Oi.

I'm getting fat. Like really fat. I looked at my backside today in the mirror and wondered where it all came from...then remembered the pizza, cake(s), candy, chocolate, tacos, tator tots, whipped cream, chai tea frapp, cheeeeeeese, pasta, basically everything I've consumed this winter. It's gaross. I feel dirty. My body needs a cleaning.

I also was facebook browsing, this one isn't stalking because we are fb friends after all, and came across a girl I went to college with in Oklahoma. When I first met her I thought we'd be friends forever, but unfortunately was not optimistic or healed enough to actually maintain a relationship with her. I was so absorbed in my dark twistiness I couldn't be friends with her. She was beautiful, encouraging, laughed at everything, and had an amazing relationship with the Lord. I envied her. Which of course, since I'm a girl, manifested into a deep and solid resentment. My friend Missy and I called her and her friends the "Hil-fayes," which if you've ever seen Saved you'll understand. They would get together everyday and just read the Bible together FOR HOURS...it was sickening because my heart longed for that kind of friendship so badly. I made all kinds of horrible decisions while at school there, and completely missed the opportunity I had to build some amazing friendships.

She is still in Oklahoma and she is still beautiful. She goes on missions trips and has dated the same amazing guy from my youth group in Vancouver for-ev-er. She is tan in the summer, beautiful in the winter, and doesn't dye her hair. Her smile is just damn perfect and as I was looking at her pictures today I just ENVIED her joy. Envy is no bueno, but I did realize something: I am the only one holding me back from having that relationship with God, from feeding myself garbage, from refusing to invest in people and build those relationships with other women. I am still the same Debbie Downer I was then, I just have a sense of humor now. Which is not where I want to be.

I'm not going to make statements or plans, I just am going to try. Everytime I make statements and plans, they fail. Everytime I try to diet-I binge. I just want to be better. Not in a status way, but a I feel the sunshine on my toes even when it's snowing kind of way.

Today is Good Friday. I haven't been to church in seriously about two and a half months. Since we were either down to one car or I was just too darn lazy for the past few months, I just wasn't going on Sunday nights with Andrew and his brother. I didn't want to. I have been allowing myself to sit at home and fester and gain weight and hate myself and resent those who point out what I'm doing. So tonight we're going to church. Sunday we're going to church. Today I'm forcing Andrew to take me to Glendovere and we're at least walking until I cannot walk anymore...which sadly-I'm so out of shape right now even WALKING will do me good...gross...I am going to pursue fellowship and a healthier life.

But not making any plans...

On another note, my husband got laid off last weekend. Monday was his last day. So I need a job. And randomly Andrew told me two nights ago he's ready to foster. Which was quite shocking. We discussed it and have decided that we obviously cannot now because neither of us has a job, but that we will as soon as we have the opportunity to take care of ourselves and have health insurance. Now is just not the right time, but our hearts are ready. I thought we would need to wait at least another year before Andrew would be totally ready, but he said he is now. So that's amazing.

I married the right man.