Things are coming around beautifully this year. As always. Well, as always during the fall in the Northwest.
I LOVE the fall. It really is my favorite time (I think). Andrew said the other day he hates it because things get all cold, wet, crappy, dark all the time, and generally just no good for the beach but too soon for the mountain.
And don't tell him or anything-but I think he's crazy.
I LOVE fall times. I love scarves, and coffee, and pumpkin spice concoctions. I love going back to school just when it feels like you'll never finish or amount to anything and spend the rest of your life blissfully happy with your husband, but in no financial situation to raise any children. I love that Christmas is just around the corner and my birthday is next week. I love rain boots and peacoats, and being reminded of how much I used to LOVE school when I was in elementary.
Speaking of children, when am I ever NOT speaking of, thinking of, working through the idea with Andrew, or declaring things about-children, I'm (kind of) going through a phase where I don't think I want them at all. When I do think of them I think of a little black boy, my little girl from China, one of our own, and then another adopted....then I start diving into the psychological and social repercussions for these children if we do go through with it all. Then I go to how I don't want to do it or desire it because it's "trendy." Then I move onto the thought that I don't want to be one of those stupid people who says this, but I will, I have wanted to do this for years. Years before Brangelina and Madonna and all of the other accessory baby owners...but I know that if we do go through with it, if I do adopt cross-ethnically, that sometimes people are going to look at me in that way.
Then I think if I really care what other people think, if they say stupid things to my kids, if all of this matters to me-then I shouldn't have kids. I'm too selfish. Andrew always says that I only feel this way because of where we are now, but really-I don't know if I'm ever going to grow out of it. I love kids. Don't get me wrong. I've held brand-new fresh babies, I've held weeks old babies, and I've held toddlers. I've worked through potty training with 16 kids at a time, and I've played with one very precocious 4(and a half) year old for quite a chunk of time.
Even with all of that, this, what is to come-I have not felt any weird maternal uterus tugs. I know even further this probably has a lot to do with my mom, not wanting to repeat her mistakes, trying to save my poor hypothetical children from all the damage I will inevitably do (even with saint Andrew to save them and help me) but then I move onto this other question:
Why are people still procreating? The world is pretty damn plentiful. This is not the same idea as "adopt first" that I'm always saying, but this is a legitimate question for mothers, or eventual mothers, or the male version even. Why? What is that little voice telling you before you board that lifetime journey? I am not hearing any voices (thank the Sweet Sweet Lord) and so I'm beginning to wonder the purpose of it all. Is it the need to leave a legacy? Is it to give another person the wonderful experience of childhood you had? Are there issues people are trying to hash out through the spawning of another human?
I'm not being a smartass even though I know this sounds crass/condescending/rude (not my intention, I'm just trying to be honest with my current ponderings) but I'm very seriously interested. Please tell me.
But aside from the thousand miles my mind is running-Fall is absolutely lovely, my husband is still the object of my adoration, and my classes are amazing. The only thing missing in my life right now is a puppy. I just have this feeling Hurley wouldn't handle it very well...
2 comments:
babies... stella was the one planned pregnancy. we were going to wait a little longer to have kids, but there was a moment while we were at a friends house and his kids were playing in the living room while we were watching. the baby, ember, was so sweet and happy. in that moment, we looked at each other and melted a little bit. stella was this outward symbol of love for us. we had to know what our love child would be like and she was our gift to each other. she was also conceived at a really hopeless time. my goddaughter had just been murdered (she was 2) and i was feeling like the whole world was a black pit and full of awful people. i knew that if we had a baby, she would be a light and a positive impact on those who would know her. even though there are loads of kids in this world, i think there's still this instinctual urge to procreate and we can't really get around it. it's animalistic and God-given so why would you try to turn down the greatest gift EVER.
and i don't think your future adoptions will be trendy (oh, and fuck the people who do). anyone who knows you and andrew, knows that this is the calling of your heart. the world needs parents like you who's arms long to hold the DNA of other people. you can see beyond the lines of ethnicity and genetics and you can see the soul that IS your child. that's something so much greater than yourself and it's a calling that not everyone has. embrace your instincts and your callings. they're all scary and not always fun, but the reward is great and God is counting on you to help bring these little souls home.
I don't know. About children, I mean. It would seem to make sense, but there is obviously something pulling many. I'm back and forth about this as much as anything, in my own life. On good days, I pray things like, "Help me" and "Thank you" and hope for the best. On bad days, I curse and scream. I get angry at people who have children then treat them like accessories or trophies or anything other than precious. And sometimes, I remember I'm just as cruel and cold to people. Just as shitty. I just haven't procreated. And on average days, I try not to think of it at all, because, really, it's just a lot easier.
I guess all you can do is enjoy the fall. Your husband. And Portland. And inbetween, pray wailing wall prayers of letting go and holding on and lots of grace.
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