tumor is not only scary, but ominous. Andrew and his younger brother Nathan and their dad handled it well, along with Leann, but it just sucks. Andrew's Great Aunt Mira fell two days ago after a stroke, and her head bled for roughly 20 minutes until 911 got there...she was unconscious when they found her and has been since, they're saying that she will die sometime this week. These two things are very difficult for Andrew, but he's been wearing the brave face for me because I'm broken. I know I need to pull it together, accept that this whole-my in laws will never be the family I don't have, and some people never have mothers who will fight for them-thing and move on.

It just hurts. And it's hard. I wish that someone in the family would just put them in their place and tell them to grow the hell up. That ANYONE would stand up and defend me because this is just ridiculous. I keep waiting for a parent figure in my life to fight for me, to not abandon me when I am hurting.

While laying under the bed yesterday after locking the door Andrew knocked only once. He knows that sometimes I just need time. Margo on the other hand took about two minutes before she realized that maybe I just needed arms to hold me and ears to listen, instead of a rebuke on behalf of poor Allie. She knocked at least five times, but each time I just got more hurt, more angry. I know that I'm abrasive, I know that I'm awkward, I understand that I'm hard to be around. I've been changing as much as I can as quickly as I can without getting lost. I try to listen more and give my opinion less. I have tried to avoid saying the elephant in the room statements. I know that I'm still hard to love but damnit if I don't just need it sometimes! I have a husband, I know, but I just need a mother. Or a nurterer that isn't my sexual partner, I need someone to love me unconditionally and pick me up off the floor. I need friends who can acknowledge my growth without constantly thinking I'm still the same person I was five years ago, eight years ago...

I'm just tired. And hurting. And pissed that I've let my stupid in-laws get to me so much. It was just my last chance for a family, you know? And my stupid selfish hasherownparents sister-in-law thought she'd take it away for fun.

I sometimes just want to say fuck them. No lie. And yesterday Margo even pulled out her trick card: How can you call yourself a woman of Christ and write Allie off?

Answer: I'm not being a bad Christian by choosing to just not subject myself to anymore. I don't have to surround myself with people who are going to make me feel like crap. I'm not a bad Christian because I don't feel like trying with them anymore. It's like with my mom, I could continue to give her the opportunity to tear me down and break me, or I can recognize she's toxic, and I can't be around her.

I was so so so so so so hurt when she pulled the Christian card on me. After I had washed up and come down she hugged me and told me that God told her that she shouldn't have said those things, that I've already been abandoned by enough people in my life, and that she's not abandoning me. After that wasn't enough and I just kind of treated her cordially she told me she didn't want to have one of those situations where things are awkward after a confrontation. I just smiled at her.

I miss my friends. I miss the days when I could call Nicko and he would answer. I miss when my friends didn't all have kids and we could get together and whisper all night about anything. I miss Melissa and everything she was to me when we were younger. I wish that Andrew and his endless attempts to make me happy were enough.

I feel like crap.

Brokenness

I've been an emotional mess for the past two days.

It all started with the Great Baby Debacle 09' on Saturday. Andrew and I found out it is just us that have been excluded from holding or touching the baby. Literally, just us. I was sitting on the couch when they walked in Saturday and Allie and Jon both stood next to me with the baby and neither offered. Since we were still under the "nobody can touch him for 3-6 weeks" assumption, of course I didn't ask. After we left Nathan told me that in the kitchen Allie offered the baby to him to hold...while I was literally just sitting on the couch and he HATES holding babies, but I have like a million friends who also have (semi) newborns...

Then we went to Auntie Bev's house and not only has she been holding the baby, but she was also invited to the hospital (from which we were banned). Yesterday when we got to Andrew's parents house they walked out the door right as we were walking in, impeccable timing eh?, so another missed chance. Last night at Thatcher's RANDOM PERSON/Andrew's friend saw them at church yesterday and...yes...touched and snuggled their child.

On top of that I had to surrender the Bible study to the boys last night because there is one guy in it that is uncomfortable with me, and I would rather that they can all go together than avoid it because of me. He's also super close with all of the boys, so last night I was very obviously excluded and laughed at a couple of times....

It was just a totally crappy weekend, and I bawled like a hysterical baby last night for a good ten minutes. I didn't even want to be with Andrew. So while I'm letting it all out in the car he came out with Hurley and told me if he couldn't be with me at least I could snuggle the cat...very sweet-I know. lol.

Next week our church is fasting for the city of Portland, for our community, for our church, and for our spiritual needs. I've been feeling something big coming lately, but I cannot see it yet. Generally when God breaks me in two like He did last night, something is coming. So I am excited for the timing He has divinely provided, and I will be on my knees seeking his face.

While crying last night I realized that more of my pain came from being so far from God, losing sight of His open arms. That if I had been in His embrace I wouldn't have gotten to that point, I would have been obediently being quiet at the right moments....

I have applied to go to India this fall. For all of the information on the program please check out www.thehomefoundation.net I've been feeling God pulling me there for a little over a year now, with the issue being presented to me two years ago at an Imago Dei informational meeting. I pray not that I get accepted, but that God's will is done. If you could join me in prayer that would be awesome!

I suppose I just need prayer period lately. For some reason I've just been feeling so broken and alone...which is such an odd thing to feel when you're married. I never thought I'd get back to here.

So many things

So much has been happening but at the same time I haven't felt anything worth updating...Allie had her baby: Jonathan Malakai Rowlett, but they want everyone to call him "Kai." I finally got to see him today-one week after he was born, and in 3-6 weeks I get to hold him.....no, he was not a NICU baby, and yes he's totally fine. They're just crazy. I'm too tired right now to rant about this, but I'm sure it kind of goes without saying.

I got a job at Best Buy part-time. It's great for my schedule and money is money. The camp on the mountain has been amazing. We're both really sad that it is ending so soon, but I've gained some awesome experience and am really grateful for the opportunity.

I got the Murena IUD put in on Thursday, so as of this coming Thursday when it becomes effective I will officially be kid free for five years. Which is so freeing. I mean so so so so so so so so so so so so freeing.

I've cut meat and alcohol out of my diet, and I'm starting to actually like myself-which is awesome. I feel better and I know soon I'll start to look better...next step: sugar...oi.

Andrew's brother Nathan graduated from high school on Friday and this weekend was a whirlwind of graduation festivities and parties to attend for he and his friends.

I feel good right now. I love my husband. I was having a moment or two of the end of the honeymoon....but I'm just so damned blessed it's back again. God really did make my dreams (and every other woman's for that matter...lol) come true. I actually just enjoy Andrew and our life and our dynamic so much that I'm sometimes afraid to bring children into the picture...I find myself thinking often about just not having any at all and just being best friends with my husband forever and never getting distracted by diapers and soccer and training bras and college...Andrew would die though. I know I'll be ready someday. Someday at least five years away from today.

Cutting alcohol out has made me realize that maybe Andrew is kind of right, and maybe I do kind of have a bit of a problem. I'm on the brink of picking up smoking because of the edge my body is sitting on right now...not really-but it's crossed my mind. Somehow I had come to the point where casually having a drink or two with friends was happening 3-5 times a week...don't ask me how but it did. So I'm off the drink for at least a month, but considering how great I've been feeling lately hopefully I'll just kick it for a while.

Anyway-our bedroom is so perfectly air-conditioned now which has made my bed with my husband not only my favorite place to be in the world, but now the source of all my daydreams...I'm going to go live the dream.

Loves.

Last night at roughly 1:39 I was struck with an overwhelming urge to take a spur of the moment trip to the beach. I begged, I pleaded, I even asked strangers for their advice...but alas-my company did not want to go.

There's this thing about marriage that is beautifully binding, and then the rest of it is binding in a pretty damn annoying way. I wanted to go to the beach with two of my guy friends, whom I trust, but that whole married thing got in the way. "It wouldn't be appropriate." Lame. Lamer-they were pretty spot on. Andrew was at home sick, and I was hanging out with our friends playing pool after Bible study, and he got a little worried I was gone. Which is cute. I get it. I know it was the right thing to do to stay home...but I REALLY wanted to go to the beach. I still do. But I can't go alone and all of my girlfriends are married, have kids, or work full-time....the only people who even have "free" time are my guy friends. So annoying.

Lame lame lamity lame. Agh. I'll survive I'm sure.

Persuasion

Women are stupid. We read silly novels and watch silly movies and get all silly about silly things. I have come to conclude that Jane Austen was one of the most amazing women in history, purely because she had the ability to create love stories so transcendent that while watching Persuasion I fell right back into the black abyss....silly silly silly me.

But Anne was right-women do hold onto things forever even if they are left without a chance. Jane was right to paint a man who never lets go of his hope-even eight and a half years later. Why did she do that?

I pray that for my daughters things will be easier. I pray that nothing gets messy in my future because I am a silly girl. I pray that eventually I quit being a silly girl and grow into a woman who can embrace her blessings.

I pray because without God none of those things will come true.

Do you ever just feel like a poo-head? Like a total idiot who is missing it all?

Lately instead of telling Andrew he's being an (expletive) I've been telling him he's being "poopy." It has been quite effective in not only making him smile and diffusing the situation instead of aggravating him, but he even stops to apologize.

I think that God just told me to stop being poopy.

I'm missing it all. I'm so thirsty and hungry and every other need word that ends in y for God, but I'm not stopping to feast. I'm not taking it in or appreciating His glory. I so so so looooooong for a girlfriend I can just sit and bask in the glory with. I say a girl because I need a heart that is tender like mine (yes, really, I have a tender heart. It's in there somewhere) and can whisper and giggle with me about His majesty. I want green grass and a blanket and two Bibles with some sunshine and lemonade. I want heaven on earth in the form of true community.

My heart is crying.

I know that God is telling me I'm being poopy, and I know I need to change, I just need a hand. I'm not angry for being held accountable, and I'm not upset that He is rebuking me, I'm smiling and wanting to just make it all better and say that I'm sorry.

I also really dislike mother's day.

GA-ROSS

I just did a health assessment for my Health class and I officially must hate my body because I'm treating it like crap. I had to write down what I ate for three days...because I have the memory of a fruit fly I did the last three days...we had a house guest, we went out with our new company, we hung out with friends...the excuses are endless.

I'm always thinking "tomorrow I won't be celebrating/visiting/taking a break/having a treat" and then I can actually eat healthy. Tomorrow keeps not coming.

Ga-ross. I won't go into details but it's bad.

Aside from that I am really really really enjoying my Human Development class and I wish I was taking more time to read the material. I hate math. A lot. Which would explain why I'm a week behind and still refuse to go to class...but I have to catch up this weekend because I have an exam on Tuesday...lame.

Very exciting (but of course no declaration...a year has yet to pass...) I have found a job that is EXACTLY what I want to do. Child Life Specialist. Google it. :)