A Mother's Love (part 2 I think?...)

My mother and I had been going back and forth for a couple of months about her visit to me, when I realized a week ago that I am actually off school for her birthday, and could come down for a week. This is what followed:

So after discussing this at length with Kenny it just won't work for you to come here and stay until you and Kenny resolve your animosity towards each other. What happened during our visit there for your wedding was not good and you and I have at least been able to move beyond it and have a relationship. Kenny has not had any resolution or discussion with you about this and he feels that you hate him and have not apologized to him for what was done and said. You also need to realize that I am happy with Kenny and am staying with him. I am not moving back to Washington, I am not looking for anyone else in my life. I love you and want you to be able to come and visit me but it is his house too and I can't force him to be uncomfortable around you. I am sorry it is this way, I really want both of you in my life and it is very difficult to be in between the two of you.

Love,

Mom

This was my response, before I cried, before my mother-in-law drove allllll the way to my house just so "I know I deserve a momma hug"....She really is wonderful, no matter how hard I try to push her away because I don't believe in mothers:

I don't even know what to say to you right now. So I'll keep it short:

Thank you for putting another man before me.

Thank you for not realizing that Andrew too dislikes you, feels no resolution in his relationship with you, but loves me so much that he put that aside while you were here visiting this summer.

Thank you for proving to me that regardless of how much hope I have for you, you will never love me the way that I deserve.

Oh, and Kenny can fuck himself. To tell you that you have to accommodate his feelings toward your child while his LIVE WITH YOU!?!?!?!??! At least you have Cam and Christ now, what do you need me for?

Have a wonderful summer. I don't think I'll be able to talk to you for a while(again). I am so at a loss that you would do this to me again Mom. I really thought you had come to a point where you were strong enough to separate the men in your life from your daughter, even if it meant taking a little bit of flack from a man to see me. But why would it change now? Robert told you to get rid of me, and you did. Frank told me to move out because I was the only source of conflict in your marriage, and you had nothing to say. Why would Kenny be any different.

I am so hurt, and in turn so angry, I am more angry with myself above anything because I keep giving you chances and keep overlooking the fact that you don't say you're sorry, and keep wanting things that you will never be able to give me regardless of some stupid sappy email you sent me last Christmas that you have already rescinded.

Oh, and thank you for at least having the decency to call me and tell me this.

Heather.

When I was younger I wanted to be a writer.

I have a feeling that this is not shocking at all, but I just wanted to say it today. It is so interesting to me that somewhere along the way I quit trying to be extraordinary when it came to constructing sentences, and started to worry more about just word vomiting with my hands on a keyboard.

I am so grateful for my new Home Community. Last night I got to talk with three of the other women(really? not girls anymore?), and it was so encouraging. We talked about how in the past each of us has had some bad experiences with other women in the church, and so we carry scars now that build walls of trepidation. It was refreshing to know that I am not alone, and that I don't have to walk by myself.

Also something to note: my largest goal, the one that Andrew and I have decided we will spend our lives working toward, is to run a camp for foster children. Last night the girl that I have hit it off with the most was telling me the story of her and her husband, and it led up to a point where a wealthy friend of her father's has some land near Orca's Island and wants to turn it into a Christian camp, wants them to run it for him....

Right then and there I told this stranger that if she needs help Andrew and I will sell everything we own, drop out of school, and go and run this camp with her and her husband. No lie.

Afterwards Andrew and I discussed it and we would. Mostly because God is good and the best things that have ever happened to me came from situations like that, but also because it would be so much easier to just skip to the good part-the part we're called to.

I would just pee my pants and explode with excitement if it happens. Could you imagine?

Sometimes when you think that the only thing you can do is work and work and work and work to get something, God shows up with the thing you're toiling for all wrapped in a bow(Andrew). Here's to hoping He's early for my birthday this year! ;)

On the Up and Up

Things have been good lately. Not that anything much has changed, just me. Oh and the fact that we found a home community we love (some parts more than others), and have started going back to Imago...well, we are going back to Imago but maaaaay have missed yesterday because we went car shopping. After which we decided that we just need to be a bit more patient and save just a little more so we can just buy the right car outright.

I had this dream last night, it was terrible. In the dream I was married to Andrew, but I had been away from him working or volunteering or something for a couple of months, and about half way through the separation "he" showed up. And we spent all of our time together, and talked until the wee hours of the morning, and just had fun. We stayed in a room with 3 other people, all of us on the same trip/project/whatever, and one of them being his best friend. I shared a bed with another girl, so no funny business ever happened, but it was still kinda sketch. One morning he and I woke up earlier than everyone else and went out for breakfast where we sat together at an outdoor cafe and read the paper(just like I always imagined it would be). When we snuck back into the room before everyone else woke up, his friend rolled over and said

"Oh girly girl-you are living in a dream. This will all come crumbling down around you in a matter of seconds."

While he and I sat there silently feeling the shame of being known, Andrew burst in the door, looked at us(not caring that there were other people there) and in shock said the words "I see how it is. Ok!," then turned around and walked out.

I ran after him. He wouldn't look at me. I felt like I was chasing my home, the one who actually matters, that the other guy was so irrelevant that I didn't even stop to look at him before I ran after my amazing husband...he finally stopped and I admitted that I was wrong, but that nothing had happened(physically). He accepted it and we talked it through, but it was so gut-wrenchingly real that I woke up with my stomach in a huge knot and covered in sweat.

It's a good thing that my dreams are so vivid-they teach me the reality of things that I would never be able take back.

My husband is sexy hot.

To say things with a label and a finality is my way. Even to label a blog post gives me some satisfaction, as if I can begin to understand even my own writing. I know that this is a flaw, not a blessing. I also know that God has this wonderful ability to turn flaws into blessings, so I will just have to see what comes of this-of me.

I have found that this blog has become a place where I just complain. So I will share something beautiful, just to round that off.

Sunday was Easter. Andrew and I (and his brother Nathan, because he is basically our child and we take him with us everywhere...), went to Imago for the first time in over a year. It felt like home again. Tomorrow we are going to start going to a small group/house church with Imago that is only FIVE minutes from our house! I am EXTREMELY excited and look forward to the opportunity to grow that God has provided us.

During the service everyone was given a piece of paper that we were to write on along the lines of "I know that He is risen because"...

My response:"I know that He is risen because"... of His love for me. The fact that He loves me in spite of all of my sin and flaws. That He loves me so much He gave me my husband. To say the right things, to hold me when I'm hurting, to kiss away my tears, to listen even when he's angry. That I know that my husband is not so amazing, but that God loves me so much He sent my husband as a physical representation of His love when I am hurting. I know He is risen because He loves me.

Andrew's response: "I know that He is risen because"...of the fact that I can love my wife in the way that He commands. When I am weak and cannot find the words or the things to do, He carries me through and showers His love upon her. That he heals her when she is broken and holds us both.

Andrew is a man of less words than I, but I thought that it was basically just plain beautiful. Wanted to share. Also-we didn't peek. It was completely unintentional, and I wouldn't even have known if Andrew hadn't spilled the beans while we were praying. I adore my husband-really.

Which is kind of a big deal because we have been fighting all week, like screaming, room leaving, "FUCK YOU"(I said it, not him-of course, name-calling is the top 3 biggest no no's of all when it comes to marital arguments), doing man-stuff in the garage to get away from me, fighting.

Then last night after we came home, after fighting in the car, we finally broke through the walls we had both built and found the root of the problem. Talked it through, and hugged it out(like men).

Then I did a stripper dance and he really liked it and we reaped the benefits of being husband and wife.

Yay for Jesus and His love and His gifts and His ability to find the light in the darkness, and then point huge flashing neon signs at it for blind people like me.