Enough.

One of my guilty pleasures is SATC. It's just the way it is. I have seen every single episode at least four times, and if someone were an expert-it would be me. Regardless of the offensive stereotypes, and basically anti-feminist tone of the entire thing, I LOVE the show.

The second movie had one of the most personally relevant scenes that I have ever seen. I'm ashamed to admit that, but aside from films akin to White Oleander, SATC2 really speaks to me. There is a scene in which Carrie and Big are sitting there chatting with another couple that claims to be "exactly like them," and the subject of children comes up. The other couple says that they're expecting in a couple of months via surrogate, and questions when Carrie and Big will be having children. Carrie responds that they won't, to the best imitation of the bitter beer face since the mid-90's that I've ever seen. (pop culture references galore this post, it seems...)

This other couple then says, with a bitter taste in their mouth "so then, it's just...the two of you?"

Occasionally I find myself pondering this question as Andrew and I look at a life filled with each other and no little pitter patters on our wood floors, aside from the cat and possibly someday a dog. Are we enough? Will I get to that point in my life where I look back and regret that I never had a child? Aside from the million social reasons I am against biological procreation considering the current state of the globe, I have multiple personal reasons. The main one being that I have far too many issues stemming from my treatment as a child that I don't want to adopt a child and have them be my little science experiment. Can mommy go a whole week without melting down? Can she experience little Capri's school years without going batshit and locking her in a closet?

Often people pat me on the shoulder and say the standard "you'll change your mind" "through the grace of God you can overcome this obstacle, because you recognize it"....etc. But I have PTSD. Straight up I don't want to have a flashback or episode and scar my precious child because I was too selfish to have the foresight to prevent it. Andrew has been affirming my feelings and convictions lately as the main goal in our raising children conversations throughout our relationship has been to find something to "break the cycle." He has said multiple times that this is one sure way to break it. I don't feel a sense of loss for me, I feel it for him. What if he wants children in a few years? What if he changes his mind? Will we be enough, just the two of us?

I know that right now I'm broken on the floor in a billion pieces and I need to recognize my true wound-attender: Christ. But I'm angry at him. I'm really angry. I am the one who often cites the response when questioned how I can believe in a God that is responsible for allowing x,y,z to happen "shit happens to everyone. I'm no better or worse, things have and will happen to me again. This is the human condition and the repercussion of sin."

Except I'm just pissed. Why sexual assault of the helpless? Why that thing? To me it is more violating than cancer, war, murder, famine, etc. But I'm sure that anyone who has personally experience any of those things would say the same about it. So I'm just a petulent child throwing a tantrum. I'm just not ready to cry to my Father yet.

It is all connected, I promise.