I am trying to reconcile my faith with human existence.

I am trying to understand how we all got so far away from how it was created to be.

I try to look around me and see what God intended. Look at the concrete, fences, broken glass, abuse, pain, drugs, gluttony-and see Eden. See what little pieces are left.

I am trying to plug in.

I am trying to love my husband the way that God created me to. To love him in the way that he loves me-edifying him daily and focusing on the Lord.

I am trying to love everyone, and see the balance in life, hoping that this will bring me away from my quickness to lean towards anger.

I am trying to be in the world, but not of it.

I am trying to love my non-believing friends in a way that makes them wonder.

I am trying to love God in a way that is not offensive to others, but is also obvious.

I am trying to figure out what I believe, as that is the core of achieving any of the above.

I am trying to let myself be loved.

I am trying to imagine a time in my life where I won't be so busy, so tired, so hectic, so over-scheduled and under-studied so that I can have a quiet time....but it won't happen. I have to make a time for the quiet.

So in summation: If you could just pray REAL HARD that I can have a 24.5 hour day, that would be really helpful. ;)

Also I would like to keep a record of the fact that it is March 14 (Pi day) and I have only had a drink on two days of this year(both of which really were not worth the wasted calories, and I would take back in a heart beat). I have not partaken in the Mary J at all, and I'm even giving up fast food.

I throw in the last one because it is not about being "better" than anyone, or "proving" myself. It is about not doing the things that are unhealthy for me, that are detrimental to existing in a way that is not only pleasing to God, but also being wholly present. I want to quit living in a way wherein I just don't tell people I'm a believer because it will ruin it for the rest of the people trying to witness. I want to live what I believe-I'm tired of being the American standard of Christianity. I desire to be a part of the emerging church, to shower those around me with the love of Christ and live to the standards and joy He laid out for us. I want to be healthy. I want to treat my body as a temple.

But I refuse to give up my tattoos and I am getting more ;) As if that really matters...lol.

Improvements 2

Yes, I'm still amazing. No, I'm not going to again write a vain post about how lovely I am as a wife. Andrew is enjoying himself though.

I more just wanted to say that I need a home church. I need a community to pray with. I need to get my hands in there and love people and discuss my heart spiritually with others. I LONG for a Bible study. My heart is thirsty and my eyes are blind. I continually say "as soon as" and never deliver.

So today I found two churches that Andrew and I are going to re-visit. We cannot for the life of either of us get up in time for a Sunday morning service as it is our only morning to cuddle/sleep together. All of the other days one of us is leaving the bed at 6-6:30, and the other stays behind holding onto those few precious moments of "catch up" sleep. And when I say "one of us," it is almost always Andrew getting up earlier to go to work. Which has created a need for either a Saturday evening service, or a Sunday evening service. Both of which I have found.

If you're in need of a place that also meets those needs-lemme know. We love bringing people along.

Improvements

I just wanted the world to know I am slowly but surely on my way to being (as Julie said it the other day-meanie) the "world's greatest wife."

After reading my last blog and feeling like a big poop, I realized that my husband is also tired. He is also busy. He is also worn out and ready to cry sometimes. That he deserves to be treated like a king, and that since there's only two of us living in my house and partaking in my marriage, I'm the one who gets to treat him as such.

He also serendipitously came home the SAME DAY I talked to Julie, and we talked about all the ways our marriage works, how and why it does, what we do for each other. Not in a hold-it-over-your-head kind of way, but more a "you do this to make me feel that." After the whole conversation he thought in his pooh-bear kind of way for a moment and said:

"I realized recently that the number one way I receive love, which is surprising to me, is acts of service."

He then looked at me sheepishly for a moment, and said "which is why we may have problems down the line." I shocked, but sadly knowing, said "why is that baby?"

"Well, you're not really an acts of service kind of person for me. For other people yeah, but not with me."

To which I fell to the floor and spilled blood from the gaping knife wound he had just inflicted on my heart.

After quickly doing a mental scene of my own death by truth, I apologized profusely and promised to love him the way that he needs. Which brings me to this declaration to the world:

I am a girl of my word.

I have managed to somehow(putting homework at bay, but let's be serious-I'm going to procrastinate anyway, so it's better that I do something that will benefit my marriage than talk on the phone, watch a movie, catch up on Grey's, or heaven forbid...check facebook.) clean the house, make the bed(miracle. really.), fetch Andrew whatever he says he needs aloud AND offer to get him something if I go get myself a cup of water or such, AND SOMEHOW managed to have DINNER ON THE TABLE for him when he walked in the door one day this week. Now, that last one is a pipe dream considering I had to skip class to make it happen, but I wanted him to know I meant what I said.

He has felt almost shy this week as I have offered to do these little things for him. Which makes me feel worse, I shouldn't be able to pat myself on the back for something like saying "hey I'm going to get some water, do you want anything? A glass of water? You hungry?"

I am incredibly blessed and fortunate that my amazing wonderful far too good for me husband has put up with my bologna this long...I am such a selfish twit.

So here's to continuing to love my husband in the way that makes him happy, not just him loving me the way that makes me happy.

The Beginning.