October

I've been feeling so very hazy lately. Mostly to do with my very retail schedule, and all of its inconsistencies. (I'm horrible with it's, its, it is...btw)

Sometimes I feel like I never see my husband, and I miss him. Other times I know I never see my husband and I'm okay with that because I'm annoyed. But mostly-I just miss him. My schedule is basically crap until after Christmas, which just so happens to also be the time that winter term starts, and then it all begins again.

I'm almost completely done reading The Time Traveler's Wife, it is amazing. I love the language and concept of time.

I want to have the time to sit down and just knit for days, but I know it will never come. I want to join the Peace Corps today. I want a boxer puppy and an Element, but I know that if I get them they will just be things I'll have to part with when we do join the Corps, so I kind of don't want them anymore. I'm sore, all over. I started p90x two days ago and it hurts so good. I LOVE the achy sore you get after working out. I ADORE the results. I am not a big fan of the actually working out though...lol...so I'm thinking if I just do it everyday and after 15(fact) it becomes a habit, I'll just stick with it.

I don't love my nephew. When I hold him he is a stranger baby and I am very annoyed. I feel terrible because it isn't his fault I don't know him, but I just kind of don't ever really want to try. Hate me, I know that's terrible.

I LOVE JULIA SAGER-she really is my very favorite friend. I so enjoy getting to know her a little bit better every time I spend time with her, my only gripe is that she is not quiiiiiite comfortable yet to just tell me all the thoughts going through her head while I'm babbling. On that note, I will compose a list and be done:

"The Ways that Nattie Sue is Like Her Mother" or "The Ways Julia Sager is Like a 5 yr Old"

1. She is very tender hearted, and very aware of other people's feelings
2. She is EXTREMELY stubborn, and HATES it when she doesn't get her way.
3. She thinks about sparkly things, or things she would much rather be thinking about most of the time you're trying to teach her something.
   
4. When a person tries to point out what she did that was naughty, she distracts you with other things like being a unicorn or what exactly the situation is so you'll take her side.
5. She has imaginary friends who are always wonderful until she really starts to play with them, and learns that they're kind of poopy just like everyone else.
6. She loves her sister(s) more than anything else, and would willingly give up her mostest favoritest thing to benefit them.
7. She loves pastel colors.
8. She is smarter than a majority of her peers, but hasn't figured out a way quite yet to show the world her intellect.
9. She enjoys anime movies, even if Friend Heather thinks they're the nerdiest thing aside from Magic cards or WOW.
10. She really appreciates Friend Andrew and what a total Prince he is. Fortunately though, this is one area where Natti and Juli differ: Friend Andrew can only be so many people's boyfriend in one house.
    
11. She loves to work in the kitchen, even if after the initial excitement wears off it gets a bit tedious and boring.
12. She LOVES being crafty for her friends and family.
13. She laughs at most of my stupid jokes.
    
14. She cries when she's hurt.
15. She looks for affirmation when something is painful, like scratches on a playground or words. But if you tell her it's not a big deal-she won't listen. She's nobody's fool.
16. She is someone I love so very much, couldn't live without, and cannot wait to watch grow.
    

The end.

Tears, Tired, Time

I slept through my first class this morning. It also just so happened to be the only day the professor was handing something out I can't just print myself off of her website...stupid stupid stupid me and my lack of sleep.

Last night I cried in front of Andrew. He told me that my theories of being a better mother to adopted children than biological children were totally bogus. I was tired-to say the least-and got all emotional. I told him that it was so easy for my mother to give me away, so easy for my grandmother, when I looked just like them. They always figured I would be fine because the women in my family are survivors. They looked into my face that was a mirror of theirs and left me alone in the wilderness anyway because I would survive.

I'm afraid that if I have a child of my own it will be that easy for me. That regardless of my good intentions, that I'll be like them. Sending my helpless children off into the world alone because I know that they'll be alright, they're part me.

That it won't be as easy to abandon a child that has nowhere else to go. A child that I had to save in the first place. A child that needs a hero. This obviously leaves much to be worked through, which was Andrew's first statement, but it's truly how I feel. He said that it was a really big step for me to tell him that, but that we are definitely going to need to go through some counseling and work this out before we bring any children into our home at all, biological or adopted.

I find that I'm a thousand times more vulnerable, emotional, and overall expressive when I'm tired. I know I'm not alone on that island.

Lately I've just been remembering over and over what it felt like repeatedly as a child to cry out for my mother trusting that she would come hold and soothe me as she had just a few years before, only to be disappointed every time because Robert had been victorious. She either didn't hear me or didn't come. Frank was then victorious. His emotions were above mine.

I keep remembering was it was like as a 6, 7, 8,12,13,14,17,20 year old curled up in a ball with my hair matted to my face with tears waiting for her to show me that she really does love me. That all those times she abandoned me over and over again were mistakes.

But she didn't and she never will. I will always feel like a frightened six year old girl standing in the middle of an empty forest, waiting for her to come find me.

Figuring out what to do with that is the hardest part.

Fall

Things are coming around beautifully this year. As always. Well, as always during the fall in the Northwest.

I LOVE the fall. It really is my favorite time (I think). Andrew said the other day he hates it because things get all cold, wet, crappy, dark all the time, and generally just no good for the beach but too soon for the mountain.

And don't tell him or anything-but I think he's crazy.

I LOVE fall times. I love scarves, and coffee, and pumpkin spice concoctions. I love going back to school just when it feels like you'll never finish or amount to anything and spend the rest of your life blissfully happy with your husband, but in no financial situation to raise any children. I love that Christmas is just around the corner and my birthday is next week. I love rain boots and peacoats, and being reminded of how much I used to LOVE school when I was in elementary.

Speaking of children, when am I ever NOT speaking of, thinking of, working through the idea with Andrew, or declaring things about-children, I'm (kind of) going through a phase where I don't think I want them at all. When I do think of them I think of a little black boy, my little girl from China, one of our own, and then another adopted....then I start diving into the psychological and social repercussions for these children if we do go through with it all. Then I go to how I don't want to do it or desire it because it's "trendy." Then I move onto the thought that I don't want to be one of those stupid people who says this, but I will, I have wanted to do this for years. Years before Brangelina and Madonna and all of the other accessory baby owners...but I know that if we do go through with it, if I do adopt cross-ethnically, that sometimes people are going to look at me in that way.

Then I think if I really care what other people think, if they say stupid things to my kids, if all of this matters to me-then I shouldn't have kids. I'm too selfish. Andrew always says that I only feel this way because of where we are now, but really-I don't know if I'm ever going to grow out of it. I love kids. Don't get me wrong. I've held brand-new fresh babies, I've held weeks old babies, and I've held toddlers. I've worked through potty training with 16 kids at a time, and I've played with one very precocious 4(and a half) year old for quite a chunk of time.

Even with all of that, this, what is to come-I have not felt any weird maternal uterus tugs. I know even further this probably has a lot to do with my mom, not wanting to repeat her mistakes, trying to save my poor hypothetical children from all the damage I will inevitably do (even with saint Andrew to save them and help me) but then I move onto this other question:

Why are people still procreating? The world is pretty damn plentiful. This is not the same idea as "adopt first" that I'm always saying, but this is a legitimate question for mothers, or eventual mothers, or the male version even. Why? What is that little voice telling you before you board that lifetime journey? I am not hearing any voices (thank the Sweet Sweet Lord) and so I'm beginning to wonder the purpose of it all. Is it the need to leave a legacy? Is it to give another person the wonderful experience of childhood you had? Are there issues people are trying to hash out through the spawning of another human?

I'm not being a smartass even though I know this sounds crass/condescending/rude (not my intention, I'm just trying to be honest with my current ponderings) but I'm very seriously interested. Please tell me.

But aside from the thousand miles my mind is running-Fall is absolutely lovely, my husband is still the object of my adoration, and my classes are amazing. The only thing missing in my life right now is a puppy. I just have this feeling Hurley wouldn't handle it very well...

Tired tired tired...busy busy busy....I have been blog-absent as of late due to working full-time. This wouldn't normally wear me out like it does, but I'm working full-time at Best Buy/retail...which is only the most painful experience known to man. I cannot leave the house in the morning now without TWO cups of coffee (and as far as health goes-I HATE coffee...oi).

So much is going on around here, and so little time to think about it. Nathan has left for college but is home every weekend...he had the swine flu for a minute but recovered fully, along with the other 30 players on his team at Western Oregon. The sister-in-law and hubby are officially gone in Eugene. The blessing it has been is immeasurable. I know that is mean, but space will hopefully help with all the drama they cause in the family.

Went to OHSU and played around with their sonography equipment at the direction of my doctor friend in the PICU...shhh...lol. Spent many nights discussing jobs with he and his wife, in the medical field with autonomy, but not going to medical school, and have settled very comfortably on training to become a Physician's Assistant. Couldn't get in this term, but next term will start the training to become an EMT so I can leave Best Buy (hallelujah!) and start working on my 2,000 required patient contact hours to apply for the program. More on this to come I'm sure...my undergraduate is going to remain psychology as it meets all of the pre-reqs without boring me to death.

Woke up yesterday with a certainty and unshakable knowledge that little Capri Marie will no longer be the baby we planned to make. She will be adopted along with the rest of our gaggle. Someday. When we're settled.

Both working our tails off, Andrew 7 days aweek actually, to get the debt paid off so we can save for a new car. The debt will be gone by my birthday..it came out during a finances discussion, Andrew was crushed that he had to spill the beans, but that is my big "present" this year. He's still taking me on a mini-vaca somewhere up the gorge where we can sleep, sex, get massages, maybe wine-tour, and relax some more...I CAN'T WAIT!

Aside from all the busyness we have been good. Hard to not see him very much, and my days off are NEVER on his "days off"/the days he works less than 10 hours. School starts on the 21st, and as soon as it does I'm 7 days a week. My "off" days I'll be in class. But my schedule is exciting this term, so I'm not too worried.

Now I'm going to be late for work. Oi. Hope everyone is well! Sorry this was so choppy, I only had five minutes to cram it in between shower/getting ready before I leave!

I love the Office. Andrew and I have been watching an episode or two each night before we go to bed, and everyday I look forward to snuggling down with my hubby and laughing our heads off. Seriously. Season 4 episode 1 I couldn't even laugh it was so funny THE ENTIRE TIME....today I sneaked a few while at home by myself...but I CANNOT wait to share with Andrew the one where Dwight simulates a fire...O-M-G...the whole darn episode had me in tears...

Also, yoga is amazing. Aside from all the weird spiritual stuff that I pay no attention to, I am more relaxed after class and sore the next day than from anything else. It is amazing.

I figured to follow up a super-emo post this would be great.

I'm such a child. An overgrown, overstimulated, underappreciative child.

In Andrew's words, I had to break up with my "boyfriend" today. Not in a snarky tone, mind you, he has been laughing the whole way, but I did break up with my boyfriend today. He is Nathan. Well, he is the same exact person, a bit cuter, actually applying to medical school right now, fluent in spanish, an AVID...I mean AVID volunteer...he's just everything I always thought I wanted. Before I met Andrew at least.

We were both counselors at camp and hung out every day there. Since being back from camp I had seen him every single day. He introduced me to his family, I went to church with them, we all celebrated his birthday...he met my friends, I met all of his...if we were dating all things would have been a go. But the thing is-I'm married.

It's so shameful written out. So shameful where I was letting my heart be taken. So shameful that I recognized it all as a very elaborately and perfectly concocted lie from Satan to demolish the beautiful gift God gave me in Andrew, and I still almost took the bait. Almost because it is still hard to let all of that go...you know? So hard to recognize that the life I thought I would be living for so long is not the one I have....and my mom did it. She did it all the time. But at this point I want to ask her one question: How do you sleep at night?

Last night after Wyatt's birthday party/we all went to Harry Potter Andrew said to me in the car that he was going to have a talk with Wyatt. Considering that yesterday and once before were the only two times out of 10 that Andrew was with us while we were hanging out (always with other people, but still inappropriate), I was amazed that it took that long for him to say anything at all. He said he wanted to ask him what his intentions were, tell him not to hurt me and always seek my best interest first....that he didn't mind us hanging out but there would always have to be another person there.

We both drove separate cars to the birthday celebration, so we drove home alone. After our separate time to think we came back together at home and talked through it some more. I cried because I'm such an asshole, he held me and told me it's okay. I told him I've had one foot out the door and I'm still afraid that I will leave him, or that he'll leave me. He told me he's 100% sure that I'll leave him someday, and that he thought that this would be it. He said that's why he wanted to talk to Wyatt, to make sure that I was treated the right way and am always happy....yes...really....no-I'm not making this up. He told me he gave me room because of who I am, that I'm not a jerk because it's who I am. That he knows still that he married the right person and that he's not going anywhere. He snuggled me while I bawled like a baby the same way he snuggled me when I let Nathan go...it's so wierd...I cannot understand or explain the kind of love it takes to hold your wife while she mourns the loss of another man. How is that possible? How did he kiss my cheeks to wake me up this morning? How could he stand to wrap his arms around me and sink in for a few more minutes together this morning?

I am so absolutely dispicable, and somehow he loves me still. When I say that I am the luckiest most blessed girl in the world, I am not being cliche. My husband is a king among men and I really am the lucky schmuck that gets to be his wife. He is the only man who will ever be able to love me.

I need to find satisfaction in this before I throw everything away for a lie.

Do you ever just feel like you're on a roller coaster, or just plain spiraling in the wrong direction but it's just too fun and you don't want to get off?

Sometimes, I do.