It all becomes so muddled when your brain is befuddled by medical accomplishments that really just stretch your tenants and all you want to do is sleep all day and play all night and laugh in the face of those with their false might but instead you take the recommendations and swallow them with commendation and quantify the results with false joy and snide insults while praying that it all ends well you begin to notice your loss of smell but at least you can hear the mower of the man on the property lower through the two inch crack in your window that a week ago you wouldn't know-was there.

No tumor. Started prednisone two days ago. My brain is foggy but my hearing is clear-this is a good sign. Vacation was amazing. My predictions for the actions of the friendship lost and her subsequent choices were not only confirmed but far exceeded. I know she is hurting. I know there is loss. I understand it is hard for all parties involved. I just really had come to a point where I realized that it was a relationship in which her pain so eclipsed that of the people she called "friends" that she was no longer actually in relationship with me. She said she didn't want me to be her therapist. Yet all she wanted me to do was listen and listen and listen and if my opinion conflicted with hers to keep it to myself....kind of like a therapist would do. A friend of mine recently started seeing a therapist that I recommended to them, and one day said therapist asked me how I was doing while supporting my friend through her experience. I said that it is hard to know the "correct" thing to say, the healthy psychological thing to say, when all I want to do is tell my friend that the person causing her so much pain is an asshole and toxic and not to take their shit anymore.

He said to me "that is the luxury you have as a friend-you get to say how and what and why you feel. As their therapist, I can only give the "correct" answer." So I ended something that no longer was a friendship. When I stopped being the therapist she supposedly didn't want, I was then too much for her. If someone wants my professional advice, actions, and opinions-they can pay me. The rest of my friends know who I am and respect that. I am comfortable with all of this, regardless of the fact that I know the woman I hurt is sensitive, regardless of the fact that even though I am hurt and angry I am sorry that I am hurting her so deeply. Above all, I am sad that it is irreparable. Especially after a comment about how I am "treating her like I treat my mother." Some people have big cohones, some people are ignorant uneducated assholes. I for the most part choose not to associate with the latter.

Also, a side effect of the new medication is euphoria. I laughed through a three minute voicemail on Melika's phone yesterday and only realized after hanging up that it was 100% due to the medication. This is still funny to me.

Sometimes it all bubbles to the surface, and you let it.

Clank. Click. Clank. Click. Clank.....

For 45 minutes they say "don't move. at all." So you don't. You try to focus on the grey strip, the white of the tube, but if you do that for too long you realize that you're inside of a very small space and that nobody can hear you scream. Instead you close your eyes and realize that this sounds, through the ear plugs, through the headphones playing a radio station you picked and instantly regretted, extremely similar to the test from the audiology and vestibular lab. The one where they stick this little goopy wad of cotton-like substance into your ear, then plug a wire into it, and then it clickclickclickclick-s for about fifteen minutes a cycle.

Similar, but different. Before they were just testing your hearing, your sense of balance, the pressure inside of your ear. Today, they're looking for a tumor.

The hearing tests come back making statements like "Heather is crazy. Her hearing is fine. Ignore her frustration and situation because it is all in her head." Fortunately, my doctor told that damn test to shut up and wrote me a prescription for a tumor shrinking medicine, but told me not to take it until he called me after the MRI. The MRI including a dye used specifically for finding acoustic neuromas.

So now I just wait. I called this morning as he had said I could call the day after the test, but apparently he doesn't get in until this afternoon. More waiting. The tumors are almost always benign, and are treatable. Each treatment carries risks, as does all surgery or radiation, but at least we would finally know. Meniere's never felt right. Maybe it is, but this would make far more sense.

Onto other news: Grow the hell up. If you're going to talk about how I am stunted and going nowhere, quit acting like a fucking child yourself. You're upset because people have opinions? Join the Amish community. You like being surrounded by people who are going to lie to your face and tell you just what you want to hear? Continue to shut out all the people who have held your hand through the tough shit. Who know what a facade you put on all the time and don't care. Quit calling, quit caring, and by ALL MEANS-PLEASE talk about them behind their backs. Make bold statements that you know nothing about, since you've been so damn successful yourself, and then get upset if they ever confront you. Tell all of the people that are still a part of your life(your relatives. you have managed to run off the few friends you had) what a victim you are. How it's so sad that nobody supports you anymore, nobody wants to spend time with you. Guess we should all eat worms. I am so. beyond. angry. at you right now. I am so.beyond.frustrated. that you of all people could help me right now. that I was there.every.day for a very long time and tried to help you the best that I could with the resources I had, and your statements compared me to someone who is a moocher to the core and has never done anything of substance. Fuck you. Truly. You were there when I worked for an international company at the age of 20. You were there when I made more money than your husband was when he was working two jobs. You were there when I finally had the option to go back to school. However, you have not been a part of my success in school because I simply did not have enough of the "right" kind of attention for you because I have been SO DAMN BUSY MAKING SOMETHING OF MY SHITTY LIFE THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN TOO CONCERNED WITH CONGRATULATING YOUR MOST RECENT PREGNANCY. I'M SORRY THAT YOU NEEDED IT SO BADLY. I'M ALSO SORRY THAT EVEN YOU ARE BEGINNING TO RECOGNIZE THAT YOU'RE NOT MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES ABOUT THINGS, BUT STILL FEEL THE NEED TO PROVE IT TO THE REST OF US THAT YOU ARE. Be angry at me. Never talk to me again. What-the-fuck-ever. I'm so over it that it hurts girl. Honest.

Avoiding Cleaning All Day Long

My amazing husband had a week between jobs last week, that he intentionally created might I add, just so that he could get stuff done around the house. He weeded, sawed limbs, mowed, pressure washed, burned, sweated, and even did ALL OF THE LAUNDRY.....if you have been to my house in the past, oh, since we got married-you know this is a major feat. He is unstoppable.

In repayment lest I be the worst wife in history because my husband literally does everything, I am to attack the duty of cleaning the entire house today. Bleck. I hate housework. I promise you, I would really hire someone to do it. I would pay them a lot more than minimum wage, so that they would actually be getting a fair wage for their service, but I sure as heck would pay someone.

School is donezo and I got a 3.36 for this term....mildly disappointing as I was really hoping that I my ASL class would be an easy A/GPA booster, unfortunately I signed the wrong sign repetitively in my final expressive exam=B.

I'm very honestly hoping I can take these last two weeks before Belize to spend a lot of time alone. Let my brain rest. I'll see people when I get back, but until then I'd REALLY just like to do a whole lot of nothing.

After I clean the house that is.

Vegan Consideration

It's healthy. It's healthy. It's healthy. It's been said to be the best decision anyone can make for their family due to the health benefits. Lower chance of cancer, obesity(and therefore diabetes among other things), and depression.

Andrew's aunt Bev had cancer 5 times before her doctor put her on a vegan diet. Since then, she's been cancer free. Not a coincidence.

So I'm thinking about it. It would be a HUGE change though so I'm not jumping into anything, but I'm very seriously leaning towards yes.

In other news: summer term is over and it feels so gooooood! Each term I get closer to graduating I feel more and more that I am in fact accomplishing something even though it feels eternal. I'm only 23, but considering the rest of my friends are now working on getting into grad school, my measly little Bachelors seems pretty insignificant. I also know though that all of those people either had their college paid for by their parents, or lived/live at home. They were not wards of the state, they do not come from the same background, they did not work at a multinational corporation before returning to school, and even with their degrees I made more money than most of them are currently at age 20. I also married the most amazing man on the planet who loves me even when it's hard.

So I don't feel so bad. At least I'm not uneducated and popping out a bunch of kids, doomed to a life of bitterness and anger at other people's success. The main ending point for most people with my background.

Belize is in less than three weeks!!!! SO EXCITED!!!!

Also, currently in love with Rae. Seriously. Her family is amazing, despite their humanity, and I appreciate that she is so close. It is going to seriously suck balls when she moves back to no po.

The end.

No poo is so awesome I'm not even going to post about it because it is no longer an experiment and just a choice that we make in my house :)

Today we started the discussion of ending all these contraceptive games and just having my tubes tied. I'm gung ho. Andrew said it would be wise to think about it for a second.

Along with a need to inflict pain right now(and I haven't quite figured this one out...no idea. Things are good with my mom, which is generally the cause. My marriage rocks, school is good, friendships are what they always are-ever changing. I'm stumped)I am ITCHING to get another tattoo. Our wallet is also STRAINING to gather the monies together for Belize so we can immediately pay off the balance on our card once the charge is made. Regardless, I now have an idea for a back MURAL....but below my dress line so it would just be mostly for Andrew and I to see...and a few cute and subtle birdy silhouettes on my shoulder. We shall see...

Margo is really sick. I don't really want to talk about it. While the thought has crossed my mind, my need for self-mutilation did present itself before Margo was rushed to the ER on Tuesday. She is at home now and recovering, but still weak and her life is irrevocably changed.

Have I mentioned that I love my husband? I could write a novel(and someday I just might) about how wonderful and amazing he is. I did want to poop on his pillow tonight during a little tussle we had this afternoon....but it passed along with my anger. Maybe after his friends go home we can make up.

I want to write more. Not blog writing, but the kind of writing I wouldn't be ashamed to send somewhere for someone to judge and possibly pay me for(in 9 million years). Trouble is, figuring out what to write about. There's so many unwrittens in my head that I have a hard time sorting through them and placing them appropriately with their plots, climaxes, and epilogues. We'll see how it all goes. If I become rich and pseudo-famous: Don't ask me for money. I'll probably give it to you and that just wouldn't be very nice of you.

I love Portland in the summer. It makes me forget what a mess it is all year.

Day 4 No Poo

So I washed my hair last night with the baking soda/cider vinegar process....My hair feels AMAZING!!! My head itches a tiny bit, but I think I just let the baking soda sit for too long. My hair doesn't smell-Andrew was shocked. Especially considering the conditioning agent is vinegar...

Applying to New Seasons(you know, because I'm such a hippie now) because it is literally like 6 minutes from my house, starts at 10.00 an hour, and I've heard that part-timers get benefits. This could basically be the coolest thing ever. We'll see how it all goes, my fingers are definitely crossed.

Anywho, need to go study. Have an exam tomorrow in my political science class, and my final receptive exam for my ASL class...which I don't think I'm ready for. Agh.

After a two minute convo with Rae....

I have decided to go shampoo free. Yes. Really. It's been two days, but whenever I say it out loud it does freak me out. I mean, I'm the girl who will spend over $130.00 getting her hair done, and not even bat an eyelash at a $70.00 TRIM....I buy $20.00 HAIRSPRAY and to begin to discuss the amount of money I have spent trying to find the right shampoo and conditioner would be absolutely horrifying. So I won't.

Regardless, I'm quitting shampoo. I've read extensively now online, and am extremely excited to see what happens. It's summer anyway, if it sucks, nobody will really notice. I wear my hair in braids constantly now anyway.

I do however, oddly, feel cleaner. Like I'm committing to something that is better for me, and our septic tank. Then again, it could be the fact that because my husband is a STUD and got me a commercial-grade Schwinn spin bike(retail: approx. $3800.00....for FREE!!! He works at a place, begged some people shamelessly for 6 months, made my dream come true.)and the working out makes me happier in general, but I feel better. I'm more aware of when I get "full" and I'm simply elated to be alive. *Sunshine is very obviously good for me*

So here I am, day two of nopoo and my hair is doing pretty well. I am still using conditioner, but will wean that out in a week or so and switch to solely cider vinegar and baking soda. I'll keep you posted, don't worry ;)