I'm such a child. An overgrown, overstimulated, underappreciative child.

In Andrew's words, I had to break up with my "boyfriend" today. Not in a snarky tone, mind you, he has been laughing the whole way, but I did break up with my boyfriend today. He is Nathan. Well, he is the same exact person, a bit cuter, actually applying to medical school right now, fluent in spanish, an AVID...I mean AVID volunteer...he's just everything I always thought I wanted. Before I met Andrew at least.

We were both counselors at camp and hung out every day there. Since being back from camp I had seen him every single day. He introduced me to his family, I went to church with them, we all celebrated his birthday...he met my friends, I met all of his...if we were dating all things would have been a go. But the thing is-I'm married.

It's so shameful written out. So shameful where I was letting my heart be taken. So shameful that I recognized it all as a very elaborately and perfectly concocted lie from Satan to demolish the beautiful gift God gave me in Andrew, and I still almost took the bait. Almost because it is still hard to let all of that go...you know? So hard to recognize that the life I thought I would be living for so long is not the one I have....and my mom did it. She did it all the time. But at this point I want to ask her one question: How do you sleep at night?

Last night after Wyatt's birthday party/we all went to Harry Potter Andrew said to me in the car that he was going to have a talk with Wyatt. Considering that yesterday and once before were the only two times out of 10 that Andrew was with us while we were hanging out (always with other people, but still inappropriate), I was amazed that it took that long for him to say anything at all. He said he wanted to ask him what his intentions were, tell him not to hurt me and always seek my best interest first....that he didn't mind us hanging out but there would always have to be another person there.

We both drove separate cars to the birthday celebration, so we drove home alone. After our separate time to think we came back together at home and talked through it some more. I cried because I'm such an asshole, he held me and told me it's okay. I told him I've had one foot out the door and I'm still afraid that I will leave him, or that he'll leave me. He told me he's 100% sure that I'll leave him someday, and that he thought that this would be it. He said that's why he wanted to talk to Wyatt, to make sure that I was treated the right way and am always happy....yes...really....no-I'm not making this up. He told me he gave me room because of who I am, that I'm not a jerk because it's who I am. That he knows still that he married the right person and that he's not going anywhere. He snuggled me while I bawled like a baby the same way he snuggled me when I let Nathan go...it's so wierd...I cannot understand or explain the kind of love it takes to hold your wife while she mourns the loss of another man. How is that possible? How did he kiss my cheeks to wake me up this morning? How could he stand to wrap his arms around me and sink in for a few more minutes together this morning?

I am so absolutely dispicable, and somehow he loves me still. When I say that I am the luckiest most blessed girl in the world, I am not being cliche. My husband is a king among men and I really am the lucky schmuck that gets to be his wife. He is the only man who will ever be able to love me.

I need to find satisfaction in this before I throw everything away for a lie.