Community

I've been really craving community lately. Travis does that to me. He comes around and I remember everything I loved about youth group, and everything that encouraged me to be so passionate about the Lord.

I'm a terrible sinner, we all know, but I would love to live in some commune with a bunch of other hippie-wannabe Christians and garden together and share life with them.

Especially because at this point we've moved in with Julia and Adam, and I quite enjoy it. It's messy, of course, because instead of living life with just Andrew and I it has become this interesting mix of a family of six...but as long as I'm not the mommy and don't have to do the cooking and cleaning I'll stick around ;) lol. But really I love them and couldn't ask for better people to share so much of my life with lately. Sometimes I feel like Adam is my older brother though, and he really wishes I would just shut up and go away. In love of course, more a noogie(?) on the head kind of annoyed though....either way-we're going with that.

But at the same time I don't want to just be with random other people. I can only stand spending so much time with them because I've known Julia forever. I am only inspired to the idea because I love Travis and all the silly memories we have. When we were discussing a couple of days ago the church I one time had a vision of that included Mike, Travis, Peter, and I on staff, it was a church run together by those that I love driven by a common vision and understanding of the people of the NW.

Which while there cannot be a finite resolution to all of these feelings and desires in one post, just like there cannot be resolution to a conflict spanning years in one night, I can just say that from all this I know one thing for certain: God has blessed my life with some of the most amazing people on the planet. I haven't met the whole planet but I tend to be right all the time so I'm right here. :)

I think that's all for now.

Like SERIOUSLY?!

So the camps that I will be volunteering at this summer are for foster children. For kids who have been beaten, raped, burned, violated, put-down to the point of worthlessness, and taught that nothing in the world could possibly be good or trusted.

So my friend Tarah got married last July at the courthouse because her husband is Austrailian and they needed to start the immigration process. THIS July, one year later, they are having their wedding.

Coming from someone who did the same thing, but in a much shorter time frame, no judgement. I will say that honestly I wish we had just run away to Jamaica and called it a day, but everyone must learn this lesson on their own.

How are these things relevant? Tarah's wedding is the day after I return from the first of my volunteer camps. So I will be here for the wedding, but evidently it's the most tragic f-ing thing that I will not be here for the bachelorette party (which I don't drink enough for her anymore anyway...I'm officically "no fun anymore"...so who gives a flying crap if I'm there anyway??!?!?) and I will be missing the rehearsal/dinner on Friday...but um...I've been in and to a few weddings-it really isn't that hard to walk down an aisle on count. Really. No lie. I'm not joking. She literally asked me if I could take the week off. She actually told me that she's "not like trying to be selfish, but" she "guesses she sorta is, and is there really NO WAY I can get it off??"

This was after I had already informed her the camp was for foster children.

I understand that the world does not see things through my eyes. I understand that my heart is called to love children that are often overlooked and misunderstood and so to expect her to jump on the bandwagon and be a counselor herself is a loooooong stretch. But to ask me to not go so I can be around for the events of her show wedding????

I had two bridesmaids who were sick last July during mine due to pregnancy, and had to leave early or miss a couple things...but...um....and no offense Julia...it didn't make one bit of difference. At all. Not to mention Ms. Tarah got so sloshed at my wedding she had to leave early with her parents because she could drive, and totally missed helping tear down at the end...which BOTH OF MY PREGGERS/SICK FRIENDS MANAGED TO DO EVEN WHILE BEING SICK.

This would not be so frustrating because let's face it-all brides are a little zilla at some point. No judgement. But let's move backwards to the point where she called and flipped out a few months ago.

"Oh my fucking gosh Heather, just GUESS what my sister is doing!?!?!?"
"Um...I have no idea Tarah, what?"
"That selfish bitch decided she just HAD to get married this year too!"
.........
".....well, I'm a little unclear as to why this is a problem."
"She just HAD to upstage me! She's ALWAYS doing this!"
.....
"Tarah..YOU were always the hot older sister...YOU were the skinny popular cheerleader...she's always been the overweight younger sister that even now is not attractive...I'm pretty sure her getting married this YEAR has absolutely nothing to do with you. I'd calm down a bit..when is her wedding?"
"November."
"Okay, well, that is four entire months after yours. I'm pretty sure you can share."
"Yeah, well...whatever, she's just being totally fucking selfish."

*apologies-Tarah is not only one of the most self-absorbed people on the planet she also cusses like a sailor. Honestly, Andrew has really reached his limit. He cannot stand to spend time with her anymore.

I digress.

But maybe I'm being the selfish and irrational one. Maybe I should just respect that her wedding is a once in a lifetime thing...(which it won't be-she's never been in a relationship with someone she didn't cheat on. Please keep in mind I've known her since 8th grade...I have a feeling she'll do my mother proud when all is said and done...)

Or maybe it's just late and I'm pissed she sent me a facebook message asking me to not go to camp with these kids.

Campity Camp Camp CAMP

So now I am going to three different camps volunteer, and have an interview today to work at one for at least part of the summer not volunteer.....If I am not all tan and sexy when this is over, I'm gonna be pissed.

I am super excited, and I've been reading every day in preparation, but I have a feeling I still won't be ready. I have two trainings this weekend for separate camps and it basically doesn't stop until August. Which is good.

School is going well, I've been playing hooky a lot though...as usual...I have the attention span of a fruit fly and sometimes my professors are just pretty darn kooky...but such is life as a student.

I feel like there's a lot more to say but I can't remember any of it. I'm gonna shower. I stink.

Quick before I lose it!

I had something really profound to say...

OH! Ok, so now that I remembered, no so profound...

I hate when you leave for what feels to you like an eternity, and you get back and nobody really sent you emails or mass attacked your online account(s). I always feel like such a loser when that happens.

Invisible Children went really well, and I ran into this girl Nikki from high school. She was the girl that stunk really bad you know? Who's parents never taught her how to take care of herself and wore the same clothes everyday. Nobody would talk to her or sit by her, but I would ask her to be in my group sometimes for class work, or how her weekend was. She never knew how to respond because nobody ever spoke to her. It was really sad. I'm not a saint, that's not the point, I just was a loser pretty regularly too and understood. But she was there, by herself, and I walked up to her and she spent time with Travis, Andrew, and I all night. She left when we went to bed, and is in town for a week visiting from Chicago where she's getting married, but I thought it was a happy coincidence.

Last: I think giving plasma may be killing me slowly. My "injection/suck" site has been achy for the past few days....maybe I have hep C.

On the upside

The sister-in-law and I are becoming BFF. Long story and due to Adam's comments on the length of my blogs I'll spare you all the details. But we are like two steps away from pillow fights in our underwear here.

Tonight is Invisible Children at Pioneer Courthouse Square. I just sent a text to like a thousand million and people and only one is coming. Which means...I did a really horrible job of telling my friends about it.

We've been spending sooooo-o-o-o much time with a couple of friends of ours lately. Because Andrew is a twin and I'm an attention whore we do have to take a step back every now and then. We very regularly wear out our welcome, so are trying to learn healthy boundaries...but it's near impossible. Baby steps.

School is going but I think my painting instructor hates me. My piece will not be in the show and all of my work needs work.

In-laws are back though, gotta go!

Oi.

I'm getting fat. Like really fat. I looked at my backside today in the mirror and wondered where it all came from...then remembered the pizza, cake(s), candy, chocolate, tacos, tator tots, whipped cream, chai tea frapp, cheeeeeeese, pasta, basically everything I've consumed this winter. It's gaross. I feel dirty. My body needs a cleaning.

I also was facebook browsing, this one isn't stalking because we are fb friends after all, and came across a girl I went to college with in Oklahoma. When I first met her I thought we'd be friends forever, but unfortunately was not optimistic or healed enough to actually maintain a relationship with her. I was so absorbed in my dark twistiness I couldn't be friends with her. She was beautiful, encouraging, laughed at everything, and had an amazing relationship with the Lord. I envied her. Which of course, since I'm a girl, manifested into a deep and solid resentment. My friend Missy and I called her and her friends the "Hil-fayes," which if you've ever seen Saved you'll understand. They would get together everyday and just read the Bible together FOR HOURS...it was sickening because my heart longed for that kind of friendship so badly. I made all kinds of horrible decisions while at school there, and completely missed the opportunity I had to build some amazing friendships.

She is still in Oklahoma and she is still beautiful. She goes on missions trips and has dated the same amazing guy from my youth group in Vancouver for-ev-er. She is tan in the summer, beautiful in the winter, and doesn't dye her hair. Her smile is just damn perfect and as I was looking at her pictures today I just ENVIED her joy. Envy is no bueno, but I did realize something: I am the only one holding me back from having that relationship with God, from feeding myself garbage, from refusing to invest in people and build those relationships with other women. I am still the same Debbie Downer I was then, I just have a sense of humor now. Which is not where I want to be.

I'm not going to make statements or plans, I just am going to try. Everytime I make statements and plans, they fail. Everytime I try to diet-I binge. I just want to be better. Not in a status way, but a I feel the sunshine on my toes even when it's snowing kind of way.

Today is Good Friday. I haven't been to church in seriously about two and a half months. Since we were either down to one car or I was just too darn lazy for the past few months, I just wasn't going on Sunday nights with Andrew and his brother. I didn't want to. I have been allowing myself to sit at home and fester and gain weight and hate myself and resent those who point out what I'm doing. So tonight we're going to church. Sunday we're going to church. Today I'm forcing Andrew to take me to Glendovere and we're at least walking until I cannot walk anymore...which sadly-I'm so out of shape right now even WALKING will do me good...gross...I am going to pursue fellowship and a healthier life.

But not making any plans...

On another note, my husband got laid off last weekend. Monday was his last day. So I need a job. And randomly Andrew told me two nights ago he's ready to foster. Which was quite shocking. We discussed it and have decided that we obviously cannot now because neither of us has a job, but that we will as soon as we have the opportunity to take care of ourselves and have health insurance. Now is just not the right time, but our hearts are ready. I thought we would need to wait at least another year before Andrew would be totally ready, but he said he is now. So that's amazing.

I married the right man.

Invisible Children

Will be leading an event this year on April 25th. I've already signed up, and Andrew cannot come, so if anyone wants to trek/camp the night with me (probably from Julie's place...because walking all the way from Happy Valley would deliver me in Pioneer Courthouse Square roughly two days later...) I'd love it! Kids are allowed, so if you have a youngster old enough to come then it would be a great way to show them what people can do to make a change.

For more information about the cause and the event go to: www.invisiblechildren.com