I love the Office. Andrew and I have been watching an episode or two each night before we go to bed, and everyday I look forward to snuggling down with my hubby and laughing our heads off. Seriously. Season 4 episode 1 I couldn't even laugh it was so funny THE ENTIRE TIME....today I sneaked a few while at home by myself...but I CANNOT wait to share with Andrew the one where Dwight simulates a fire...O-M-G...the whole darn episode had me in tears...

Also, yoga is amazing. Aside from all the weird spiritual stuff that I pay no attention to, I am more relaxed after class and sore the next day than from anything else. It is amazing.

I figured to follow up a super-emo post this would be great.

I'm such a child. An overgrown, overstimulated, underappreciative child.

In Andrew's words, I had to break up with my "boyfriend" today. Not in a snarky tone, mind you, he has been laughing the whole way, but I did break up with my boyfriend today. He is Nathan. Well, he is the same exact person, a bit cuter, actually applying to medical school right now, fluent in spanish, an AVID...I mean AVID volunteer...he's just everything I always thought I wanted. Before I met Andrew at least.

We were both counselors at camp and hung out every day there. Since being back from camp I had seen him every single day. He introduced me to his family, I went to church with them, we all celebrated his birthday...he met my friends, I met all of his...if we were dating all things would have been a go. But the thing is-I'm married.

It's so shameful written out. So shameful where I was letting my heart be taken. So shameful that I recognized it all as a very elaborately and perfectly concocted lie from Satan to demolish the beautiful gift God gave me in Andrew, and I still almost took the bait. Almost because it is still hard to let all of that go...you know? So hard to recognize that the life I thought I would be living for so long is not the one I have....and my mom did it. She did it all the time. But at this point I want to ask her one question: How do you sleep at night?

Last night after Wyatt's birthday party/we all went to Harry Potter Andrew said to me in the car that he was going to have a talk with Wyatt. Considering that yesterday and once before were the only two times out of 10 that Andrew was with us while we were hanging out (always with other people, but still inappropriate), I was amazed that it took that long for him to say anything at all. He said he wanted to ask him what his intentions were, tell him not to hurt me and always seek my best interest first....that he didn't mind us hanging out but there would always have to be another person there.

We both drove separate cars to the birthday celebration, so we drove home alone. After our separate time to think we came back together at home and talked through it some more. I cried because I'm such an asshole, he held me and told me it's okay. I told him I've had one foot out the door and I'm still afraid that I will leave him, or that he'll leave me. He told me he's 100% sure that I'll leave him someday, and that he thought that this would be it. He said that's why he wanted to talk to Wyatt, to make sure that I was treated the right way and am always happy....yes...really....no-I'm not making this up. He told me he gave me room because of who I am, that I'm not a jerk because it's who I am. That he knows still that he married the right person and that he's not going anywhere. He snuggled me while I bawled like a baby the same way he snuggled me when I let Nathan go...it's so wierd...I cannot understand or explain the kind of love it takes to hold your wife while she mourns the loss of another man. How is that possible? How did he kiss my cheeks to wake me up this morning? How could he stand to wrap his arms around me and sink in for a few more minutes together this morning?

I am so absolutely dispicable, and somehow he loves me still. When I say that I am the luckiest most blessed girl in the world, I am not being cliche. My husband is a king among men and I really am the lucky schmuck that gets to be his wife. He is the only man who will ever be able to love me.

I need to find satisfaction in this before I throw everything away for a lie.

Do you ever just feel like you're on a roller coaster, or just plain spiraling in the wrong direction but it's just too fun and you don't want to get off?

Sometimes, I do.

I broke down and cried today...and yesterday...my body is tired, my heart is weary, my entire being is drained to the core.

Camp was hard. Seeing all of those kids and hearing all of their stories...some campers moving upwards of 10 times just in the past year ON TOP OF what they had to experience to end up in foster care to begin with...my heart hurts for them.

My mom's visit went extremely well. No fighting, a few good visits, and when I cried today (after picking up a pan straight out of the oven bare handed because my brain simply cannot function, and the fact that nobody really showed up for Papa's birthday..) she caught me while I cried. It was definitely a moment where God just held me...Andrew was attending to my burns with the two different types of burn cremes he picked up for me at the store, my mom was holding me, and Margo was stroking my hair. I didn't have a want for anyone else to be there...which hasn't really happened in a very long time...if ever...so God is faithfully attending my battered, confused, and weary heart with hugs and love.

I'm going back to bed now. I crawled into bed at 7 tonight, slept until 12, and now will go back...I need more sleep. I miss Julia...I feel like I haven't seen her in years.

I learned so much this week about God, life, loving, forgiving, acceptance, pain, courage, and the ability to move forward from both the kids and the other counselors. Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime.

As of right now-I'm trying to chase Satan away with a deep love for my husband. I met Nathan again (he shall remain nameless thus far) at camp this week. I met the real Nathan at camp. It was all very surreal...they are exactly the same, the experience the exact same. Down to the littlest details...but as always, God provided a way out-his best friend's name/co-counselor/the guy we spent ALL of our free time with is: Andrew. :) A gentle (or not so much) reminder of my amazing man of a husband who is everything my heart needs.

God loves me. He adores me. He wants the best for me. He will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. I will not be my mother.

For that I am faithful.

I MUST be dreaming...

Because the first year is over both for marriage and since the wedding...well, wedding anniversary is actually 7/7 but I'll be at camp next week so cannot update then.

It is still amazing. It wasn't hard. I had my days, but they generally coincided with my period, and Andrew made it out completely unscathed. We had one or two big fights, but other than that didn't have a problem laughing things off. It has been such a blessing. I could go on and on about how amazing my husband is (again) or how happy I am (again) but instead I will just say that God loves me so much He gave me Andrew.

Capri

I had the most realistic dream the other day. Julia and Andrew are the only two people I've told about it up until now, but I wanted to write it down before I forgot.

In the dream I was pregnant with a girl, my girl, my little Capri. We were so excited because it was ours and such a blessing, and planned a home birth. When the time came there was a lot of walking around the house (stark naked...lol...I watched the Ricki Lake expose on home birth, pretty sure that the setting/wardrobe for my dream came directly from the film) and sweating, and nervousness.

The entire pregnancy I was excited, and when I went into labor I was just relieved to get her out and hold her. When the moment came to push, with my midwife standing to my right, and my husband behind me for support and holding my other hand, I got so scared. She was coming, forever, my life would be irrevocably changed and no going back. I began to cry because I was so intensly afraid of all the change that was about to happen, but after pushing for a while-while standing (I'm telling you...watch the video, I WAS the hot black mama from New York..swear it) my midwife told me to reach down and I could hold her as she was coming out. So I did. I felt her head and I pushed two more times so excited and scared and ready and crying until I hear her crying and everything changed.

The only thing I could think about was making her okay, to get her to stop crying. All I could ask through my tears was what was wrong, and is she okay, and why is she crying, omigosh she's beautiful...all of it...and Andrew was crying behind me and the midwife told me everything was fine and toweled her off and sat me down so we could all get cleaned up and rest....and I just held her. And later I fed her, and she was perfect. My little baby, my little miracle, my little Capri.

When I woke up I realized why people choose to have their own children. I'm still so afraid though, so afraid because Andrew and I both have only ever had dreams of our baby being a girl. Of a little baby girl with blue eyes and blonde hair, and I'm so afraid that if we ever do get pregnant and find out it's a boy, that I will be so let down. That I'll be so sad....and I don't want to be sad because we didn't get the baby my heart always felt was coming...you know?

The dream was so real. If I hadn't witnessed Connor's birth, and watched the video, and seen Julie with Maggie I wouldn't have been able to experience the entire thing so intensly. I am very naturally empathetic. But not in a "I could see how that would be for you" but in a "I can feel it to the core of my bones how that would be" way. I used to cry onstage when doing theatre because I could feel it. When I look at pictures of the girls being raped in other countries, in the U.S. at the age of 3, 7, 13..I get so upset because I want to kill the men that did it. It has a lot to do with my "passion"...lol...the polite way that people refer to my overbearing and loud temperament...I want to fight for those who've been trampled on because I can feel the feet upon my face and arms and spirit crushing me the way they are being muffled.

It was an intense dream though. I know that I will adopt, but I know that Capri will be mine and Andrew's biologically...I guess I just wanted to say that so that people know when I'm talking tough and screaming about the injustice and all of the selfish people looking the other way and having their own-that I'll be having my own and there is no judgement. I'm just loud.