Operation Official Stalker Planning has begun.

Just in case you are not aware and you live in the Portland Metro Area...They begin filming the second Twilight film/book "New Moon" in March.

Which means this: thousands and thousands of screaming teens will be stalking Robert Pattinson in all his hotness. This also means it will be incredibly easy to find him, and as we are all over 21 a lot easier to follow him into bars, get him inebriated, and make out like crazy.

Sadly-we are all married. BUT-I need a new BFF anyway. Not really, but hello, not gonna pass up the chance to be Rob's (cause we're close now) new best friend. Kristin Stewart may be a good angle to get in with the R-O-B...so we'll see.

;)

P.S. I have no idea if they're even filming the second one in Portland. Beginning research NOW.

************
Stupid. Filming the new one in Vancouver, B.C. mostly. Portland is not even on the darn list. Rome, L.A., and Vancouver, B.C.

We could always drive.

GOOD NEWS!

I'm NOT pregnant!!!! After a week of being seriously concerned, and a pregnancy test I tried to take four days ago but didn't get enough of a "sample"....argh...I took another this morning and am officially NOT with child.

Which is what we wanted. We want to get some travel in before babies take over. I'm signing up for 19 credits this coming term, and it would be a little tricky if my body was raging with hormones...Also, and this would be the ultimate bummer...I would have been 8 months preggo for our planned trip of Barcelona...which would have resulted in no trip. Bottom line: we're excited for babies someday Rae Ann so quit pestering me!

The not so good news associated with this-something is wrong with me. Since I'm not pregnant I think I'm going to have Liz's mom check me for diabetes. I've been severely lightheaded and dizzy lately, have begun to get migraines(lame), and am a MONSTER when my blood sugar gets low/I haven't eaten. I thought it was just Isagenix, but I've been back to three meals for like a week now...same problems I've been having since the fall, but I keep going to my OB/GYN instead of a primary care physician. Will have to rectify.

I always feel like a grandma when I talk about my health issues, so I try to avoid it in person as much as possible. But it's my blog, I feel it's a titch more appropriate.

Guilty Pleasure

So this band of three white boys rapping started a few years ago. I was introduced to them by an old friend from Texas' myspace back when I still had myspace...and have been dancing(secretly...until now that is..) to this song in my underwear around the house ever since. Andrew laughs at it and recognizes that since they're "white bois" he cannot use his normal phrase "you're so black."

This song is their poppiest song, but I LOVE IT!!!! If you have small children they do say the word "ho" in the chorus, so unless you want to explain what a ho is....

SHUSH GIRL-SHUT YOUR LIPS-DO THE HELEN KELLER AND TALK WITH YOUR HIPS

Le Sigh

Date night number two was a huge success. I really do love Andrew and we really can have fun anywhere. We went to the Portland Art Museum and laughed at all the ugly things and appreciated the ones that were not.

I know I know-art is relative...blah blah blah. I took art history, I get it. I was however, EXTREMELY excited to see Monet and Degas and Picasso and almost all the other greats right here in my home city. Houston only has like one Van Gogh and it's the size of the Mona Lisa...very disappointing. The most shocking part of the evening...as I saw the huge Monet from the other side of the room and immediately recognized his work I walked as close as I could to see the brush strokes. When Andrew stepped next to me he said "I don't like it." I said "that's your right. But regardless of how you feel-it's Monet." "Who's that?"

Yes. Really. hahahahahaha-I married him because he's the man I need, not because he's the gay friend I want.

Then we had chinese food in Chinatown, which is the smallest Chinatown ever, and being completely taken over by the Pearl...but we had loads of fun and then consumed one of those 1.00 bags of fortune cookies and took bets on whether or not the car got broken into. Which it didn't. THEN we went home and watched "Rachael Getting Married" or whatever it is called-great film overall. Very real, but totally awesome. THEN he cuddled with me while I watched TWO HOURS of Grey's Anatomy/Private Practice crossover week 2. It ends next week...which I'm REALLY excited about...

So I love my husband. We have fun together. He really is my best friend. I know this may go away for a while, and it will take hard work to keep-but it is totally worth it.

And just so you know-last week I honestly didn't like him. I didn't like him or want to be around him and questioned why I married him in the first place. Even though he's a saint, and more than any woman could ask for-I really couldn't stand the sight of him. So I highly recommend date night. Once a week where you can go and intentionally spend time together, even if you don't leave the house...which you should. I recommend it so much that I am willing to babysit twice a month for anyone who wants to start a date night. Seriously. When I say anyone I mean Julia and her family, and Rae. I don't know who else would stumble upon this and think I would really watch their chitlens.

So I know that if I can get to the point where I cannot stand the sight of my nearly perfect in every way husband, that everyone else can totally get to the point where they hate their spouses. SO GO ON A DATE!

Loves.

Belize seems to be all I can think about

I am very tired lately I've noticed. Completely lethargic. I can sleep for 12 hours and still be tired. I'm not really sure what's going on, if I'm depressed, or just lazy...could also be the fact that I'm not eating much, but normally when I'm on Isagenix I'm more energized. I've had a random middle of my cycle period for almost a week now...totally pissed btw...but I'm trying to get excited for date night tonight. We're going to the Portland Art Museum and out to dinner. What grown-ups we are. :)

First I have to go and explain to my writing teacher that yes, I know my group is supposed to present today, but no I do not feel comfortable having to watch a movie first about a gay poet and his trials growing up Indian and gay. I am not a supporter of homosexuality, but I have many friends who are homosexual. While I will never agree with their lifestyle I love them as a people, but I'd prefer not to watch Brokeback Mountain and the like. This film is of the indie variety, so to start off it doesn't make sense. I love indie films by the way, please do not be confused. But on top of it not making sense, it is written in the format of a poem-fluid and nonsequential with emotions on high the whole time and constant statements that are made to make the viewer feel uncomfortable. This movie does make me uncomfortable, but not in the way the producer intended. It doesn't make me question my treatment of Native Americans, or my view of the poor homosexuals in all their disrest. It does make me want to get up and leave the room because it has nothing at all to do with Writing 121, and I'd prefer it if my professor wasn't raining his agenda down on me. If I had chosen to watch this in my spare time, and went with friends because we wanted to support the message that would be one thing. The fact that I'm now being forced to watch two men whisper to each other and kiss each other on the kneck is appalling. I discussed this idea and how the rebuttle may be that homosexuals are forced by society to watch heterosexual films from birth. Even this though has no foundation. If I were raised in a home or society where homosexual issues were rained down on me through every entertainment outlet available, by now I would have built up a tolerance to the situation and it wouldn't bother me.

But I wasn't. Homosexual cinema has only become mainstream in the past few years, and I personally am not drawn to it. I don't watch scary movies because I'm not excited by them, I don't watch homosexual themed films because I am not excited by them. Fortunately he's not completely retarded, and gave us the option to write about one of two films....but I do not want to watch the rest of the crappy movie, I just want to turn in my assignments and fulfill all of the other things that are necessary for my grade. I'm going to diplomatically approach the subject and see what he says...

I think I just failed a math test too, I hate math.

Bad mood, tired all the time, mystery period=crappy week.

Let it snow and rain and snow and rain

I am a huge slacker in that I love it when inclement weather relieves me from my duties.
I am also addicted to The Bachelor this season. If he doesn't pick Melissa I'm going to be PISSED!

I want to travel. Desperately. This year. Which means I just might have to get a job...which sucks.
I love holding babies. I also love giving them back when they start crying. I'm not ready to be a mom.

I have planned out my schedule for next term, and am going to register for 19 credits. The 16 I'm taking this term are not overwhelming me, so I see no reason to take the same/less. I would take more than 19, but I'm only allowed to take 20 max at PCC...only like 23 at PSU. Stupid.

I'm supposed to be revising a paper right now. But it will only take me like 30 minutes anyway and Andrew won't be here to get me until like 2:45 anyways...which means I have officially 20ish more minutes to procrastinate.

After I turn in the revised paper I'm watching a movie for the rest of class...and then half of next class too. My writing teacher ROCKS. The fact that I have to take this stupid class for the third time because my credits won't transfer=fail.

I like Rae Ann's husband. I like Rae Ann more. I would love to find out more.

I like Julia with long hair better, I don't care what Rae says.

Melissa is having her second (or third...I'm not sure..) baby shower on Saturday. Which also happens to be Valentine's Day...which will also be the only year V-day falls on a Saturday for like five years or something like that.

I tell Andrew that I think V-day is a stupid holiday created by Hallmark to fill in the gap between Christmas and Easter, but then get upset if he doesn't do something.

Our anniversary is SOON! We're almost officially one year married. But what does that really mean anyway?

I want to go to Barcelona, South America, Greece, or a Mediterranean cruise this year. I have decided against the big "all over Europe at once" trip so soon as there's no stinking way it could happen. One place-possible.

I think I'm done. I'm doing Isagenix and it makes you need to potty a lot. So I think I'm gonna go do that.

The Secret Life of Bees

If you want to watch the movie-don't read this. I'll spoil(kind of) the ending.

Sometimes movies get you, and pull you out. This one, surprisingly, did. I say surprisingly because I am white and have no idea how it feels to endure the struggles of a black woman. But I do know what it feels like to be a young girl, standing in front of your parent, wishing they could be something other than what they are and love you.

Standing in front of my mother at the train station in Tacoma was something I try not to think about. To have this fleeting moment where we both really could escape together, just the two of us, and run away forever, only to get on the train alone was beyond devastating. She didn't cry all day while helping me pack, she didn't cry while we sat across the table from each other at lunch, and she didn't cry while we waited for the train to arrive. As my mother was consciously choosing to send me away she did not cry until I sat down in my seat across from a stranger and looked at her through the window. I was 12.

She had dragged me back with her after two months away, to return to Robert and all that he was. I was with them for two weeks. Two weeks of being locked in the apartment and staying in the "guest room" as I was not good enough to have a room, sleeping on the floor because I was not even good enough to sleep on the couch in the guest room. One day he pulled me out of the guest room and sat me at the table. While he smoked cigarette after cigarette he made me read a letter. When I first looked at it I was shocked. I had no idea what to think. That was MY writing. My writing in red ink on school paper. What did it say?...I don't remember writing this?...these are not my words...it was a story I had copied for him from Chicken Soup for the Soul or something. A story written by a young woman about how she had been harsh to her step-father growing up, how he had punished her in turn, and only later did she realize that he loved her all along. I had copied it for him while on a trip to the beach with my mother and grandparents about two months before we left him. As I sat there trying to figure out what was going on he said "eat it."

..."what?"

"You heard what I said. Eat it. You wrote that to me and I carried it around in my pocket for months, showing everyone I worked with, and it was all lies. Eat your words....oh, and while you're chewing-look me in the eyes. I want you to know what you're doing."

I turned to look at my mother who was sitting three feet behind me on the couch, but she just waved at the paper with a smile on her face. So I ate it. I ate two pages of three before he told me that was good enough and to go back to my room and read. He had given me a book by Leo Buscaglia and told me to read it before I could go on with my life. That I needed to learn how to love before I could be a part of the world again, until then-the world would go on without me.

This short two week period before moving in with my grandparents has been on my mind a lot recently and I can't shake it. I haven't spoken to my mother since July, and now I think that all of the mess is starting to surface....again. Over and over and over I will go through this for the rest of my life because of the choices she made. I have spent years in therapy, and while I have forgiven her each time I have begun to hate her again, it never goes away. I can truly and deeply forgive her, but then time will pass and the hurt comes back and I have to forgive her again. And again. And again. All the while she continues to cause more damage and hurt with what she does now...

But in this movie there is a girl just like me. Confused, broken, hurting...She feels like the loss of her mother's love has made her unlovable. Then someone will cup her cheek and tell her that she is completely lovable, that she is surrounded by love. Since leaving my mother God has always sent someone to show me love. When my Papa retired and became and alcoholic again-he sent Nathan, Peter, Travis. When my grandma got tired of me, and started to spend all of the child support on gambling trips to Vegas, Reno, Laughlin-and instead blamed everything on me and called my caseworker to put me in foster care-God sent me Margo. When I moved back in with my mother and Frank because I had no where else to go after my grandma said she didn't want me, and my mother did some irreparable damage and I started throwing up everything I ate to feel in control...He sent friends to tell my mother so she could listen outside the bathroom door after dinner, and Jason to hold me after she continued to tear me down. When Jason and I finally ended our relationship after years of him lying to my face and discovering him one day with his pants around his ankles in front of the computer-He sent me Eric Murphy. When I moved back and needed to heal-again he sent me Margo and Melissa. When I was ready to be loved with no need of it-He sent me Andrew.

God has never failed me. He has always sent someone to hold me in the ways that He cannot in this life for Him. The time that Andrew took me to the top of a waterfall overlooking the gorge, on a night with a meteor shower, I knew that it was God's gift not Andrew's. That God gave me Andrew to show me how much He loves me. I know God loves me. I know He surrounds me with love. I know I know I know I know.

But-I cannot shake that feeling of never being enough. Of absolute despair that day she gave me up. The way it only got worse when she only came to one court hearing and then gave up. How much it hurt when my birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving would pass without so much as a phone call. The day I was crying in my room and Papa just came and sat with me while I cried, when he put his arms around me and just said "you are loved." How I will never be able to put this all down in a way that is fluid and sensible enough to show them all, even my mother, that through everything I love them enough that I would die for them. I would rather die than to have my mother's life cut short before she can learn to love the Lord. I know that God had to create a heart in me like this to understand His love. For me to understand how much He loves me. To know that I have hurt Him more than my mother has ever hurt me, and He loves me the most. It's just frankly, a really shitty lesson.

I will always feel like an orphan. I think that is why I want to adopt and foster. I want to show as many children as possible that they are lovable, that they are worth it, that someone authentically and unconditionally loves them before it is too late. I have considered our life with adopted children from many different nations, most of them girls, as infants and babies. Today I had this vision of Andrew hugging our daughter from India when she comes home in high school and a boy has broken her heart. I cried because I know that she will be so lucky to have a father like Andrew, and that he will be everything a father should be. I love him all the more for it. I love God all the more for healing me through Andrew's love. Andrew's love for me, his family, our future children, and his commitment to God.

I am the luckiest girl in the world above all else.

Aaaaaand-we're praying.

Discussed my current unease with my future and the fact that I feel I'm going against God's calling and will for my life with my mother in law last night. She told me a story about one of the pastors at her church, who also is the same pastor who did our pre-marital counseling, and how he handled finding the Lord's will in his life. He and his wife Jess did not want to have kids. They were so against having babies they had declared it would downright never happen and they were going prevent (naturally, of course. The basal temperature taking way...which totally freaks me out. I'm sure I'd screw it up.) it completely.

Then God knocked. And He knocked, and He knocked...until he blew that damn door down and Chris and Jess realized they were not listening. So they committed to prayer for one year about having children, and that they would follow God's direction whatever it may be.

A year and a half later they were pregnant.

So we've committed to praying about my/our future. The minute I let go of thinking I only wanted to go to medical school, the idea of OT (occupational therapy) came back. Over the past day it has been pushing it's way into my mind with all of the reasons why it would be a beneficial choice especially when knowing God desires me to obey and be a foster parent and mother. When we adopt internationally and domestically, both will have a high probability of having some sort of developmental delay. OT would help them. OT can be done part-time. OT would connect my interest in Autism with my work...

BUT-before making plans and creating outlines like I always do, we're going to pray. I've done this too many times thus far, had an inkling and jumped at it without enough time to carefully consider and ask for truth. So if you're the praying type, once a month is all I ask. If you could pray for me and Andrew, and our future together, solidifying a path that will benefit my family and my relationship with the Lord-I'd really appreciate it.

Letting go of planning is hard for me. But learning to trust the Lord is pivotal to the purpose of my creation. I'm thinking things will quiet down in my head, and finally-after being urged to my God for quite a while now-I'll be able to actually rest. I find relief and joy in that.

Plans

We plan to travel to Europe for a year after we graduate with our Bachelors.
We plan to visit Tarah and Corin in Australia (I'm actually in the works of making this one happen for New Years.)
We plan to buy an SUV/gas saver/new car for me.
We plan to save to buy a house of our own.
We plan to love each other through it all, even if we do come upon a life path with money.
I plan to go to Africa and love, however that is, for at least 3 months. Andrew wants to go to. ;)
We plan to adopt from China and India.
We plan to have one of our own.
We plan to get involved with a house church, as soon as we can find one that isn't on Wednesday nights.
We plan to move closer to Solid Rock, whenever it is we give up the amazing house we're in now.
We plan to get a newfoundland puppy, and raise him in the water.
We plan to get Andrew a season pass for the mountain, and a surf board in summer.
We plan to come to a point where we are more sustainable, living like hippies in the summer and home made in the winter.
We plan to change the negative things about our personalities.
We plan to save for our children's college. I don't want to have more children than I can afford to send to state school.
We plan to (also) send our children to Christian school from pre-school on....which costs more than four years of state school. crap. It almost pushes me to homeschool...but we would never wish that on our kids.
We plan to be there for Nathan as he leaves for college in the fall, and to welcome his future wife into the family with open arms.
We plan to stay healthy, and have both announced our "never let me get heavier than x" weights.
We plan to run a marathon next year. Training starts as soon as the foot heals.
We plan to get many more tattoos, and are both super excited to see the other all colored on.
We plan to have a Brogan James, Capri Marie, Epic (no idea. how on earth do you follow Epic?), Reagan something, Cora Beverly, and some other girl names...we'll probably have all boys.
We plan on waiting to have children. At least five years...the number is getting smaller...quit it all you baby-pushers...it might be working.
We plan on fostering children as soon as ours are old enough, or before we have our own.

We plan and plan and plan and plan. We hope and dream and cross our fingers. Julie's sister Diane said something this weekend that really struck me, and I thought was so beautiful. While Julia was worried about not having her doctor, and not trusting the one on call, and not knowing what to expect-Diane said "yes, but you trust God. And He knew that your doctor wasn't going to be here, and He knows what to expect, and He will take care of you."

I don't trust God enough. It is hard I find to lean on God as a college student. It isn't like I can throw a bunch of majors and life paths in a hat and say "Okay, so do you prefer Biology, Psychology, English, or heck-ceramics?"

So there's that. That's where I am. But I feel my heart softening, and even though I stumble I've been making a concious effort to only do things that are loving or forgiving with my hands.

I really love Jesus, I really love His wisdom, and I really love the opportunity I have to spend eternity with Him.